The WWE has two new GMs for Raw and SmackDown. Here is some commentary on the subject as well as some rumors for the future of the commentary seats.
Sheamus talks about Laurinaitis and Alberto Del Rio, and again, I’m un-enthused. The match has potential to be entertaining but the promos leading up to it have been dull. SmackDown is the better show in terms of… okay, I don’t think SmackDown is the better show, but it’s worth noting that while RAW is going to be three hours standard, SmackDown always feels like it’s three hours long, and I’m not sure if that’s boredom or action packing. Nearly an hour in at this point (I’m writing this in a very non-linear fashion) it feels like I’ve been watching for an hour and a half. Can’t say I’m looking forward to a WWE Title match between CM Punk and Kane. I don’t see the point…
Oh well, let’s get to me talking about wrestling. Tonight’s theme: Ethnic Cleansing.
Sin Cara defeats Heath Slater
Is Sin Cara an acquired taste? I can’t deny that the man is talented but I compare being a fan of him to being a fan of Nicki Minaj. She’s pretty, has the potential to rap and has undeniable appeal, but I’ve just never been one to get behind her. I can’t get on the bandwagon. My feelings are the same with Sin Cara. He comes to the ring in red attire, the trampoline is gone, and he easily defeats Heath Slater with lucha libre that looked more like a collection of hits than a coherent piece. I suppose the biggest disappointment was the ending, but what do you expect? He shows no signs of ring rust so much as unfamiliarity with the WWE style of wrestling. Normally I’d applaud this, but watching it play out, I can say I appreciate the way they push said style on new people when they come in. End of the day, I like Sin Cara but I don’t know when he’ll impress me. Maybe when he’s given a proper opponent again.
Oh, and P.S.: Slater isn’t getting entrances. What’s up with that?
Damian Sandow defeats Ezekiel Jackson
Credit where credit is due, Ash: Sandow bores me. Not his character: the gimmick CAN work, but when I’m watching his matches I find myself… not watching. I don’t like his color scheme. I don’t like his contradictory attitude. Why be a wrestler when you don’t want to dirty your hands with the unenlightened? And more than that, why does he seem to only pick on ethnic minorities? Asians. South Americans. Soon enough it’ll be your mother, and then shit is gonna hit the fan. The match was blah. The ending was standard. Sandow still looks like a fruitcake when he does his stupid cartwheel and maybe it’s only appropriate that he seemed to have a little boner after being on some of another man. Maybe it was just the pink and purple.
kills defeats Ryan Shelton and Chris Lyons
What’s the point of pyro when everybody can’t see it…? Anyway, Ryan Shelton and Chris Lyons, University of Alabama idiots in LSU country, were swiftly murdered by New Goldberg. What’s there to say? All we’ve been given lately is Ryback leaving jobbers in pieces, and you know what? I love it. He’s a straight killer with a limited vocabulary and a tendency to get rid of waste. “FEED ME MORE!” is going to be as catchy as “YES!”, or even… “WHO’S NEXT?!” Hell, it’s damn near the same thing. Meh, what do I know? I’m just talking about wrestling.
RAW Flashback: Big Show’s Ethnic Cleansing
Okay, I’ll be the conspiracy theorist: the Big Show beat up two black guys and an African on RAW last Monday while two fine sistas were in the ring cowering and hugging each other. Big Show beat up Brodus Clay first, then the first new arrival of Kofi Kingston, then the final arrival of R-Truth, leaving them all in a mess where the commentator’s sat. I won’t call this a Klan moment, but I will say it’s suspect that all the black people are victorious or dismantled at the same time when it comes to the WWE programs. I’m just saying…
Oh, and I’m not looking forward to Big Show v. John Cena in a Steel Cage. I contend that McMahon always likes a big monster character, but Big Show in the role bores me. Meh.
Sheamus defeats Dolph Ziggler
Gasp. Dolph Ziggler is finally getting his time in the sun. There are a few mid-card stars I’ve been waiting for to get this push, and Dolph is one of them, arguably the top one. It’s so easy to forget that Ziggler is a one-time world champion once (for 11 and a half minutes) but with the suspensions and injuries and old ages of the top stars right now, it’s time to let some of the new guys and mid-cards shine a bit. Ziggler. Kingston. Rhodes. You know, people that could benefit from the absence of Superman and the Punisher.
