Well, well… is that our little author?
–Lupe Fiasco, Shining Down
Welcome back! Controversy and assholes aside (I’m talking to YOU, Adrian!), today we celebrate hitting 10,000 views! WOOO!
Tonight’s Theme: One-Word Exclamations
Okay, now that the pageantry is out of the way, let’s get back to the wrestling. 9:02 PM and we’re talking about the Big Show’s violent display of violence, as well as a subtle sadistic streak. Standard. Not boring but predictable. Cut to the live show and here’s Cole, in the ring, about to put on his best faux-Lance Storm impersonation as he talks about the Big Show and invites John Cena out, blaming him for the Big Show’s actions. Meh, could be worse. Could be better to. At this point watching the WWE product is getting to be a would-be fun game of connect the dots. I could be watching E3 coverage right now; subsequently Adam Sessler is one of my heroes, right up there with Morgan Freeman and the Green Lantern. John Stewart Green Lantern, not Hal Jordan or Alan Scott. You know Alan Scott was just revealed as gay? He’s arguably the most powerful character in Earth 2. That’s interesting. I wonder how many hyper conservative… oh wait, Cole is still talking.
This dull. Promos are an art form and I’m watching it get squandered. Cole accuses Cena of mess, Cena drops some motivational, “Never say die!” lines and this has been done before. I’m bored. Let’s talk about E3 a little bit. Microsoft had the first press conference, and I have to say: I was less than impressed. It was okay but being a first party company they have to appeal to a wider audience with their reliable little black box. Hence: media wonderland. Halo 4was given proper time and even looked a little impressive. Later on we had the Electronic Arts press conference and I can say with total transparency that I cannot STAND Electronic Arts; not the Sports division at least, I… THEY’RE STILL TALKING?! What the hell, it’s 9:09 and it feels like they’ve been going forever! Cole is taking pot shots at Cena but who cares? Yes, Cena’s heart isn’t in it anymore, you hope Big Show beats him up, big deal, big whoop!
Oh boy, here comes Big Johnny… still in his scooter. To his credit, I love how he continually introduces himself with “My name is John Laurinaitis. I am the General Manager of RAW and SmackDown” and I like how he’s still so wooden and deliciously (pause…) evil. Cena can pick his opponent. “Gee,” I say in my sarcastic voice, “who is he going to fight?”
MICHAEL COLE?! Sarcastic gasps all around. Jesus, I really COULD be watching E3 stuff or playing The Witcher. I have to say, that’s quite a game. Difficult as all hell. Wait, Cole is crying. Begging for Johnny to save him but Johnny did kind of just leave him with a metaphorical “piss off” just now. Touche. Johnny Ace maintains his status as one of the few consistently interesting things about the WWE right now.
Commercials. That’s a pause from writing. If you didn’t catch on yet, I write these in real time, hence the swiftness and conversational humor. Sidenote: why did the match up cards have Kane’s on fire? I understand the why mind you but it was so out of place and tacky. I don’t know about you, but tacky is something I don’t do, a result of my affiliations.
Ah, and at 9:19 we’re back, and Johnny Ace is still an ass. Cole is still screwed. Funny, but meh. Meh is to me what “Hah?!” is to Kanye West. Anyway, welcome to the scene, Lady Guerrero. While I eagerly await the RAW or SmackDown debut of her daughter (*drool*…) I can still drool at Vickie’s fine ass as she continues to manager Ziggler as we go into the match between him and World Heavyweight Champion Sheamus.
Like the SmackDown from Friday, I’m impressed by the physical matches that they two are capable of creating; I was certainly pleased as you can tell from the previous one. Ziggler manages to properly support the monicker of “Show Off” as he gets out of situations and around trouble. Sheamus sells his role as a brawler and, possibly, short tempered. I say possibly because Vickie would drive a lot of us to losing our temper; how that would manifest is anyone’s guess (I know how it would manifest with me, HAH?!) but Sheamus’ character is meh.
If I didn’t say it before I will now: I really appreciate the “kid with something to prove” angle they’re playing with for Ziggler; I KNOW I said he’s probably who I want to see in the world title hunt more than anyone right now. It gives his talent a proper backdrop and Sheamus is a perfect challenge for that right now, one hand because he’s big, one another because he’s the champion he’ll likely have to face in the near future (at least I HOPE near future) and he comes across as a little engine that could… can… does… did… meh. Wait, let me Kanye that up: MEH?!
