Pre-Game Thoughts: Lockdown 2013
Suit and Tie is a pretty good song. If you haven’t heard it, it’s one of Justin Timberlake’s new singles off of his upcoming new album and it features Jay-Z. When I say it’s pretty good, that means I enjoy it and think many people will, Kanye West not included. The backdrop is lively and exciting; JT’s voice and lyrics, save for one or two select lines, offer his traditional level of swag that only he seems to exude, and Jay-Z’s verse doesn’t take away from the song.
Therein lies my critiquing, however. Suit and Tie is pretty good, but it’s not great. A few lines are too grandiose for someone, even of Timberlake’s stature, to take seriously, and Jay-Z’s verse, while taking nothing away from the song, is unmemorable and unnecessary. The true star of the track is Timbaland (Virginia knows music ^_^) and his key role in the production. The blaring trumpets add that terrific little bit of “extra” that pushes the song forward.
But I have to come back to the Jay-Z verse because it follows what feels like a trend of uninspired verses (“Get up out ya seat, Hov” is SO hilarious in that regard) with his guest appearances. Perhaps I wouldn’t harp on it so much if he didn’t sound like he was trying to imitate a certain “good” rapper’s flow; metaphors aside, he sounds like he’s trying to – and not successfully – channel Kanye West’s style, down to the lyrics, and I can only imagine he’s still feeling the sting from Renegade 2.0, or Run This Town if you want to use the official terminology.
The track didn’t need a guest verse, period, may have even been just as good without it (translation: remix) but if it was doomed destined to have one then I could have just as easily seen longtime Jay-Z rival and current musical winner Nas taking that spot, if we’re set on using legends. His recent experiences and album, all storied for better or worse, put him in a position where he could offer a grandiose and club-ready verse that didn’t just sound inspired, but fitting. A guest verse is a deadly trap on many songs because it could easily result in the guest rapper overshadowing the main star, but it has to add to the song and NOT take away from the main performer either. To Jay-Z’s credit, he doesn’t take away from the song, but that’s about all. Otherwise he comes across as bored and underpaid. Kind of brings Kanye’s rant about not liking Suit and Tie into perspective, doesn’t it?
See what I just did there? That was analysis. That’s what we do here at L.E.W.D., all of us, and we do it with pride, dignity and a little thing called class. Therefore, when we craft some gold (which is normal: it would be better to use the metaphor of platinum or diamond) we like it when people listen, view and respond. Yes, we like it. We like it more than Grand Puba and his track “I Like It” and how he liked the track “I Like It” from DeBarge, who collectively liked Janet Jackson. Just shy of love, but rather high on like.
Some of you may agree with us. Some of you may not. Some of you may like how we talk about possibly bookings. Some of you may not like how we seem to systematically dismantle Total Nonstop Action Wrestling. Well again, we appreciate all of these opinions, but at the end of the day it comes down to one simple mentality, as vocalized by this large, scary gentleman here:
That being said, there’s a stereotype that we here at L.E.W.D. headquarters that we HATE Total Nonstop Action Wrestling. This is untrue. It can be said that I, Da Infamous One, hate TNA. That wouldn’t be an untruth. No one here, except for maybe a couple, has shed more tears over the company and it’s tremendous wasted potential than I have, but to their credit they may have shed tears of sorrow. Not necessarily me.
I know what you’re thinking. “So DiZ, you amorous avatar of acceptable avarice, if you hate – and reasonably so – TNA so much, why are you talking about it?” Well to answer you question, loyal serf or dishonorable Smith, I am giving the ill-fated company my attention because there is a PPV tonight. Yes, tonight is the ninth annual Lockdown, live from San Antonio’s scenic Alamodome. After months of build up, we get to see a number of matches that feature… wait, let me give it the proper definition: it will feature professional wrestling matches that involve different wrestlers from pre-existing scripted feuds and storylines. Wrestlers will portray villains, heroes or less distinguishable characters in the scripted events that build tension and culminated in a wrestling match or a series of matches.
And no one cares.
Understand, I was going to put that line in later but here is just as good as there. No one cares. That’s not to say that TNA doesn’t have fans that care (we know my point of view on TNA “fans”), but frankly very little makes sense. TNA comes across as a place where wrestling matters, and nothing else does, not even wrestling. Yes, it’s a contradiction of itself and that’s how it goes at an R. Kelly party.
But the wrestling fan/analyst/bon vivant/world class connoisseur of the booty that is me (Da Infamous One) knows that TNA still has a chance to be something, and that is why I continue to watch the car crash that is Dixie Carter’s establishment. Hopefully it’ll get better in time. I just doubt it’ll be tonight. So while I prepare to shed more tears, I briefly look at the current card and offer a few words of commentary, giving you all a semblance of solace at how my hatred for TNA is nothing compared to the melancholy (total lack of care) that comes from the media:
So onward to the matches!
Robbie E vs. Robbie T
For a long time I had a long time telling who was who, and even now I have a hard time telling. I like the big one; he’s awkward and less annoying. Watching the disruptive destruction of the Jersey Shore knockoffs even new sexy bodied Snookie would find to be annoying is fun, I’ll admit that, but it’s hard to take it anymore than just that: fun. Not even high fun, just regular fun. I find it disproportionate because while big Robbie is enjoyable, little Robbie is like an over groomed poodle: he’s there and he’s little else. Is he good in the ring? Sure. Are they both good in the ring? No doubt. But let’s be honest: TNA excels in putting on good physical action. You will be hard pressed to find anyone on this site who thinks otherwise. But professional wrestling without good storytelling is not a good product. It’s kind of like God of War: Ascension. Sure, it’s a good game, but one bit of blatant misogyny can ruin the experience something fierce, and that’s saying something when bare breasts, horny harems and my absolute favorite (don’t judge me) media representation of the goddess Aphrodite (Venus if you’re part of the Roman crowd) are the norm.
At the end of the day, I expect the big Robbie to win, start “dancing” to dubstep, and continue being as awkward as only he knows how to be. That’s about it.
Joseph Park vs. Joey Ryan
I thought Joey Ryan was fired.
*eleven minutes later*
Seriously, I thought that *edited for the L.E.W.D. audience* was fired a long time ago. As valid as the porn star gimmick is (flies for a male but never for a female; I call that sexism!) it just seemed about as valid as Brad Maddox’s annoying douchebag character did to me. To Maddox’s credit, much like Sandow’s, I enjoy him. Joey Ryan, not so much. This isn’t even talking about Joseph Parks though.
And if you’ve seen some of my older posts, you’ll see that I like Joseph Parks. Hell, I think Parks is better off as Joseph than Abyss. Much like the bigger Robbie, he’s big, awkward and, most importantly, entertaining. Sure, the story of the character is odd. Why someone would willingly give up a job as a lawyer, in this economy, to be a wrestler in the number two company? Again, not logical, but Joseph Parks is still a very enjoyable figure to see go around the ring. You actually see this story of him improving, and frankly it displays a degree of brilliance I’m surprised the writers still have. He’s cool. And he’s likely going to win. Because he’s big. And in this company, big people eat the little people.
Kenny King (c) vs. Christian York vs. Zema Ion for the X Division Championship
Is this an Ultimate X match? If not, was there build up for this? If not… what?!
Don’t get me wrong: I like matches like these. These were, at one point of time, a shining star in the potential that was TNA’s primordial ooze. X Division matches and X Division wrestlers were quick, athletic, spunky and specialized in spots, and you know what? That was a-ok in my book. It made TNA worth watching because it was a part of their identity, along with a respectable women’s division and a six-sided ring, but now I wonder: what exactly IS the X Division? I remember there were weight requirements at one point a la light heavyweight/cruiserweight status, but now I don’t know.
I’m sure it’ll be a good match, but honestly: King JUST won the title from RVD. Where the hell is RVD in this championship match equation? If John Cena had the WWE title and lost in on RAW, I would fully expect him to be in a rematch at the next PPV. If Gillberg won a… heh, sorry, let me try that again. If Gillberg won… HA!
Okay, okay, one more time, I’ll get it this time around. Ahem! If Gillber…
I pick the champ to retain.
The Canadians (Austin Aries and Bobby Roode) (c) vs. Bad Influence (Christopher Daniels and Kazarian) vs. The Mexicans (Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez) for the TNA World Tag Team Championship
I know, I know, Austin Aries isn’t REALLY from Canada, but he’s from Wisconsin and dammit, that’s close enough!