The match itself is impressive; that surprises me. When not distracted by Vickie and, to paraphrase Rich Boy (who?), dat ass, the Superstars in the ring are putting on a terrific back and forth where Sheamus displays the qualities of a brawler and Ziggler the qualities of a show off with a chip on his shoulder. At the same time, he looks vulnerable and sneaky. Story wise, it’s good that Ziggler is becoming a character out to make a name for himself. Conspiracy wise, it’s interesting that he’s going between Mexicans to get his breaks, but again, I’m not a conspiracy theorist.
This match is getting time, good time, which I honestly didn’t expect. The top rope X-Factor was actually very, VERY beautiful to watch and did add drama to the match. Sheamus’ win was hardly surprising, but what Swagger’s interruption added was validity to Ziggler’s growing status, and the Broque Kick that dude caught (and sold) was vicious. Kudos. On a scale of one to five, I give this match a four. Not that it matters. This is like Whose Line. The points don’t matter.
Santino Marella and Zack Ryder defeat Titus O’Neil and Darren Young (Primetime Players (or Playas (or Playaz)))
Again, I am NOT a fan of Zack Ryder. I don’t see the appeal; unlike Sin Cara, however, I can take or leave Long Island Iced Z because he’s a whipping boy for no reason. He represents making a name for yourself with literally nothing and then getting blasted and sent back to the minors like a Major League extra. He’s well enough in the ring but I don’t care–
Okay, I didn’t even finish that paragraph before the match was over. Not surprised. Stupid match and–
Big Show! He comes out, beats up Santino and as he stalks Zack Ryder, I’m reminded of when Kane made Ryder his bitch much like Lesnar made Shannon Moore his bitch. I’m a praying man, and I’m praying that Big Show makes Ryder have to travel in a wheelchair and stormtrooper equipment again. Ah, good times. Good times. Go ahead, Show, destroy Ryder. Punish him as a herald of Vince Galactus, who obviously has some kind of beef with the guy. I don’t like Ryder but I’m not destroying him and trying to give him gonorrhea either. You can get that from administrating head, right?
And now Marella. I guess destroying a champion is more significant that a peon. I don’t know why Big Show is going around beating people senseless; I think the tragic villain angle would be much more fulfilling, but I don’t know and at this point words are wasted on the creative team of the WWE. I have a better question: where’d Primetime Players (Playas(Playaz)) run off to? Just like black people, running like Cryme Tyme did, that’s some ol’ bullshit…
Time Out for Gaiden
A gaiden is a sidestory. Now you know.
Wow. You know Daniel Bryan’s mind games with the lunatic AJ might be the most interesting thing in the WWE right now. It’s almost scary. I enjoy it. You should to.
Cody Rhodes defeats Tyson Kidd
Another unfortunate character who didn’t get an entrance. Tyson Kidd is a talent but oh well. With Christian at ringside, we have the concept of more story, but what’s more impressive is the actual decent match going on here. Far from a long match, and far from predictable, Tyson Kidd and Cody Rhodes did put on a respectable back and forth that established further that Rhodes wants his belt back. Christian, in his best Indiana Jones sidekick attire, has no issue standing toe to toe with the American Dream’s night terror.
Hey, you know what else is cool? Christian is a Grand Slam champ. Edge isn’t. At this point I’m not even sure if he had the opportunity. You know it’s worth considering: it’s like Al Qaeda in a… oh, show’s back on.
CM Punk defeats Kane
Okay, why are we even having this match? It’s stupid; we’re all dumber for watching it. You know something is bad from the start when the champion comes out first, I’m still struggling to comprehend what that’s about. The match itself doesn’t seem to make sense, but the title being on the line sucks all logic out of the room like… see here? This is me resisting a fellatio joke. This is me passing over an Eve joke. This is me watching this match right after the commercials and feeling very yawn. Yes, feeling very yawn. Not the actual match: it’s sound so far. The rationale behind the match is even sound, if narcissistic. Being the General Manager (of RAW (and SmackDown)) has that advantage.
I think what this match lacks, in all honesty, is focus. It’s hard to focus on it because it itself lacks focus. There’s no rationale behind the lead up to it, and with fifteen minutes to go, you have to wonder why this match matters in the least. I offer two ideas.