And with a relatively smooth White Noise from Sheamus the match is in the last stages. A deadly foot to the face lays out the scrappy competitor and Vickie screams in disappointment as the Show Off takes another L. Great job, Yung Berg…
Sheamus defeats Dolph Ziggler
On his way out, here come the Mexicans. Del Rio and Rodriguez ambuh the living jar of mayonnaise and the former tries to dismantle the champion’s arm. The crowd boos, Rodriguez stares suspiciously hard at Del Rio’s chest and we have the referees tend to a fallen champion. Yawn worthy, sarcastic “meh” worthy. You know we’ve seen it all before. As we come to commercials again, let’s talk E3 a little more. You know what really looked smooth to me? Splinter Cell. Never been much of a fan of the series but when that game is played as crisply as it was on stage… it’s HAH?! and MEH?! worthy all at the same time. Tom Clancy has to be a very rich man. Besides that, the game doesn’t seem to be falling into this new trap of every game having co-op. I’m not against it but adding multiplayer to games that are traditionally single-player campaigns.
Actually that reminds me of Kane and Lynch. Terrible franchise thus far. Making a movie. Bruce Willis is signed on to play Kane. You won’t believe who is supposed to be playing Lynch. No really, you won’t. Here’s your hint: same guy starring in Django Unleashed, a new Tarantino flick being developed as we speak. Go ahead, true gaming believers, check it out.
Show’s back. Don’t know who Tattoo is over here but Johnny and Otunga are speaking, McMahon is apparently returning to RAW next week to evaluate Laurinaitis’ job performance, Cole is trying to justify his match through it and now we have our buddy Sin Cara coming out, again in red, NOT again with an opponent who is already out.
Oh lookee here, it’s Hunico and the Samoan. Who remembers the Sin Cara v. Sin Cara rivalry from before? I do. I like how well this match can go even more. These two aren’t apparently friends (citation needed) but they’re both excellent competitors. This match is already a thrill to watch, and it goes along with my point of Sin Cara needing opponents that can help his talent show. He does a lot of Hurricaranas for my taste, mind you, but… well, you know my personal Kanye-ism. The faceless one wins again, against his old doppleganger, and despite Lawler’s lie about Sin Cara having many moves (might be very well true but I haven’t seen em) we can say with total honesty:
Sin Cara defeates Hunico
Next match is going to be Ryback again. That means someone is about to be defenestrated through an invisible window and somewhere, in the annals of cyberspace, someone else is planning on making a fake Ryback entrance video with Goldberg’s WCW music and adlibs. I suggest John Williams’ orchestral sound geniuses be interspersed throughout the video and the sound of pyro be replaced with the wilhelm scream.
Back to the show, kind of. Who else is stoked for the 1000th episode of RAW coming up next month?
Yeah, that’s right, I’m excited. Then again, I’m excited for everything. Introducing two skinny sacrifices to the ghost of Goldberg past: a man of alliteration for a name and a straight Jew (check the nose; joking, it’s the name). Ever read The Last Werewolf? Yeah, Ryback’s nameless opponents seem like the people Ryback eats. Another two-on-one match; I can say I miss the backstage segments where people watch these segments in shock and awe. Now the sadist in all of us is just being fed more and more. The double clothesline was fun to watch, as is the march, but I’m slowly starting to get bored by this. I think the point has been made: he’s an unstoppable monster that eats emaciated amateurs. Now he can be developed as an unstoppable monster that eats mid-card jobbers. I see Zack Ryder amongst these unfortunate jerks.
Someone asked me after the last piece what my problem with Zack Ryder is. I was honest; he’s to me what Damian Sandow is to another writer on this great blog. Nothing about Ryder sticks out to me outside of the fact that he’s second fiddle to someone better, usually a champion. John Cena. Santino Marella. We all love Santino and his submarine sandwich antics, but when you’re playing second fiddle to him you KNOW something is up. Nothing but love for the man, mind you, but still…
Nearly 10:00 and we have our first main event (that’s what I call it) with CM Punk and his match with the incomparable (…meh…?) Kane. The funny thing is I think a proper one-on-one between CM Punk and Kane can be very good. Daniel Bryan’s arrival, complete with the patented “YES! YES! YES!” chant pleases me, and if he’s going to be on commentary I’m overjoyed. No? Just taking the microphone and talking shit? Equally good. Question and Answer Time with Daniel Bryan? Yes. About AJ? YES! YES! YES! Let’s add another one-syllable exclamation of being to the fray, shall we? We got “Meh?! from me, “Hah?!” from Yeezy and “Yes!” from Bryan Danielson. Maybe that’s the theme for this piece. It’ll go up there near the top when I’m finished.
Oh, Bryan IS sticking around, commentary questionable. In any case, we must remember that since the last match ended in a DQ, this match is a rematch that “must have a winner”. Now since the last match was a WWE Title match and then this one should have to be as well, right? Wrong. There just must be a winner. Way to keep continuity in check, Creative. I mean, ADRIAN!