Three-way tag team matches always confused me. Unless they were tornado tag matches, and even that has the potential to get really sloppy really quickly. The good news is that this match of six features six technicians, and every one of them knows how to put on a great match.
Before I talk about how I like a handful of these guys, let me say that this match DOES have some solid backstory. The Canadians are jerks who took the titles off of the Mexicans, and Bad Influence is a pair of overly entertaining jerks (I die every time Daniels calls Jeff Hardy “Jefferson” or Bully Ray “Raymond”) who wants gold. You don’t need a lot for a good story, people, and this is proof. All you need is good entertaining people to tell a passable story and let them do the rest with their ring work. And frankly, Christopher Daniels could do it solo: he has at least three people helping him with it though, so it’s even better.
As happy as I’d be to see Bad Influence win, I see… I see them winning, what a coincidence! While Austin and Roode are a great team, I see Bad Influence getting even “badder” and carrying the gold.
Velvet Sky (c) vs. Gail Kim for the TNA Women’s Knockout Championship
Isn’t it a bit contradictory – or at the very least unnecessary – to say “women’s” and “knockout”? Whatever. Do you know how much I love Gail Kim? Probably not. I don’t know what she does to stay looking so young, what she does to stay so fit (what with a celebrity chef for a husband), or what she does to stay so fresh and fluid in the ring, but she does it and she does it oh so well. God bless you, Gail Kim. Why, I remember going to Bound for Glory one year, my first wrestling PPV, and Gail Kim was in a match with… I don’t remember who and I don’t care. But I stood and cheered, screamed her name and celebrated throughout. While jumbo behind me didn’t find my standing and applauding to be amusing (wouldn’t have hurt for him to stand up himself, but I digress) I swear I saw Gail look my way and give me a wink. Oh, such wonderful memories. My heart went aflutter, my voice went up a notch, my pants felt a bit tighter and…
Er… uh… Gail Kim vs. Velvet Sky. I see Gail winning this one; a dirty win, mind you, with some grade A quality heel tactics, but it’s a good thing! Gail’s a heel right now, she needs to be doing that! At the risk of revealing more of my lust love for Gail Kim I’m going to just move on now…
Kurt Angle vs. Wes Brisco
Story: Wes Brisco betrayed Kurt Angle and joined the Wild Bill Hickok English Speaking Vernacular. Period. Angle wants revenge. Brisco… I don’t know, he didn’t make the Lethal Lockdown team? Frankly they had to do SOMETHING with this talentless (yeah, I’m underwhelmed) kid.
This is the non-title, non-team cage match, and because cage matches work so well for Angle when the Two Pair Persecution Affinity is involved. Do I expect a good match? Frankly, no. I fully expect Angle to run circle around Brisco until the… bike-less gang interferes, with all their faceless recruits and, of course, D’Lo Brown. Because when you think old west themed biker gangs without bikes, you think a black man like D’Lo Brown!
You know what, I was gonna bring this up at the end but I’ll do it now: what asshole thought making D’Lo Brown part of this was a good idea?!! I think D’Lo was surprised when this was announced! Someone literally sat down and said, “I have an idea! Let’s make D’Lo a part of this!” And D’Lo probably went, “Wha? People don’t even know who the hell I am! Hell, I hardly know who I am! Let me check my underwear…” But it was too late! Not only does the outlaw biker gang sans bikes have yet ANOTHER black guy in it (cultural aspect) but it has someone in it that NOBODY knows! What do you think was the bigger Google search at the time?
Was it A:“Who is D’Lo Brown?”,
B: “Who the hell is D’Lo Brown?” or, my favorite
C: “Who the hell is D’Lo Brown?!!?!!?”
And Vice President?! A while back a conversation on Twitter regarding… a certain member of G.O.O.D. Music that was not Diminutive Anderson drove me away for the rest of the day. D’Lo Brown’s “reveal” as the vice president of this rather local, small-time, should-be-eaten-up-by-the-Black-Tuna-Gang piss pot of a biker gang (Ron Pearlman would NOT be amused) did the exact same thing, except it drove me away from TV, and video games, and made me curl up with my Kindle and read a book. Because I was sad, and nearly cried because TNA achieved the impossible. THAT I will reserve until a later paragraph though.
See that? In any case, I have Brisco winning due to leather vested interference.
Team TNA (The Joker, Richmond’s Favorite Foreigner, Wasted Talent Numero Uno, James Storm and Not-So-Super Eric) vs. Fifth Card Unknown (Pastor D-Von, Mr. Kennedy, Rey Mysterio’s Pimp, Imposter Kane and Diet Bischoff Lite)
I… no, to hell with it. I’m gonna go eat some ribs and cry in the sink. Team TNA is gonna win, happy?! Dammit!
*some time later*
There’s a reason everyone has their nickname, sans James Storm. Sting comes across as more and more psychotic as the weeks go by (not a good trait for a man running a show), Magnus is billed from Richmond, Virginia (which I hold to be a grimy location), Samoa Joe is completely and utterly underutilized, Eric Young was known as Super Eric as one point, Devon played a pastor character in the WWE, Anderson is… the same as when he was in the WWE, Mike Knox pretty much had Rey Mysterio singing Daddy’s Home every time Mike Knox was around way back when, Gallows was once the fake Kane and, finally, there’s Garett Bischoff… and we don’t care.
You may be wondering why James Storm was spared this treatment. Well, he was once allied with Gail Kim, and that means he gets even more respect from me. Now, since I’ve cried and had a few ribs, let’s talk about this match, shall we?
Jeff Hardy (c) vs. Bully Ray for the TNA World Heavyweight Championship
No, there’s really nothing to talk about for the previous match outside of the fact that it takes place in a cage… thing. It’ll be violent and, at the end of the day, pointless. It’s bad when an entire group is referred to as the world gimmick of 2012 (puts a damper on that whole “2013 is the year of Aces and Eights” thing, doesn’t it, Devon?). That thing I was referring to earlier, that I said I would revisit in a later paragraph? TNA has officially become the first company I know of that has systematically jumped the shark THRICE. That means three times. This James Butler Condemnation Affiliate is abysmal in every way, and the only thing that could redeem it now is a nude scene. Yes, a Brooke Hogan nude scene. Tasteless? Very, but you’ve given up on quality, you can at LEAST go for flat out smut.
But whatever. Jeff Hardy vs. Bully Ray for the championship, in a steel cage. What we have is everyone’s favorite redemption story (*holding my tongue*) versus everyone’s favorite friendly bully. It comes across as a bad episode of Recess, combined with an afterschool special with music done by Seth Macfarlane.
Yeah, that bad. But that’s a very basic view: the build-up was okay, at best, and the actual match has potential to be a good one. Bully Ray is a terrific wrestler and Jeff Hardy is a terrific stuntman. That means there will be a lot of jumping and a lot of mat work. It’ll be good, so long as Hardy isn’t drunk; NO! BAD DIZ, TAKE THAT BACK! What I meant to say was that it’ll be a good match so long as both parties are at their peak. That being said, I don’t know who is winning this one.
I have no idea: it’ll be the main reason I watch the PPV. If Hardy wins, then… nothing. That’s the end all be all. His story is one of getting beat up by the Hoyle Deck Society. Should Bully Ray win, nepotism is proven to be alive and well, and Triple H will be a 14-time world champion. Yeah, it was a lame joke, but that’s all Bully Ray’s storyline is right now. He falls in love with girl Hogan, marries girl Hogan, becomes the “future” of the company… it’s Triple H’s story, minus the fun, and the sexy brunette with an ass that just won’t quit. It’s still just a creepy relationship though; on-screen, in the mind, its like something out of a Tecmo game, and if you saw how the first draft of this piece went you’d know EXACTLY why that’s a problem!
But Hardy vs. Ray, or Jefferson vs. Raymond as Christopher Daniels might call it, is an unknown for me. I’ve no idea.
And that concludes my preview of 2013 Lockdown. Do I expect to be amused? Meh. Give me a good match with Gail Kim and a swift end to Wes Brisco’s TNA career, and MAYBE I’ll graduate from “meh” to “okay”. Blee.
… (By Corbin Macklin)
Hi, I’m DiZ. The following is a rather profane, though dangerously focused, rant from L.E.W.D. brother Corbin Macklin. While L.E.W.D. does not intentionally seek to dilute the potency of brother Macklin’s original piece, it has been edited so as not to greatly offend the audience and to maintain a particular level of professionalism and certain standard maintained by the writers of the site. Nevertheless this piece is fueled by pure emotion, people, and I feel it clearly coincides with a lot of people’s views after the Royal Rumble PPV last night.
