Sheamus talks about Laurinaitis and Alberto Del Rio, and again, I’m un-enthused. The match has potential to be entertaining but the promos leading up to it have been dull. SmackDown is the better show in terms of… okay, I don’t think SmackDown is the better show, but it’s worth noting that while RAW is going to be three hours standard, SmackDown always feels like it’s three hours long, and I’m not sure if that’s boredom or action packing. Nearly an hour in at this point (I’m writing this in a very non-linear fashion) it feels like I’ve been watching for an hour and a half. Can’t say I’m looking forward to a WWE Title match between CM Punk and Kane. I don’t see the point…
Oh well, let’s get to me talking about wrestling. Tonight’s theme: Ethnic Cleansing.
Sin Cara defeats Heath Slater
Is Sin Cara an acquired taste? I can’t deny that the man is talented but I compare being a fan of him to being a fan of Nicki Minaj. She’s pretty, has the potential to rap and has undeniable appeal, but I’ve just never been one to get behind her. I can’t get on the bandwagon. My feelings are the same with Sin Cara. He comes to the ring in red attire, the trampoline is gone, and he easily defeats Heath Slater with lucha libre that looked more like a collection of hits than a coherent piece. I suppose the biggest disappointment was the ending, but what do you expect? He shows no signs of ring rust so much as unfamiliarity with the WWE style of wrestling. Normally I’d applaud this, but watching it play out, I can say I appreciate the way they push said style on new people when they come in. End of the day, I like Sin Cara but I don’t know when he’ll impress me. Maybe when he’s given a proper opponent again.
Oh, and P.S.: Slater isn’t getting entrances. What’s up with that?
Damian Sandow defeats Ezekiel Jackson
Credit where credit is due, Ash: Sandow bores me. Not his character: the gimmick CAN work, but when I’m watching his matches I find myself… not watching. I don’t like his color scheme. I don’t like his contradictory attitude. Why be a wrestler when you don’t want to dirty your hands with the unenlightened? And more than that, why does he seem to only pick on ethnic minorities? Asians. South Americans. Soon enough it’ll be your mother, and then shit is gonna hit the fan. The match was blah. The ending was standard. Sandow still looks like a fruitcake when he does his stupid cartwheel and maybe it’s only appropriate that he seemed to have a little boner after being on some of another man. Maybe it was just the pink and purple.
kills defeats Ryan Shelton and Chris Lyons
What’s the point of pyro when everybody can’t see it…? Anyway, Ryan Shelton and Chris Lyons, University of Alabama idiots in LSU country, were swiftly murdered by New Goldberg. What’s there to say? All we’ve been given lately is Ryback leaving jobbers in pieces, and you know what? I love it. He’s a straight killer with a limited vocabulary and a tendency to get rid of waste. “FEED ME MORE!” is going to be as catchy as “YES!”, or even… “WHO’S NEXT?!” Hell, it’s damn near the same thing. Meh, what do I know? I’m just talking about wrestling.
RAW Flashback: Big Show’s Ethnic Cleansing
Okay, I’ll be the conspiracy theorist: the Big Show beat up two black guys and an African on RAW last Monday while two fine sistas were in the ring cowering and hugging each other. Big Show beat up Brodus Clay first, then the first new arrival of Kofi Kingston, then the final arrival of R-Truth, leaving them all in a mess where the commentator’s sat. I won’t call this a Klan moment, but I will say it’s suspect that all the black people are victorious or dismantled at the same time when it comes to the WWE programs. I’m just saying…
Oh, and I’m not looking forward to Big Show v. John Cena in a Steel Cage. I contend that McMahon always likes a big monster character, but Big Show in the role bores me. Meh.
Sheamus defeats Dolph Ziggler
Gasp. Dolph Ziggler is finally getting his time in the sun. There are a few mid-card stars I’ve been waiting for to get this push, and Dolph is one of them, arguably the top one. It’s so easy to forget that Ziggler is a one-time world champion once (for 11 and a half minutes) but with the suspensions and injuries and old ages of the top stars right now, it’s time to let some of the new guys and mid-cards shine a bit. Ziggler. Kingston. Rhodes. You know, people that could benefit from the absence of Superman and the Punisher.
The match itself is impressive; that surprises me. When not distracted by Vickie and, to paraphrase Rich Boy (who?), dat ass, the Superstars in the ring are putting on a terrific back and forth where Sheamus displays the qualities of a brawler and Ziggler the qualities of a show off with a chip on his shoulder. At the same time, he looks vulnerable and sneaky. Story wise, it’s good that Ziggler is becoming a character out to make a name for himself. Conspiracy wise, it’s interesting that he’s going between Mexicans to get his breaks, but again, I’m not a conspiracy theorist.
This match is getting time, good time, which I honestly didn’t expect. The top rope X-Factor was actually very, VERY beautiful to watch and did add drama to the match. Sheamus’ win was hardly surprising, but what Swagger’s interruption added was validity to Ziggler’s growing status, and the Broque Kick that dude caught (and sold) was vicious. Kudos. On a scale of one to five, I give this match a four. Not that it matters. This is like Whose Line. The points don’t matter.