Like I said in the paragraph before the last, these two can put on a great match and they’re putting on something worth watching right now, so in the most basic (and let me stress that: BASIC) sense, that makes the show something of a big-budget ROH. The action in ROH is always top notch, high quality, near perfection and all that but the stories and all are… I’ll go with “meh”. “Hah” is too excitable and “Yes!” is a contradiction.
Allow me to say that it is funny to see Kane put a leg scissors on something smaller than him too. On that note we go to commercials. 10:08, I’ll resume writing when the show comes back on. Stay tuned. This is live action writing as its most competent!
10:12. Back. Kane in control and I’m still hyped off of E3, reading on the Sony (another first party developer) highlights on a live blog. Check it, I still don’t know what Kane’s role in the WWE Title hunt is, but I still don’t like it. I’d rather he was just a regular opponent for the Straight Edge competitor. We’re winding down. The tribute to Randy Savage (my personal favorite wrestler ever) lands but the match continues (not familiar in the least; insert sarcastic “hah”) and Daniel Bryan comes in and messes with Punk. Okay, that was “Yes!” worthy. I missed AJ’s appearance but Lord knows I didn’t miss her twice.
Kane turns around, finally someone with the nerve to use the Titantron to their advantage and stalks the woman. Bryan intervenes, adding that perfect dimension of confusing love to the story. And AJ’s suddenly wet panties properly establishes her as being turned on by guys that beat up other guys. There’s a name for that, but I don’t want to reach for the Lita angle, if only because implied rape wouldn’t fly in this PG era of the WWE; circumstantially, neither would a woman falling for a bully. But hey, Be A Star! Oh, sorry, forgot the bold.
Kane defeats CM Punk
This is quite the love triangle/angle/circle/line/dot thing. Bryan is a dick who doesn’t know how to love (*cue awful Lil Wayne track*), Punk is just a guy that digs crazy chicks (hey, we’re all guilty of it…), AJ is a sadomasochist and Kane is the confused junkyard dog who doesn’t know anything outside of eating, fornicating and executing violent acts of viciousness.
Back to the show, crazy AJ is being interviewed by a man who I thought was dead and gone. Scratch that sadomasochist bit, she’s in the same category as Eve: she’s just very aggressive… and still crazy. What’s this? Arousal? Yes, arousal. AJ has me aroused; and no, that’s not just some sexual term, I mean I’m literally intrigued and attracted to this character.
Wait, pause… what the fuck is this? Why is Michael Cole doing a heartfelt “Save the Babies!” telethon type of mess? He has a match with John Cena, and while none of us want to see this, it happens. Let’s go back to sexy AJ and her aggressive and crazy behavior. Makes me happy. Should make you happy too!
Big Show Interview (Controversial Words, Part 2)
Come on. Lesnar did it and he was kind of funny. They even use the same line: “I am NOT an entertainer. I’m a (insert noun here).” Maybe this is leading to something greater, I don’t know. Doesn’t matter right now. Our next match is a tag match with our tag champions R-Truth and Kofi Kingston (and Little Jimmy (?)). Kofi Kingston is probably number two on my list of guys I want to see in the main title hunt. A Punk/Bryan rivalry between him and Ziggler might be very interesting. They have contrasting styles and tremendous talent, the both of them, so now, with the top stars in the company about to take their vacations (or suspensions (or arrests)) this could be a perfect time for Ziggler to shine. Kingston is still deeply intertwined in the tag division.
Oh, show is back and the match is already on: guess that means the champs are destined to win. The opponents are Tyler Reks and Curt Hawkins. Kofi Kingston is getting a nice reaction from the crowd and Truth does too, when he dances. I feel like this match is a throwaway, so let’s enjoy the commentary between King and Cole while we watch the actual match. Cole’s pleas for the match to be canceled have me smiling (about halfway to “Hah?!”) while the actual match has me “Meh”. It’s no secret I’ve never been too big on tag team conflicts; they have to be very interesting to keep me totally entertained.
Wow. That was quite a decent back and forth. This actually has been a
decent good match. Again Kofi nails the Trouble in Paradise again, which looks as deadly as the Broque Kick when it needs to. Bravo. Prophecy fulfilled.