I offer this disclaimer though: this is a VERY explosive rant, and in reading it you agree to read some very explicit material. That is your warning. If you are of a weak constitution or find yourself easily offended, I suggest you stick to the other pieces on the site.
It must also be said that the comments and views posted here in the piece, including the language and style represented here, do not reflect those of the other members and writers of the L.E.W.D. Crew and website. To reiterate, this piece is intended for MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY. Reader discretion is advised.
With nothing more to say, I present Corbin Macklin’s rant: “…”
I feel worse right now than I did when my grandfather died, and the chick I loved at the time stopped talking to me the day before he was buried. Somewhere somebody is thinking “Gahdamn this dude Corbin’s priorities are JACKED up! So much emotion over fake fighting…” To those people: screw you.
Screw Dwayne Johnson. Screw John Cena. Screw Vince McMahon. Screw Paul Levesque. Screw Stephanie McMahon. Screw any and everyone that was remotely invested in the fuckery that took place in the main event of the Royal Rumble. Especially screw you if you’re happy Rocky Maivia is WWE Champion.
One of the main reasons I’m mad is because Punk won. Then they Dusty Finished all the smarks by restarting the match. In the space of two or three tweets I went from clicking my heels 3 feet off the ground to laying face down in the floor. One could say: Great job by creative eliciting such emotion from a fake fight. Screw that person. Screw creative. That mess wasn’t creative at all. After that transpired all the hell I saw all up and down my timeline was “EFF CENA AND ROCK II”. Meaning, this stuff is boring and ridiculously predictable.
I called my best friend and sat in stunned silence before he pissed me off by saying “You knew Rock was gonna win”. I screamed “NO” then told him what I opened this rant with. I told him: “You just ended the longest title reign in forever, for a guy who won’t wrestle but two more times before absconding back to Hollywood to make his boring ass movies I’m not going to watch.” Because screw him. Forget building a new star to rival Punk and Cena that will actually wrestle on RAW. Forget giving that rub to someone who needs it.
Things like this is why I don’t believe in the word ‘deserve’. Tell me Rocky Maivia deserved to be in a world championship match after wrestling two matches in eight years and Iswearfogawd I will slap the taste outchu.
Nothing any of you can say to me @CorbinMacklin on twitter or in these comments will convince me that this mess needed to transpire. I WILL curse you out should you be dumb enough to attempt. I quintuple mothereffing dog dare anyone to try to explain to me how the HELL putting a part timer we may not see again in 2013 after WrassleMania over the company’s top two workers makes sense.
Chick Magnet Punk can win the belt back on RAW. I’m still going to be pissed. Chick Magnet Punk can win the belt back at Elimination Chamber. I’m still going to be pissed. Chick Magnet Punk can win the belt back at WrassleMania. I’m still going to be pissed. You know why I’m pissed? BECAUSE EVERYONE READING THIS KNOWS GOOD AND WELL PHIL CHICK MAGNET PUNK BROOKS HAS A SNOWBALLS CHANCE IN HELL OF SNIFFING THAT MAIN EVENT UNTIL AFTER THE ROCK LEAVES AGAIN.
You destroyed a potential classic between Phil Brooks and Mark Calloway, Vince.. Screw you. The table was set to make history. By Mania, Punk would have been champ over 500 days. That streak plus Taker’s streak is a license to print money. We. Would. Actually. Believe. Taker. Could. LOSE. At. Mania. BY SHOW OF HANDS WHO IN THE HELL THINKS CM PUNK IS BEING POSITIONED TO END THE STREAK NOW? FORGET YOU IF YOU RAISED YOUR HAND!
Vince ‘deserves’ to be losing money quarterly for dumb stuff just like this. Nothing they do will be as great as my fantasies of my hometown superstar besting Hollywood’s Champ and the work once a year Satanist in the same year. Nothing. Phil Brooks could win back the belt and hold it ten years and you have still shat on something great.
Show of hands… who thinks Cena is going to pick Alberto Del Rio? Screw you. Get off my website reading my greatness. You disgust me. We all know WWE is going to make Rock – Cena: Twice in A Lifetime now. Dumbest stuff ever. Even if they make it a triple threat and Punk wins, you STILL made your top two guys job to that candy ass jabroni. THE HELL!!!
So all that said, I’m not doing anything drastic like not watching Raw. But I will be pissed when Rock does little more than cut promos. I’m going to be pissed when every tweet that reflects on that result positively trolls me. I’m going to be pissed about this mess forEVER. And… this is EXACTLY why I love this fake stuff.
Lead Me to the Rock that is Higher than I: Cena, Punk and Dwayne
My memories of the infamous Attitude era of the WWE (then WWF) are lacking. I can remember the bigger things: I remember Brian Pillman (RIP), the sexual overtones, Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels’ major feud, ‘Taker and Michaels’ equally significant feud, Tyson, and of course the face of the era himself: Stone Cold Steve Austin.
I suppose you can group the era into seven major factors (hyperbole, but for the sake of this piece we’ll use seven): the rises of Stone Cold and The Rock, the Ministry of Darkness, the Brothers of Destruction, Degeneration-X, the rise of the many faces of Foley and the long-standing war between Austin and McMahon. Up until recently I was looking for a missing link between what I was attempting to write a little while back and what I’ve been trying to scribe here for what seems like several weeks. That link comes from the Attitude era. It comes from the feud between Vince McMahon and Stone Cold Steve Austin.
Looking at the return of The Rock, I can’t help but immediately return to the why of his return in the first place. His irregular forays into professional wrestling/sports entertainment have been to put someone over on the entertainment side and to bring in reasonable financial gain on the business side. At this point it’s fair to say that he’s more a Hollywood mainstay (which is pushing it a little in my tastes) than a special guest Superstar. Skipping ahead a bit it functions as the reason I’m not for him winning the WWE Championship at the Rumble; he’d fall under the same category of people that Punk criticized recently, i.e. Bob Backlund. Kayfabe, to be sure, but I find it to be an interesting deal. In any case, Dwayne Johnson’s latest foray back revolves around his gripes with the bastard son of Kamino engineering and Kal-El himself, John Cena.
Some might say that that isn’t true. It is. And you may not realize it, but you’re likely wrong if you disagree. I’m talking to YOU, Adrian. Everything about The Rock’s latest romp has, in some capacity, revolved around John Cena, whether shameless talking about how much he doesn’t like him, to misinterpreting colonial American history and polluting sources of water AGAIN by throwing in Cena merchandise, to mysteriously shutting up after his Wrestlemania victory. Remember, he was relatively quiet after that until CM Punk began to run his mouth more and more heel-ishly. The announcement was made that he would have a WWE Championship match at the Rumble and I don’t think I can invoke my reaction any better than this here. Mostly because it made no sense. Secondly because it was an almost perfect set-up for Once in a Lifetime… Again. Which cheapens a good match from a good PPV. That’s the exposition; now let’s get into the sexy elaboration.
With Royal Rumble, Elimination Chamber, Wrestlemania, Extreme Rules, Over the Limit, No Way Out, there was a theme. Each match featured a significant match with Cena and someone trying to murder defeat him. This does not differ from most of his matches in concept, but we were dealing with Kane’s attempt to drag him into darkness, the Big Show living up to his “new” contract with the “fat” bonus and, of course, Brock Lesnar’s violent, and highly appreciated, decimation of Doomsday before being overcome by his equally broken opponent. Again, nothing special about that, except for one thing: John Laurinaitis.
Outside of failed Odd Future philosopher Scorpio “Harold” Sky and the unknown soldier known only as Dr. Shelby (no one can verify that his name is Sam Huntington), there are few out-of-ring talents I immediately appreciated. The chain-smoker voice, the petrified wood chin, the history as a skateboarder, the past with a porn star, the still head-scratchingly confusing WXO promo, he was a godsend. He was great. He had a problem with Cena, just like he did with Punk (foreshadowing) and it showed as Cena became more and more of a nuisance to the executive vice president of talent relations and the general manager of both RAW and SmackDown! Mr. Excitement, as I’m sure Seka called him during their relationship, had a mission: kill Superman. And with this Lex Luthor state of mind, Johnny Ace (as I’m not so sure Seka called him during their relationship) sent out enforcer after enforcer to put him out of his misery. To varying results. All of them failures, save for Over the Limit, which DID feature a John Laurinaitis victory. Not that it put much of a dent in Cena’s momentum.