One: adding Kane to the WWE Title hunt. I know, it sucks, but with Kane getting chair shots from Bryan and chair shots from Punk, they have to have some idea for what to do with him. At least he’d have more direction that the Great Khali though, who is literally just a placeholder. Like I said earlier though, you always need a big bad guy. Kane is the red one. Big Show is the blue one. That doesn’t have anything to do with shows. And…
Two: honestly I don’t remember two. Kane hasn’t had any purpose since getting Batista-ed way back when. Why not just throw him in a big picture hunt? Remember that movie Good Burger? Abe Vigoda, best known as Salvatore Tessio in The Godfather, was in that movie. Didn’t know that, did you? Why not? Because he was just there; I’m convinced he walked onto the set and they gave him a costume for a free actor. All in all, Abe Vigoda is awesome.
And enter AJ. While certainly sexier with her crazy, I mirror Cole’s words when I say that whenever she shows up ringside, things happen. Usually bad things happen. Let’s see, 9:53. Bravo, Punk, terrific chokeslam counter, it was smooth. Commentator mode active.
Why is this match so long…? Why did it take so long for Bryan to come out and do nothing? And why… did Kane just kick out? Hello interest. My name is DiZ. We haven’t spoken in a while but that’s because SmackDown doesn’t do it for me much.
Ah, brief interest. Our favorite Yes! Man double dropkicks the two competitors, screaming “Yes!” with each and every strike. While he could easily be a spokesman for a condom brand, Kane’s double chokeslam did more for me and this whole thing than the backstory behind the match.
Oh, and here’s Big Johnny. On his scooter and brandishing his secretary whore. And there’s the announcement of the triple threat match. Now friends, tell me: did Bryan or Punk pull a Ryder? Did they piss McMahon off too? What did they or we, the fans, do to deserve a triple threat match when the one-on-one conflicts between Punk and Bryan are already so damn good to watch? Introducing this third element is just weird. No one wants it. You could hear the boos in the crowd.
Overall, my love for SmackDown is still on shaking ground, thin ice and whatever else you might call it.
We here at L.E.W.D. discussed earlier today the intent of crafting pieces that celebrated 4/20. While I myself do not partake in said “sticky-icky,” and while I’m not entirely sure that my fellow L.E.W.D. brethren avoid the cannabis as well, who are we to deprive you, our loyal reader, of some lighthearted celebratory hijinks involving our wit and the long list of pro wrestling’s most popular potheads?
Seeing as it’s currently nine minutes until Smackdown and said article(s) haven’t seen the light of day on this site, I guess that would make us a bunch of jerks…so be it.
But while we’re on the subject of Smackdown, and I have a few minutes to murder before moving on to my next duty of the day, please allow me the time to release a poignant, well-constructed, and hallucinogenic free rant against one of the WWE’s newest superstars…
…Damien effing Sandow…
Let the ellipses show that yours truly has not the first positive or supportive thing to say about Damien effing Sandow. I dislike Damien effing Sandow and highly doubt that he’ll add anything to Smackdown or the WWE.
*Disclaimer: The following is a tirade against the character Damien effing Sandow and not the man portraying that character, Aaron Stevens. Mr. Morris is sure that Mr. Aaron Stevens is a fine, law-abiding citizen, a doting husband, father, and son, and an organ donor. But the reality is that he’s boring as goose-s**t and so too will Damien effing Sandow be.
Those of you that visit this site routinely know that I will often watch and comment on two of the WWE’s lesser known and viewed shows: NXT and Florida Championship Wrestling (FCW).
For our two readers that just realized there were WWE shows outside of RAW and Smackdown, FCW is a developmental territory for the WWE. Simply put, it’s where new hires receive their standard WWE training before being brought up to the main roster (i.e. RAW or Smackdown). FCW is also the nether-realm main roster stars get sent back to if they can’t cut the mustard on the main roster.
This is where Damien effing Sandow comes from, and this is where he should stay in my humble-yet-vociferous opinion.
My opinion of effing Sandow is based on what I’ve seen of him through the YouTubed episodes of FCW that I watch routinely. From what I’ve seen and heard, there’s nothing about this character that is invigorating, energizing, entertaining, depressing, or noteworthy of any response outside of what happens whenever the Divas appear on television.