Santino Marella and Zack Ryder defeat Titus O’Neil and Darren Young (Primetime Players (or Playas (or Playaz)))
Again, I am NOT a fan of Zack Ryder. I don’t see the appeal; unlike Sin Cara, however, I can take or leave Long Island Iced Z because he’s a whipping boy for no reason. He represents making a name for yourself with literally nothing and then getting blasted and sent back to the minors like a Major League extra. He’s well enough in the ring but I don’t care–
Okay, I didn’t even finish that paragraph before the match was over. Not surprised. Stupid match and–
Big Show! He comes out, beats up Santino and as he stalks Zack Ryder, I’m reminded of when Kane made Ryder his bitch much like Lesnar made Shannon Moore his bitch. I’m a praying man, and I’m praying that Big Show makes Ryder have to travel in a wheelchair and stormtrooper equipment again. Ah, good times. Good times. Go ahead, Show, destroy Ryder. Punish him as a herald of Vince Galactus, who obviously has some kind of beef with the guy. I don’t like Ryder but I’m not destroying him and trying to give him gonorrhea either. You can get that from administrating head, right?
And now Marella. I guess destroying a champion is more significant that a peon. I don’t know why Big Show is going around beating people senseless; I think the tragic villain angle would be much more fulfilling, but I don’t know and at this point words are wasted on the creative team of the WWE. I have a better question: where’d Primetime Players (Playas(Playaz)) run off to? Just like black people, running like Cryme Tyme did, that’s some ol’ bullshit…
Time Out for Gaiden
A gaiden is a sidestory. Now you know.
Wow. You know Daniel Bryan’s mind games with the lunatic AJ might be the most interesting thing in the WWE right now. It’s almost scary. I enjoy it. You should to.
Cody Rhodes defeats Tyson Kidd
Another unfortunate character who didn’t get an entrance. Tyson Kidd is a talent but oh well. With Christian at ringside, we have the concept of more story, but what’s more impressive is the actual decent match going on here. Far from a long match, and far from predictable, Tyson Kidd and Cody Rhodes did put on a respectable back and forth that established further that Rhodes wants his belt back. Christian, in his best Indiana Jones sidekick attire, has no issue standing toe to toe with the American Dream’s night terror.
Hey, you know what else is cool? Christian is a Grand Slam champ. Edge isn’t. At this point I’m not even sure if he had the opportunity. You know it’s worth considering: it’s like Al Qaeda in a… oh, show’s back on.
CM Punk defeats Kane
Okay, why are we even having this match? It’s stupid; we’re all dumber for watching it. You know something is bad from the start when the champion comes out first, I’m still struggling to comprehend what that’s about. The match itself doesn’t seem to make sense, but the title being on the line sucks all logic out of the room like… see here? This is me resisting a fellatio joke. This is me passing over an Eve joke. This is me watching this match right after the commercials and feeling very yawn. Yes, feeling very yawn. Not the actual match: it’s sound so far. The rationale behind the match is even sound, if narcissistic. Being the General Manager (of RAW (and SmackDown)) has that advantage.
I think what this match lacks, in all honesty, is focus. It’s hard to focus on it because it itself lacks focus. There’s no rationale behind the lead up to it, and with fifteen minutes to go, you have to wonder why this match matters in the least. I offer two ideas.
One: adding Kane to the WWE Title hunt. I know, it sucks, but with Kane getting chair shots from Bryan and chair shots from Punk, they have to have some idea for what to do with him. At least he’d have more direction that the Great Khali though, who is literally just a placeholder. Like I said earlier though, you always need a big bad guy. Kane is the red one. Big Show is the blue one. That doesn’t have anything to do with shows. And…
Two: honestly I don’t remember two. Kane hasn’t had any purpose since getting Batista-ed way back when. Why not just throw him in a big picture hunt? Remember that movie Good Burger? Abe Vigoda, best known as Salvatore Tessio in The Godfather, was in that movie. Didn’t know that, did you? Why not? Because he was just there; I’m convinced he walked onto the set and they gave him a costume for a free actor. All in all, Abe Vigoda is awesome.
And enter AJ. While certainly sexier with her crazy, I mirror Cole’s words when I say that whenever she shows up ringside, things happen. Usually bad things happen. Let’s see, 9:53. Bravo, Punk, terrific chokeslam counter, it was smooth. Commentator mode active.
Why is this match so long…? Why did it take so long for Bryan to come out and do nothing? And why… did Kane just kick out? Hello interest. My name is DiZ. We haven’t spoken in a while but that’s because SmackDown doesn’t do it for me much.
Ah, brief interest. Our favorite Yes! Man double dropkicks the two competitors, screaming “Yes!” with each and every strike. While he could easily be a spokesman for a condom brand, Kane’s double chokeslam did more for me and this whole thing than the backstory behind the match.
Oh, and here’s Big Johnny. On his scooter and brandishing his secretary whore. And there’s the announcement of the triple threat match. Now friends, tell me: did Bryan or Punk pull a Ryder? Did they piss McMahon off too? What did they or we, the fans, do to deserve a triple threat match when the one-on-one conflicts between Punk and Bryan are already so damn good to watch? Introducing this third element is just weird. No one wants it. You could hear the boos in the crowd.
Overall, my love for SmackDown is still on shaking ground, thin ice and whatever else you might call it.