Big Johnny (as I’m sure Seka never called him during their relationship) waged his campaign silently. Cena was the unstoppable juggernaut and he was throwing everything he could at him, even hairy non-Japanese people. One of my more unfounded, but wholly comprehensible, conspiracies is that Mr. Skillful and Dangerous (as I’m sure NO ONE has ever called him in any situation) attempted to utilize Eve to a succubus effect on Cena and his plucky cohort Jason Todd. I mean Zack Ryder. Both of them died miserably, what’s the difference?
Hmm? Oh, Ryder is still alive? You say you knew that? I didn’t. He’s irrelevant.
With Laurinaitis’ departure there was a void left in the “Let’s Kill Cena!” leadership, but the movement never faded away; it kind of stayed around like an unpaid bill. Cena’s ambition towards the WWE Championship, as well as his failed love life with various women of Hispanic descent (and levels of mental stability), crowded his mind state and at the end of the day the Royal Rumble became his goal. All signs even point to him winning, which is a very reliable indicator as there is only one sign courtesy of unnecessary commentary by pro wrestling/sports entertainment commentators such as ourselves. We all “knew” Cena was going to win at Wrestlemania as well. We (most of us) were happily surprised at how wrong we were too.
People are clamoring for Rock and Cena Part 2 now, and the loudest person calling for this match, even without calling for it at all, is Cena. Yes, Cena. In an interesting inverse to Punk (more foreshadowing) Cena is still attempting to acquire a level of respect and prestige that he doesn’t feel he has. Personally I think it just comes across as greed at this point. Even the best of intentions can be disastrous, if the person doesn’t appreciate what they already have. The character of Felix Anthony is one of accepted opulence: the children love him and he keeps striving for an achievement he can’t possibly reach because it would be backtracking.
For better or worse, the Prototype is at a level of prestige even he can’t acknowledge. He’s a multiple time world champion, a Make-A-Wish maven, a money making jam boy, a platinum selling recording artist, a workaholic, loved my millions, the man responsible for more little boys considering homosexuality than any other man in the United States (citation needed), and at that point there is only one thing a person wants: more.
The hunger for more is a very real thing, and it’s not a fleeting disease like with that somewhat lyrical hip hop guy from New York who ran with half a dollar hanging out of his ass. John Cena can only aspire for more now as he’s at the peak of Mount Everest. He COULD go the Kurt Angle route, which was lazy at best, and say he’s going to the bottom of the mountain so he can rise to the summit again, but why? What does that prove? All it means is that Cena did the same thing twice. And at this point, he’s done is three times. Notice how a hat trick is considered the ultimate in a hockey or futbol game.
And what does Cena really want? “More” is a basic term. He wants more prestige. He wants more gold than a party hosted by Mr. T. and Trinidad James. He wants women (and I bet I had my hand around a Bella before he did). He wants the big screen and Hollywood lights. He’s a horrible hybrid of the two biggest stars of sports entertainment, Hulk Hogan and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, and so long as they have a place in the mainstream Cena will want more. Again, he’s already at the tip of Everest, but like a European stuntman he seeks greater heights, like perhaps a moving platform that lets him free-fall from the atmosphere to the ground.
Long and short: John Cena wants to be the immortal face of sports entertainment and professional wrestling, and much like Ric Flair says you have the beat the man to be the man he knows he has to beats his only competition, or himself. And I don’t know, I just don’t get the notion that Cena is the kind of guy capable of beating himself. Too infused with steroids, you know? Very uncomfortable I hear. Anyway, like I said, his only “competition” is Dwayne Johnson (who lives the life of Cena’s aspirations) and Hulk Hogan (who lives the life of Cena’s worst nightmares). He doesn’t want to be the king of the mountain; he wants to sour above it.
And that ambition is greedy. Everybody wants to rule the world (says Tears for Fears) but humility is sacrificed every bit of the way, and the ideals of “hustling” for it fall by the wayside and get warped into greed. Greed. Greed.
Greed.
That’s the word. When it comes to the Rock, you can argue that he sees in John Cena the same thing he sees in his past self, and the Rock, as a result, has two options: let that continue, or put the upstart down before he gets too uppity, or goes from a Red Sock to a Yankee as CM Punk said once before (I haven’t forgotten about Punk yet, don’t worry). Think of it like the plight of lions. See, when a mommy lioness and a daddy lion decide to get together and have little Simbas, Nalas are safe. Females are safe. But males are in trouble. The daddy lion may, in an effort to maintain power, kill and, in some cases, eat the male cub. Isn’t that special? The Rock is the latest enforcer in the quest to dethrone John Cena, by the establishment. However, The Rock has nothing to prove; he’s done his time, paid his dues and kicked plenty of ass along the way. He had his own Wrestlemania moment doing battle with the face of sports entertainment himself Hulk Hogan. He’s the one souring. That’s why he gets the pop he does at this point.
But Cena is hungry. He’s hungry with no right to be. In many ways he’s already surpassed the object of his greedy delusions. And it’s not hard to imagine how clouded your vision gets when your ambitions outweigh your common sense. Some of us call it writing about professional wrestling or sports entertainment. I’m enough of an ass to say a lot of you (i.e. – Smith, Smith, ADRIAN, Scooby-Doo) need to calm down, step back and realize that you’re not that great at what you do. I’m cocky and back it up with humor, wit, shameless attempts at flirting with beautiful celebrities and a keen appreciation for Joseph Ducreux. After all, I am DA Infamous DiZ, not just Infamous DiZ. So to all y’all trying to put your shit out:
So Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson has the right to say: “Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.” Cena IS that higher rock, but he’s too blind to see. Blinded by the light, as it were. And personally I have a BIG problem with anyone who directly or indirectly insults the good name of Manfred Mann.
But that takes us to the other end of the scale. The Rock versus CM Punk. The man who is breaking in to fight the champion versus the champion who maintains the epic greatness of the late, great Rodney Dangerfield. That’s not even a full sentence and it spells out the perfection of their conflict.
Hmm, that’s not quite right. There is no perfection with this match or the concept, but there is validity and comprehension. CM Punk has come across as a savior of sorts, a messiah figure, who doesn’t seem to give the slightest damn about the people he’s leading to a promised land. I like to compare him to Moses as portrayed by Seth Macfarlane’s Family Guy. You know: apprehensive to lead his people to freedom, constantly complaining, likely the father of a number of illegitimate children with red-headed rock stars (we’re not finna talk about what I want to do to Christie Hemme (I apologize to Christie Hemme)), etc.
Punk plays the anti-hero, not the good guy or the bad guy, but the protagonist to an age old story, transcending history, and the world. A tale of soul and sword, eternally retold. He’s the greatest of all time, by many standards and according to a number of critics, but he still plays second fiddle to the likes of John Cena, Dwayne Johnson, and of course John Felix Anthony Cena.
Let me ask you, “you” being the reader: have you ever been better than someone, and KNOW that you’re better than them, but they achieve what you put your heart and soul into as opposed to you? The answer is “Yes” because all of us have gone through that. Some people feel it when they deal with work-related things. Some with relationships or the lack thereof. Some do it on forums or following articles or the like; commenters, they’re sometimes called. Granted, nine times out of ten a commenter doesn’t know shit.
I don’t know: it irks me from time to time. What does a number of comments mean when the piece or topic isn’t worth a damn to begin with? I don’t know; frankly I don’t want to know; it’s an answer I can do without. So please, miss me with the notion that a lot of comments means something. Granted, a comment might mean something if it, in and of itself, carries more weight than the piece it is a comment for. That’s logic talking.
See what I just did there? I spoke truth. Truth is what CM Punk is known for. He has two things going for him when he gets on the mic now: truth and opinions damn near impossible to argue with. That’s his appeal. He backs it up with tremendous in-ring performances and the occasional bit at the commentary table. I found it to be very nice that he was disappointed whenever the table was destroyed; he questioned whether or not he was at the Spanish announce table. He also joked (?) about not wearing pants during the third season of NXT, also known as the Divas edition. You and me both, Punk, you and me both.
By all (citation needed) accounts, CM Punk’s only logical competition as the best all-around character in the WWE is Daniel Bryan, and with that in mind you have to ask the question: WHY doesn’t he get the respect he deserves?
Well it depends. In terms of kayfabe: because it’s fuel. In terms of business: I don’t know. He won’t sell as much as Superman; Superman will always sell more than John Constantine does, but people can relate to a John Constantine more as they advance as opposed to an alien who, really, isn’t all that remarkable. Seriously, think about it. What makes Superman so special? He’s not on his home planet, that’s all. Otherwise he’d be another denizen of a destroyed planet, as opposed to the only one left, that they know of.