There is very little from this character that warrants or elicits any type of emotional response on either end of the spectrum. He’s about as bland as plain ice cream (not Vanilla…plain), and eight times less likely to be screamed for that America’s least favorite flavor of the tastiest frozen treat known to anyone except me.
Stop; I know what you’re thinking or probably saying: “But Mr. Morris, CLEARLY effing Sandow is good at what he’s doing because he’s made you hate him…which is on the end of the supposed spectrum you mentioned before badmouthing ice cream. You, sir, are a liar and a hypocrite.”
If you actually thought or said this, then much like John Cena, you’re only half-right. “Hating” Damien effing Sandow is indeed on one end of the spectrum, but that’s an entirely different spectrum than the one I mentioned above. I don’t “hate” Damien effing Sandow because of his heel character; I “hate” Damien effing Sandow because he made it to the main roster!!!
A lot of my friends/followers and some fans on the world wide internets actually like the character. He’s appeared on our TVs twice, spouting off this or that about how he’s going to essentially bring class back to the WWE. Think of him as an unmasked Matt Classic from Wrestling Society X, but less entertaining and way more yawn-inducing:
In reality, Damien effing Sandow is more of an unholy hybrid of Lanny Poffo’s “The Genius” character and Bob Backlund. Even still those two were at least mildly entertaining…unlike effing Sandow…
Here…watch one of his matches. He’s wrestling Richie Steamboat, son of WWE Legend Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat. Effing Sandow doesn’t even have an elbow strike that looks intimidating…and he’s wrestling against a Steamboat!
Sad thing is, this isn’t effing Sandow’s first run in the WWE! He wrestled as Idol Stevens alongside KC James as Michelle McCool’s “Teacher’s Pets.” This worked well for Stevens, so well that they sent him back to developmental and he was released from the WWE in 2007.
Everyone deserves a second chance, however, and Stevens was given one when the WWE hired him back three years later in 2010. Effing Sandow was born and now we get to be bored to tears again. Lucky us.
But this post is Booking 101, and I’d be a super jackass if I didn’t suggest something that would make effing Sandow less hated from my own perspective. In his defense I will say that wrestling in front of 7,000+ people on Smackdown is very different than wrestling in front of 100 people in the FCW arena. Perhaps effing Sandow will rise to the occasion and cause me to rethink my whole stance here.
I sincerely doubt it. To be very sincere with you, I think he’s the second coming of Eric Escobar.
What would I do if I had to book effing Sandow? I’d leave him in FCW and bring up Richie Steamboat, Seth Rollins, or Xavier Woods until I figured out what to do with him besides release him again. That’s all I got.
But alas, this rant isn’t all about me. I’m intrigued by what YOU would do with him. Let me know, and try not to be offended if I laugh in your face.
Anyone else doing the “Funkasaurus Dance” to celebrate the arrival of the weekend? Just me? Awesome.
Hot off the heels of a stellar RAW, WWE’s B-show held its own and delivered a decent night of television.
As fans we got what was expected; an Elimination Chamber line-up, Orton/Barrett match, and another video courtesy of WWE Productions but we also got unexpected farting, veganism, and a new tag-team.
Without further ado, my 7 points of the night:
1. Smackdown’s Elimination Chamber Line-Up.
Smackdown kicked off the show with Teddy Long in the center of the ring, explaining the Elimination Chamber.
He announces Daniel Bryan will defend against Wade Barrett, Randy Orton, Mark Henry, Cody Rhodes and Big Show.
This match piqued my interest mostly because it is Bryan’s/Rhode’s first Elimination Chamber and Wade Barrett’s second. Big Show and Orton are tied with 3 chamber appearances each, so should be interesting to see if that gives either veterans an “edge.”
2. Mark Henry’s “Suspension.”
After injuring himself last week on Smackdown and powering through the Rumble, it was no secret Henry would be taking time off. The only mystery would be how WWE would choose to write him out of Smackdown for the time being.
After hearing Teddy Long run through the EC line-up, a frustrated Mark Henry makes his way to the ring and tries to swap his Chamber entry for an instant title match.
Long decides to take a stand and removes Henry from the match but won’t give him a title shot either.
Henry responds by flipping Teddy’s tie…and he’s suspended…
We all knew it was coming but that was a little weak in my opinion.
Before Henry could actually do some damage to Long, the Great White (here’s hoping his push gets him a better nickname) comes to save the GM.