Kofi Kingston and R-Truth defeat Tyler Reks and Curt Hawkins
And now we only got one more to go: Cena and Cole. Yawn worthy? Probably not. But in the meantime, Sony’s E3 press conference has had a couple of hits. HTC is announced as the company’s first non-Sony partner, some classic games are getting the Vita treatment and I stand by my claim that Sony NEEDS to get exclusive content for their versions of games so things will sell. Don’t recall where I read it but apparently the Xbox accounts for half of all current gen consoles being played right now. That means the Wii is in second and the PS3 is on the tail end. Guess that hesitation to drop the price really came back to bite you in the ass, eh Sony? Yeah, Far Cry 3 is getting exclusive content but guess what: Xbox is still gonna sell without it. I contend that Sony’s true strength lies in their homebrewed characters and franchises. God of War, Sly Cooper, Uncharted, InFamous, THOSE are the big names you lean on, not trying to boost sales based off of losing to the Microsoft conglomerate.
But we’re at the last match. Not sure when the Big Show is gonna show up but here’s Cena and here’s our friend in the scooter again, who has been “thinking” about this match. Now its No DQ and here comes… Tensai.
Remember how excited you were when you forgot that Lord Tensai was on the roster? Sorry, now its just Tensai apparently. We didn’t give the slightest shit about Tensai when he was Albert or A-Train so why should we care now? His skills have improved but he’s still Albert with new tattoos and a Japanese worshiper. Sakamoto’s interventions have more personality, and calling the dude Sakamoto is already pretty racially insensitive as it is. Not as racially insensitive as, say, having a big white guy obliterate three black people based on the sheer fact that they had a match after his initial termination, but hey, what do I know? The dude ain’t in Paris but he’s going gorillas, HAH?!
You know what? That IS fun to just scream out loud in a nasally voice. Go ahead, give it a try. Take the following terms and scream them out in a loud comically exaggerated voice. “HAH?!” “WINNING!” “BOOTY MEAT!” It’s fun, I promise.
To New Albert’s credit, he plays the scary big man well, but I don’t feel like he’s getting over with the fans. I don’t see him winning this match (its 10:53) but with John Cena–
OH! Cole smacked Cena, THAT was the hit of the night! That was hilarious, and perfect, and Cole is right, a lot of us DO want to do that to Cena. Foolish move yes, but I’m entertained! HAH?!
10:55, five moves of doom time, Cena’s inevitable victory, Cole’s minor punishment and finally Big Show’s appearance to punch Cena in the face. I think that’s what’s going to happen. Since I write this in real time I don’t backspace so if I’m wrong I keep writing. Play by play time!
10:57 Cole tries to run through the crowd. Cena catches him. Give him a noogie. Cole goes flying back over barricade
10:58 Thrown back into ring. Cole has microphone. About to beg for his life. Cena looks amused. We (and by we I mean me) are not amused. Reminds me of Ernest Miller v. Bam Bam Bigelow. “YOU MY HERO!”
10:59 Cole wanna shake hands. Now he’s puffing his chest. Taking off his tie. Got a De Niro thing going on. Somewhere I swear Cole sees Big Show, I swear…
11:00 Cole pokes Cena’s chest. Cena says he’s gonna kick Cole’s ass. Smacks his chest. Cole’s pants are gone; none of us are pleased by this.
11:01 Cena stomped Cole’s nuts. Still not pleased. Cena about to smack Cole again. Referee himself looks surprised and in pain by it. Cena validates Lawler. Making Cole apologize. Cole does apologize. Cole is such a bitch…
11:02 Cena making Cole apologize to Good Ol’ JR. Since I like JR I appreciate this. REALLY taken back to Cat vs. Bam Bam. “YOU MY HERO!” Wait… making Cole say he likes JR’s BBQ sauce… that’s lame.
11:03 Lawler has bottle of JR’s BBQ sauce just arbitrarily around. That’s kinda weak, but okay… Cena hits Cole with the microphone. Now Cena wastes perfectly good BBQ sauce on a human being.
11:04 It was hot sauce. Okay? Cena has fire extinguisher. Sprays Cole. Still not amused. Intrigued but not amused. Time for the Attitude Adjustment. Cena has BBQ sauce on his back. Tensai comes back and kill Cena. Technically match isn’t over.
11:05 Cole pins Cena but only gets a two count. Now we have a match going on… why? Cole takes fire extinguisher.
11:06 Misses. Cena gets Attitude Adjustment off. Cole dead. Cena wins two matches in a row (pay attention to these things). Haven’t seen Big Show yet so I’m sad, but screw it.
11:07 Lawler talks us out. Reminds us of McMahon’s return on RAW next week. Cena sprays Cole some more. Still no Big Show. Lame…
And there’s RAW, June 4th 2012 edition. On a scale of one to four, I say between three and four, closer to the four because of the in-ring action. Story wise nothing was pushed along really. Tensai’s appearance was stupid and unnecessary but when has he been necessary in the last few months? And in Albert’s case: years? Good night everybody!