But that’s CM Punk’s character: striving for respect where he shouldn’t have to. Seeking to grab a gold ring he should already have a dozen times over. Where does the Rock come in to this equation? Simple: he’s another roadblock, another Cena. Punk has had to overcome opponent after opponent, match after match, clean or dirty, and at the end of the day, he gets nothing but hate. No respect. Dwayne Johnson comes back after doing movies only to, and to borrow a word from L.E.W.D. brother Corbin Macklin, abscond back to doing movies after doing a sequence in the WWE. And he already has a title shot. More than that, he has a title shot, period. I have to say: that’s that shit I don’t like.
What does the Rock mean for CM Punk? He means CM Punk has either:
- A title to lose to set up Once in a Lifetime, Part 2, or…
- A milestone to cross that Cena could not.
It seems like a simple fork in the road, but the possibilities are great, what with the Shield, Ryback, Brock Lesnar, Cody Rhodes and his debonair mustache, Damien Sandow and his intellectual greatness, a host of others and of course AJ “I make men cry when I wear actual pants” Lee. Did I mention Ziggler? No, I suppose I forgot. I’ll remember for the future.
At the end of the day, the Rock represents expectation. Anticipation. The standard. The Rock represents today what Hulk Hogan did during his run that culminated with a match with, not surprisingly, The Rock. It’s not really all that complicated, but it is interesting that the mental aspects of Punk and Cena have been playing out for as long as they have. The triangle between Punk, Cena and Dwayne Johnson MAY culminate in a triple threat match at Wrestlemania, but as I stated earlier – or should have if I didn’t – it wouldn’t mean much. Maintaining a feud for a year is hard work, and the feud between Rock and Cena had plenty of low points during the year it took to manifest the actual match, like further polluting New England’s nasty ass waters.
But what do I know? I just talk about stuff. What do YOU think? And by “What do YOU think?”, I mean what do you want to add to the conversation?
Popcorn Wrestling and their Addicts…NO!
Once you clean your desk and computer of VOMIT then please read this post!
When most people choose to eat popcorn, they eat it as a snack. I’m not sure many people sit down at the dinner table and prepare a steaming plate of popcorn as their choice meal for the evening. Also, many people don’t sit down at a restaurant and ask, “I didn’t see the price for the Popcorn Meal on the menu. I was hoping you could locate that for me!” If you meet a person that does either of these things, back away slowly, and run in the opposite direction as swiftly as possible.
This is the same mentality I take with TNA Addicts because they devour Popcorn Wrestling every week on TNA iMPACT. Total Non-Stop Anticipation is responsible for more ADHD outburst than a fireworks and laser/lights show in a room with tear away walls…wait…that IS the iMPACT Zone…
The Popcorn Wrestling that I’m referring to is the idea that a company can have a product that has a number of pop-up moments that are exhaled by the ADHD (IWC) wrestling fan base. Ultimately these Popcorn moments do not lead to anything.
After last night’s (1-17-13) episode of TNA iMPACT, I realized something very important. I am not conditioned to watch TNA due to my heightened level of analysis! TNA Addicts watch iMPACT in an episodic manner. They can celebrate every episode because that’s all they are looking for, a weekly fix.
I, along with many other members of the L.E.W.D. Crew, analyse the product for the value that it brings and the value that it provides for both the past and future product. Unfortunately, TNA does not present a product that is promising for either the past, present, or future.
SO…Last night, the wedding of Bully/Buh-Buh/Mark (he was referred to as all three last night) Ray and Brooke Hogan was to take place. The wedding went as a wedding is supposed to until it was time for the presiding official to declare them husband and wife. Tazz then proceeded to interrupt them with two points: 1. Nonsensical babbling about whether or not Bully Ray wanted to do this. 2. “Is it just me, or is it hot in here?” Then he removes his tux jacket to reveal that he was wearing an Aces & Eights vest…
This is where the separation between me and the TNA Addicts comes in. Beyond the fact that it provided a “Moment” that will be talked about in the collective basements of the 40 Addicts convulsing from their overdose of Anticipation, what good came from last night? (I’ll wait……………………………………………………….)
Let’s look at this in the three categories of time.
The Past:
The biggest issue I have with this is that TNA and their Addicts have boasted about how their product is “Cutting Edge,” “Not the WWE” and “Pro Wrestling”…Now maybe I am just…NO!! For almost a month now, the show has been closed out with the “Worst GM in Wrestling” “The Infamous” Hulk Hogan, his ravaged daughter/”Knockout’s GM” Brooke, a suspended talent/”Best heel in the business” Bully/Buh-Buh/Mark Ray (Whom is now a face…), and a band of biker men that don’t have contracts or personalities but can cause chaos for the sake of chaos given that we still don’t know their motives. Pro Wrestling right?
The most recent episodes have featured the TNA Champion Jeff Hardy (carrying 2 belts) in the opening segments and maybe having a match preceding the dramatic close not involving said championship, thus making the main event the aforementioned debauchery!
Maybe I’m wrong…NO!!! That is Sports Entertainment be definition!
The Present:
A moment…That’s all it was. (Thanks Da Infamous DiZ)
Tazz took off a jacket, became a public member of Aces & Eights, and this provided a brief moment of WTF. But as my good friend Mr. Quinn Gammon stated, there are 2 types of WTF’s. One is the expression of Shock and Awe, and the other is the expression of confusion and distaste. The problem with this “Moment” is that the percentages for the WTF had to be 40%/60%. This would mean that more than half of your live studio audience was confused as to what was going on, and why is the announcer guy joining the other team.
Mr. Ashley Morris brought up a great point as well in a conversation that Tazz is the “Human Suplex Machine” only to those who knew of him in his ECW days. He had a very short (unmemorable) stint as a wrestler in the WWE, so to the vast majority/casual fan, Tazz is no more than the announcer guy, and given that you can’t hear the announcers during a live recording, most of the Addicts in the arena, whom are regulars, will not be familiar to Tazz’s contribution to the product, therefore causing confusion as to why it is important for him to go to the “other side”.
The Future:
Not much of one with this story…
What happens now? What value does the A’s & 8′s get with the addition of Tazz? They already have sponsored segments on the show anyways. They already have infinite access to the arena. If they can just learn how to wrestle in matches, they may actually make an impa…NO!!! They simply do not matter! We still do not know why they exist. Every other Hostile Takeover that has happened has had an immediately stated motive as to why they do what they do…except this one! That is not innovative or groundbreaking, that’s just STUPID!!!
Popcorn Wrestling is just something that I can not get into simply because I look at wrestling to be thorough entertainment. There is a big difference between whimsical and nonsensical. I will watch (and sometimes enjoy) the whimsical over the nonsensical any day. Don’t get me wrong, I love some good old-fashioned wrasslin’, but I like to deal with organization that don’t have an ongoing identity crisis!
What do you think?
Rt. Rev. Showtime
State of Pro Wrestling Address
We are back again with another Podcast covering the state of the industry.
Topics came from the following:
Vitality of the Pro Wrestling Industry for both WWE & TNA
Champions of the Industry
And various current events.
3 Hours is asking a lot!
It’s Sunday night. There’s a WWE PPV on, what am I doing? Watching The Wizard of Oz. Right now, I have a few complaints that really made me disinterested in the whole product.
1. RAW is 3 hours long. Sorry, but I am working three jobs, a full time student, and in a sorority. Three hours on a Monday night to watch a television show is A LOT of time.
This also makes me question the fact that this is supposed to be geared toward kids…half of these kids are being put to bed before RAW is over, and the other half has the attention span of goldfish and don’t care about a story that drags itself over three hours.
2. With RAW being 3 hours, it is a long drawn out story where nothing really happens. The cliff hangers from before that kept me watching for the next episode can be solved in one Monday night. Where’s the fun in that? Also, the plot lately is dead. It’s boring. The same old “I’m the champion,” scheme is getting old.
3. This is more of a biased reason I don’t like watching anymore: My favorite wrestler NEVER wins anything. When I first started watching, Alberto Del Rio was awesome. He was actually doing stuff. Now, he’s just lame. He never wins, he’s all talk and no game. Also, he’s always getting hurt and his little Sancho Panza-esq side kick comes out as the fool. My respectable favorite has been turned into a scene of mockery.
4. To resolve my previous disgruntled fandom, I picked a new favorite: Dolph Ziggler. There is a lot of potential for him to save the WWE for me right now. If he gets a good story line going that isn’t just a stupid gimmick for one show, I’ll keep watching.