We see a nice Brogue Kick take Henry out of the ring and learn that Sheamus isn’t deciding which champion to face until after the Elimination Chamber.
3. Sheamus v.s. Rhodes
Sheamus’s mic time draws out Cody Rhodes, who announces he is going to win the title at the upcoming PPV.
Long seized the opportunity and left the two to put on a pretty great match. I feel like both Rhodes and Sheamus have come a long way, and I enjoy Rhodes as Intercontinental Champion.
I would not mind seeing something develop between these two.
4. A new tag-team added to the “tag-team” division.
Apparently Santino was disatisfied with his current partner, Yoshi Tatsu and decided to replace him with….Hacksaw Jim Duggan?
The two made a funny pair and the tag-division is a bit of a joke anyway…. so I guess it works.
In their non-title match against Primo and Epico, Rosa came through with yet another distraction and the P&E got the win.
5. Heel heat brought to you courtesy of Veganism.
How do you get the crowd in Omaha, Nebraska to turn against you? Tell them not to eat meat.
::sigh::, I get where they are going with this and it is nice to see Veganism get some play. My dad has been vegan for the last 36 years and I have eaten vegan off and on for most of my 26 years.
More and more people are becoming Vegan and there are a lot more options out there for Vegans in 2012. In case you did not know, Vegan does not just limit one to no meat. It means no diary, honey, eggs, seafood, poultry, etc.
After my grandma battled stomach cancer, which her doctor attributed to too much red meat, my dad became Vegan as a sign of support and actually did find it giving him many health benefits. My dad tried to force the diet on me from birth but my mother, who loves all things fried and meaty, had other plans. Nevertheless, I always eat vegan when I go to my dad’s for PPV’s. Spicy fried tofu…yum!
My problem with this Bryan-Vegan business is that A. We saw this angle with Punk/Hardy already… “I’m better than all of you, you shouldn’t eat meat” and he gets booed while an oversized giant wrestler gets cheered for eating a steak. Granted, it’s not as bad as booing the guy preaching “no drugs” but still, we have seen it before which leads me to B. Bryan isn’t Punk.
Because they both have similar backgrounds and were Indy Darlings, there has been constant comparisons between the two and now we have similar angles. Some commentors and writers on various other sites have gone as far to say that Bryan rivals Punk on the mic…
That claim is so ridiculous to me, I will just keep moving…
Bryan continued his descent into sneaky heel status by claiming he shouldn’t have to be in the Elimination Chamber, he already proved his worth as champ, womp womp.
He and Show have it out via mic/chokeslam and Bryan narrowly escapes a punch to the face thanks to an injured AJ.
6. People are talking about the Divas.
Too bad it has nothing to do with their skills, great matches, or even looks this time…
In a backstage segment we were given Natalya farting and Santino throwing up into a trash-can because of it.
While I did not cry injustice like a lot of people, I don’t really see this helping anything…
Natalya and Beth squared off against Tamina and Aksana, with Beth ordering Natalya “out of her ring” and gaining the victory. Natalya is left behind and takes it out on Aksana only to be attacked by Tamina.
Look at that, my blurb about the Divas is about as long as one of their matches and probably about as interesting…moving on.
6.5 Khali replaces Henry in the Elimination Chamber.
My friends and I really enjoyed the movie “Despicable Me.” If you haven’t seen it, you should. It is fun for all ages.
Whenever we are in disbelief or surprised by something, we quote the minions from the movie and deliver a high-pitched “Whhhhaaaaaaaaaaa?”
Yeah, we are really cool…Anyways, that’s what Khali’s involvement in this PPV received from me.
Big Show and Khali in the same Chamber match seems risky to me. How many big, awkward moving superstars do we need in an already cramped space?
7. Orton and Barrett Git R’ Done.
These two beat the hell out of each other and I was happy to be along for the ride.
Both men looked great but Orton came out victorious via RKO to Barrett on a steel chair.
Backstage, Bryan finally gets a match up with someone other than Big Show… yep, Randy Orton. Already looking forward to next weeks main event.
***An honorable mention goes out to IMPACT this week. The London crowd really added some much-needed energy and the matches were pretty good. Usually I equate watching IMPACT to watching paint dry but not this week.***
Until next time, Too-da-loo