5. I’m so sick of this same story with C.M. Punk. He’s made me hate him, not because he’s a bad guy now, but because his story is so damn boring.
As I said earlier, RAW is 3 hours long and I’m busy. BUT, if the storyline was more interesting, I would make the effort to record and watch Monday Night RAW and I would actually know what’s going on to watch the PPV.
I’m almost afraid the WWE has extinguished its prime, and right now might be better off being syndicated or maybe just take a hiatus to regain fans.
I think it’s a dark age for the WWE right now.
Sincerely,
The Scholar
RAW 8/27/2012 (Part 1)
We’ve all had the same question for the last few weeks: will the three hour format work for RAW. Short answer: it can. Long answer: it has been. Going from a two hour show to a three hour show is about the equivalent of going from a long single disc album to going into a double disc that, combined, is still less than 100 minutes overall. That may not make the most sense to you but it carries significance, believe me.
We started of this edition with Lawler coming up and demanding an apology for Punk kicking him unconscious last week. While most of us, if not 99% of us, rejoiced at this response to disrespect, the more or less dead crowd wasn’t really into it like they should have been. Punk came out to respond and proceeded to completely bury Lawler. COMPLETELY. I can’t emphasize that enough. Bringing up the fact that a man’s never won the WWE Championship is one thing; bringing up the fact that his Wrestlemania moment is defined by losing to Michael Cole is another. Subsequently, I felt very screwed that I had to sit through that match when I went to Wrestlemania and I want either my money back or the promise of Vaseline next time, WWE.
Punk challenged the commentator to a match, emphasizing that Lawler would leave that arena embarrassed: either because he lost against Punk or because he didn’t even accept the challenge. Be A Star. A defeated Lawler responded, “I’ll think about it.” Be. A. Star.
The first match was between one-time World Heavyweight Champion Jack Swagger and Goldberg 2.0 Ryback. You already know who won so I won’t bore you with minor details, but let me ask this question: does ANYONE remember when Swagger was the World Heavyweight Champion? It wasn’t a really long reign by any means, but it lasted for nearly three months and it was exponentially longer than the World Heavyweight Championship run of former BFF Dolph “I’m Jericho 2.0” Ziggler. To add more humor to that statement, Swagger won the title OFF of Jericho back then!
In any case, Swagger’s defiant “THIS IS IT!” shout outside the ring tells me that they’re going to do something with him now. Anything is better than jobber hell; he can be in jobber nirvana easily.
Our next match was the obligatory Divas match: Natalya versus Layla, the Champion. The crowd, already dead, wasn’t enthused, and Vickie coming out before the match and actually pushing for the match to be done with throughout was an annoyance more than anything. Layla wins the match and Vickie quickly shoos both her and the Hart chick out of the ring to scream about her discomfort, anger and disgust with AJ, as well as push that subtle (citation needed) invitation that she should be the GM again. In response, AJ came out and attacked Vickie. Aside from Vickie showing herself to take a fall better than a lot of women AND men on the roster, this crowd, which still pissed me off, chanted “Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!” repeatedly during AJ and Vickie’s quick scuffle, AJ caught my attention because she displayed some of that crazy she’s become so famous for as of late. I like that. It’s sexy. And crazy chicks are sexy.
And she’s Latina. I don’t know if that’s supposed to carry a hidden meaning or anything, but my conspiracy theories on Mexican and Hispanic Superstars and Divas are pretty well known on this blog, and a significant portion of Part 4.
Next we get the first Triple H video package, and the thought process is set in peoples’ minds that he’s set to retire. Note that this hasn’t been verified in any capacity though. Nice package, but it lacked something I wanted to see…
Speaking of lacking things I wanted to see, we get to Daniel Bryan in his first week of anger management. Stop processing what I’ve written for a second and consider this: Daniel Bryan in anger management. If those words don’t pop out at you and sparkle gold with diamond outlines then something is wrong with YOU. Daniel Bryan has proven time and time again that he is a god-like technician in the ring and a god-like technician when it comes to working the crowd. Now he can add the title of god-like technician in working a comedic segment. Nothing about this was wrong and everything was hilarious, from the small group, to the shirt Bryan wore so proudly, to the COMPLETELY unimpressed look on his face when the camera first focused on his face. Assaulting the child? Very Be A Star, and very, very hilarious. Ironically enough, the most memorable moment in that first segment to me was when that man said his son, wearing the goat mask, was playing a goat in the school’s production of Noah’s Ark. Why? Because I never actually considered that the Ark had goats on it.
Oh, and I like Harold. When you need a good token black guy then you get Harold! Harold kicks ass!
We come back to the live segment and Lawler accepts Punk’s challenge. We already know what outcome that’s going to have, but then Cena comes out for his match versus the Miz. No, this is NOT a Wrestlemania rematch, despite how it may look, you know, with Cena being Cena and the Miz being a champion and all. Standard match. Standard everything. Cena wins. I’m so shocked. If only you could hear my intense sarcasm.
Lawler is still gone (not complaining) and Cole announces that the crowd can decide what kind of match Punk and Lawler battle in: tables match, cage match or No DQ match. Like many of you, I wondered if there was going to be a cage brought in from India or something because I didn’t see one, but there was one later. Not wondering where the cage was; I have better thing to do than wonder. Another highlight video for Triple H plays, yay.
But fun times abound when we come back to the anger management class. They had said that there was one person missing, and sure enough that empty chair was next to Daniel Bryan. After my new hero Harold spouted his issues, Bryan quickly dismissed them and said that HIS issues were greater, and sure enough, we may agree. The last member of the class came in and it was (who else?) Kane. Everyone but Bryan scooted their chairs away; Bryan just looked pissed. Not even mad, just pissed, almost as if to say, “This some ol’ bullshit, man…”
But my point is proven: Bryan is a god. And Harold might be too. Harold kicks ass. WE LOVE HAROLD!
Our next match was a continuation of jobber paradise with former United States Champion Santino Marella and one-man rock band idol Heath Slater. Here was my question before it even started: if Slater loses, will that be a bad reflection on Sin Cara? Yes, the answer is yes, and I already think Sin Cara is underwhelming. The match was pretty standard until Santino pulled the green sock from his crotch and prepared to put an end to the match. Here Aksana came out, theme song and all, and the second brand of comedy came about: the kid brand, which is the topic of Part 2.
No, a lot of people who can remember Ren and Stimpy will not be amused by this. A lot of kids will, however. With that in mind, just deal with it. Kids find this kind of thing to be humorous, and they’ve worked to a more kid-friendly product for years. It’s worth noting that now they can have a Saturday morning show and can argue that they have found a wavering, if steadying, balance between adult humor and kid humor. They can make that claim; I’m not entirely convinced. We’ll see as time goes on.
Oh, and Santino won, hinting at a feud between him and the Swede. Okay. It’ll give them both something to do, and it could be SERIOUSLY intensified if Cesaro had the nerve to turn the United States title into the new European Championship. I know I’ve said this before, several times, but it’s an election year! Think of the heat! THE HEAT!
Cole plugged in another Triple H bit before the break. Rumblings are beginning to erupt on Twitter from people who haven’t watched this product for about ten years. Worth ignoring for now. Our next match begins with introductions: Brodus Clay and Sin Cara versus Damien Sandow and the man he claims he can have an intelligent conversation with: Cody Rhodes. I’ll keep it 100 with you: I didn’t really watch this match too closely. I saw who won and that was about it. Honestly I’m only a fan of one of the four competitors: Rhodes, and I tolerate the others because of nostalgia, genuine heat and two fine black women who touch their asses together for our amusement. You can decipher who is meant by which on your own time.
Clay and Cara win. Ignoring the fact that Sin Cara can’t dance (helps when you can’t see someone’s face when they try to dance) the third anger management segment began to play, and this was arguably the greatest segment in the history of taped RAW segments in the past few years. The focus was on Kane, and after taking his mask off (to reveal the other mask), he briefly went through the events of his life, much to Bryan’s chagrin. What made this the most epic thing of the evening, of course, was the fact that he mentioned Katie Vick.
He wins, bitches. Aside from being a perfect compliment to Dr. Evil’s group therapy monolog from the first Austin Powers movie (side by side comparisons at the end of the post) this monolog was hilarious AND informative! Seriously, just READ what the man said:
Well, I grew up locked in a basement suffering severe psychological and emotional scarring when my brother set my parents on fire. From there I sifted around a series of mental institutions until I was grown, at which point I buried my brother alive, twice. Since then I’ve set a couple of people on fire and abducted various co-workers. Oh and I, uh, once electrocuted a man’s testicles. Years ago I had a girlfriend named Katie, but, um… let’s just say that didn’t turn out so well. My real father is a guy named Paul Bearer, who I recently trapped in a meat locker. I’ve been married, divorced, broke up my ex-wife’s wedding and tombstoned the priest. And for reasons never quite explained, I have an unhealthy obsession with torturing Pete Rose.
WHAT?! No! After laughing to the point of crying, and significantly appreciating the fact that there was no logical rationale for his torture of Pete Rose (hey Ash, Kane doesn’t need a reason to hate, so why should I?!), I finally advanced into the show.
That’s a lie: I anxiously waited to hear what was next for Kane and Bryan in anger management. Arts and crafts are coming up next week. And you know what that means? MORE HAROLD!
After we have to say goodbye to Kane, Bryan and Harold (*sniff*) we get ANOTHER Triple H video package. I like them but this is enough. Our next match has Good Times (Kingston and Truth) come out, the latter in a match, the other in a suit. Have to say: I like Kofi in a suit. He comes out with his wife too, he has all the wins a black man can have in the WWE without being named Harold. Who is Truth’s opponent?
Why, a fresh out of anger management Daniel Bryan, who in keeping with his anger management going character (reiteration: god-like technician), responds to the heavy “YES!” chants of the crowd with a calm and dignified “No”. BRILLIANT! He comes to the ring and shows respect to Truth with a fist bump. Nice. After a brief back and forth Truth encourages Bryan to show Lil’ Jimmy the fist bump respect too. Bryan, still in anger management mode, agrees, and does, and the match begins anew.
But we might need to come to that anger management class again sooner than next week. Bryan and Truth leave the ring, Truth starts a “Yes!” chant throughout the arena, and Bryan slowly begins to lose his cool, responding with a soft “No” at first and then devolving into a pained, crowd-pleasing, crowd-working, furious “NO!” rant with, I swear, the same son of a bitch from the last few weeks, with the same shirt and everything! Obviously Daniel Bryan has fallen off the wagon. I think we need Harold to be his anger buddy.
Truth wins by countout. Bryan is disheveled and my point, first stated in the Curious Case of Bryan Danielson, is further proven: Bryan is a god. Next, Triple H is said to be there. That’s a start. He comes out. That’s validation. His speech is carefully worded and sometimes you can hear the man break up a bit as if about to cry. While he kept questioning whether or not he was done with the ring, he NEVER explicitly stated that he was done, never. That’s partly why I was left wanting throughout, even with that douchebag yelling loud enough to shout out TNA (yeah, fool, I heard you!). He left with no resolution but a heavily implied retirement. I hope he stays until the next Wrestlemania actually; I want my master plan to play out and yes, YOU WILL AGREE WITH ME!
That’s not a command so much as an assumption: I think you would really appreciate how I see Triple H going out of the WWE’s in-ring action. But c’est la vie. We’ll see what happens.
Next the lights go dim, and the Y2J music hits. For the two people who honestly thought it was Jericho, shame on you. It was Jericho 2.0, who can now boast that he retired the Obi-Wan to his Anakin Skywalker (not going into the Episode posts again until I hit 1000 views on one). He came out and Del Rio followed, the tell-tale signs of a tag match. Their opponents: who else but Orton and Sheamus?
Decent match. Good guys win. At this point (I failed to mention this earlier) Josh Matthews has replaced Jerry Lawler on commentary. I mention this now because Kane comes out, and as he approaches the commentator table Matthews takes off and Cole stands up, scared to sit next to the big red monster. Ignoring the possible Heidenreich-Cole comparisons, Kane’s commentary was as epic as Pootie Tang’s hit single. What was the match? Zack Ryder versus David Otunga. Yes, I was the same way: “Oh my God, who the hell cares?!” It was a match, point blank, and after wards Kane came out and looked as if he was about to chokeslam Ryder.
That didn’t materialize. Kane let go of Ryder and chokeslammed Otunga. Anger management classes ARE working for Kane. He doesn’t need Harold to be his anger buddy, but I think he would benefit nonetheless.
As we begin to wind down, a cage match has been chosen by the WWE Universe and there was a cage. I still didn’t question. First Lawler comes out. Then Punk. Punk offers Lawler the first punch, which he promised if Lawler accepted the match, and the first punch is thrown. The match begins, and sure enough it actually isn’t a bad match. No one thought Lawler would win, but in-ring psychology suggested that he might, all until Punk locked in that Anaconda Vice. Lawler tapped. That ended the last match of the evening.
But the show was not over. A kid yelled at Punk to show Lawler mercy (I know plenty of people that would jump on that comment too) but Punk found a chain and locked him and Lawler in the cage. He began the slow, drawn out torture of Lawler all for the purpose of having King admit that Punk is the best in the world. Eventually Lawler passed out, but the assault didn’t really end. Cena came out and tried to break the chain, a feat I only remember Mark Henry actually accomplishing, and failed. He barked at the people to raise the cage, raising the question as to why Superman didn’t just fly over it, but what do I know? As soon as the cage began to raise Punk bailed. THAT ended the show.
I never actually said it before, but the three hour format, in my opinion, works because they can utilize more talent and give some worthy stars more time, like Bryan, and now Harold, because we love Harold. Is there more filler? Yes. Does it feel unnecessarily drawn out from time to time? Yes. But so did the two hour version. I’m just spouting my opinion though. Be easy people, I’m gonna go shout the praises of Harold.
And now, the comparison. Who did it better, Kane or Michael Myers as Dr. Evil?
Da Infamous DiZ talks about Summerslam 2012
*All moving gifs courtesy of ilovewrestlinggifs*
Hello again, dear friends and enemies. Welcome back to the site. If you’re like me (and you’re not, because I’m the incarnation of perfection) then you come here for pro wrestling and/or sports entertainment commentary, insight, witty banter and, of course, the occasional bit of hardcore animal porn. But since the nation of Kickassia has passed the Protection of Oriental Pigeons Act (aka the P.O.O.P. Act) we’ve had to fall back on pure analysis.
But not me, true believers! Never a fan of the status quo or hot bird-on-bear action, I, the Infamous One himself, is proud to bring you ranting! Yes, ranting, pure unadulterated ranting on something we all love to hate: the WWE! As we all know, last night was Summerslam 2012, one of the big four PPVs the company puts out, and the question is simple: “DiZ, you clandestine paragon of forthrightness, what did YOU, in all your greatness and humility that I can never hope to achieve, think of the PPV?”
Since you are so kind to acknowledge my greatness, I’ll tell you. I’ve picked up a bad habit, I’m sorry to say, one that compels me to actually buy the PPVs, fry up some chicken wings, drink Yuengling and Sam Adams and occasionally endure a random appearance by a long-lost friend. The last element within that circle did not occur last night, but just as well. Those long-lost friends are usually casual fans and at a certain point last night they would have felt cheated out of the $0.00 they paid to watch it.
Not that they matter. What did I think? Well we start with the pre-show match between Antonio Cesaro, the man of five languages (and six words) versus the United States Champion (and I use that term loosely) Santino Marella. Just for you, reader, I’ll treat you to highlights from the match via moving gifs which highlight the best parts of the matches. So let us begin.
The Book of Man Logic says: applying teeth to clothing that may touch another man’s crotch is ill advised.
We all know the reign of Santino Marella as the United States Champion has been stupidly underwhelming. His high point came in the Elimination Chamber match when he was literally the cock of the walk. His inclusion into the PPV, even in the pre-show, is fulfillment of the role of the champion who puts others over. Enter Antonio Cesaro, master of one-word phrases and questionably attractive European women. He’s quickly risen from being Teddy Long’s pseudo-adversary to PPV pre-show talent, and why not? He’s a big Swede who beats people up, kind of like this guy here (only he’s Spanish).
Besides that, with patriotism very high right now (election years will do that to you) a good international heel is needed, and Cesaro fits that bill to a Rocky IV kind of perfection. The match was entertaining, far more than Marella has been in a long time, and his loss came as a sigh of relief to us, the masses. Frankly I think Cesaro can enact a respectable and entertaining run as the United States Champion, and maybe he’ll even bring a little validity back to the title. The big question now is who he feuds with next. I’m hoping for a low-to-mid carder who hasn’t exactly had a chance to shine or, hypothetically, gets thrown into walls by giants.
Aksana, when we return to hotel, I must break you…
Match one (two if you want to speak in technicalities) was between the Show Off Dolph Ziggler and Y2J Chris Jericho. I don’t know who said it, but a very wise person said that this match had the potential to be the best PPV opener in the history of the WWE.
I agreed. Jericho versus Ziggler, old versus new, unofficial mentor versus unofficial mentee, Yomi versus Shura (Yu Yu Hakusho fans might get that one), and sure enough it was all that and more. The in-ring psychology of the match suggested to me that Ziggler was like a younger brother to Jericho, desperately trying to earn his elder sibling’s respect through ability, skill and imitation. That, as well as the fact that Jericho’s role in the WWE right now is to put over the next generation of stars, fueled this great match.
You got a degree and you know sign language, but do you have a heavy metal band? HUH!?!
We were treated to just over 13 minutes of smooth ring work and flashy bravado that ended, surprisingly, with a Jericho win. The crowd was enthused and, even better, we were treated to the Lion Tamer. Not the Walls of Jericho as many figured, but the Lion Tamer. I explained to one person, “The Walls of Jericho is a renamed Boston Crab. The Lion Tamer is there to crush your skill and snap your back in two.” Big brother wasn’t amused.
But I’m looking past that and to what this match might mean for this feud between Jericho and Ziggler. It seems like many a Superstar right now are playing the shadow game to a wrestler they emulate or idolize, and this is the first time I’m seeing how blatantly this is being shown. I don’t see Jericho doing anything big for a bit and Ziggler may not cash in that briefcase in the near future (or maybe he will; get the belt of Sheamus; oops, spoiler) but we may finally see that almost Rule of Two Sith thing I was hinting at so long enough back when Cena was supposed to join the dark side.
Maybe. I hope so.
It’s “No! No! No!” because typing “Yes! Yes! Yes!” into Google is X rated.
Match three was between Daniel Bryan and Kane, more in-ring story for the long (and compelling) arc between AJ, Punk, Bryan and Kane. While the “anger management” angle has seemed to fade a little bit, the sun that is Bryan’s career hasn’t subsided in the least. Easily one of the finest workers in the WWE in a long time, he makes the ring work look good and he plays the crowd to perfection, whether friendly or jerky, aggressive or downright psychotic. Pair him with Kane, another of the great workers in the WWE, and we have a great match.
It is interesting, I think, that this angle has lasted as long as it has, and it all revolves around a Diva, the most powerful Diva on the program, the Diva that did what Eve couldn’t do and did it without any sexual innuendo (the mantra is “I will resist Eve breast, mouth or sex jokes. I will resist…”) and now it seems like she punishing every man that had any relation with her along the way. Look at Punk and his triple threat. Look at Bryan and his psychological evaluations. Look at Kane and his relative third wheel status. Look at Josh Matthews and…
The moral of the story, kids, is that just doing your job is hazardous to your health.
Well to be fair, he was just doing his job. But really, when’s the last time that paid off? That’s not very “Be A Star”-ish, WWE. What does it say when a man who is just trying to do his job gets manhandled and may just suffer from some anal bleeding?
But Bryan won the match via a Small Package (ironic, I know) and AJ has promised retribution and consequences for Kane’s attack. A great match, great work from both Superstars, great tolerance for Josh Matthews. I don’t know WHO he pissed off to get thrown around and beat up as of late but he’s taking it all in stride.
Our fourth match was for the Intercontinental Championship, a real barn burner between token talking Mexican good guy Rey Mysterio and (not a) movie star Mike Mizanin, aka the Miz. I didn’t know what to expect or think of this match but I have to admit: I hate Batman and Bruce Wayne just a little bit more now that we have this image:
Insert generic Adam West Batman quote here.
Personally I think he’d have been better off coming out as the Riddler, being “Mysterio” and all, or even Bane, because of the similar Mexican heritage, but hey, when you need to impersonate a hero, you impersonate everyone’s favorite psychologically damaged, sexually repressed/confused, forever lonely billionaire! Trust me, I know Batman lore, I’m being VERY nice just saying that.
Like I said, I didn’t have much of an opinion for this match because my only thought was that I wanted the Miz to win. I’m in the minority here but I’m not big on Rey Mysterio for the same reason I’m not big on Sin Cara: I don’t see their styles soar because they rarely face other luchas. When the eventual (and inevitable) battle between him and Sin Cara becomes a reality (not that tag team mess where they look like Double Dragon) I’ll probably enjoy it more. After all, what is Sin Cara in the WWE but in the shadow… of… Rey… Mysterio… do I hear the sweet bells of validation?!
The actual match was surprisingly good. The back-and-forth was clever and enjoyable, and the end of the match actually did feature some serious edge-of-your-seat(-with-a-beer-in-hand) moments. The Miz’s victory pleased me even more because it looked like a hard fought victory, which is the best kind of victory.
Match five was the rather noteworthy Sheamus vs. Alberto Del Rio 463 (I don’t think the number is that high, but it might as well be). We’ve seen this match plenty of times but despite Del Rio’s in-ring skill he’s just not that fun to watch overall. He’s rather dull on the mic and he’s grown stale. Someone’s left the cap off of the bottle of Senzao if you catch my drift.
Therein lies the issue: the actual match was solid. It was clean. But like the Primetime Players vs. Kofi Kingston and R-Truth 353 (again, not that many, but might as well be) back when A.W. was their manager, the crowd wasn’t into it. A.W. brought energy to that match, and Ricardo Rodriguez couldn’t do the same for this match.
There was a certain time when the crowd popped though that caught my attention, as shown here:
The crowd popped at the armlock. Otherwise, they said, “We are not amused!”
But that pop actually came BEFORE Sheamus displayed his strength, when Del Rio locked in his finisher. That was curious, but even when Ricardo threw his shoe (you’re missed, A.W.) the crowd just wasn’t into this otherwise solid match. Sheamus retained, but it’s about time we had something new. Sheamus vs. Del Rio has long since overstayed its welcome, and I wouldn’t mind seeing Orton in the WHC title hunt again. Speaking of Orton… no, nothing. I just wanted to get your hopes up. Like I said to Quinn before: he dismantles with arguments and logic. I just hurt people’s feelings. Deal with it!
The next match was the Primetime Players against Kofi Kingston and R-Truth, who seemed to be dressed in Superman attire for some reason or the other. You’ll notice the lack of moving gifs for this one. That’s because there are none (or at least I don’t feel like looking). It was a standard match, and the consistent chant of “Kobe” throughout (or maybe “Kofi”, it was hard to tell) was the highlight.
My biggest thing was finally acknowledging that one of the biggest African-American wrestlers in the WWE right now is a Que. That’s gotta be an interesting article in the Oracle I reckon. Kofi and R-Truth (I call them “Good Times” because I think of this song when they come out) retain their titles, but honestly I don’t feel too strongly either way about them right now.
The WWE Championship match followed this tag team encounter, and the first thing that caught my attention was the order of appearance. John Cena was first, then the Big Show, and finally the CHAMPION CM Punk. That’s good. It’s progress. Punk wasn’t in the main event but that’s a gripe for another post.
There’s no more animal porn, but this… is our loophole.
I’ll say this: that match was as good as it could have possibly been. There was a consistent attempt to keep it a one-on-one bout and the double tap out was, predictably I’ll admit, interesting if not a little cliché. Punk’s victory was the icing on the cake because it was both so like him and so unlike him at the same time, which only makes his tweener status (HE’S NOT A HEEL!) all the better.
But you have to wonder: is this part of a grand months long arc like that of Daniel Bryan? We know the Rock is waiting at the Royal Rumble for his match (with no reasonable explanation as to why this match CAN even go down) but what until then? Minor sidestories within? Gaiden? Cheese? The Tahj Mahal? Hammer? I’m actually voting for Hammer. Otherwise, CM Punk is a terrific tweener, in the same vein of Stone Cold himself (SHADOWS! SHADOWS! SHADOWS!) and I like that.
He’s walking around in this dress that she wore, she is gone, but the joke’s the same… pretty in pink… isn’t she? (I had to do it)
What the people (i.e. – many of thee) don’t understand is that there’s a lot more to the characters you love and hate in the ring. There’s more than just black and white; there is gray, several shades of it, about fifty to be exact. That’s where CM Punk is. That’s actually where a LOT of wrestlers are, but people don’t like to think. There’s black and white, but no gray. Gray SUCKS! So people just think, “Oh, he hit the Rock so he’s a heel!” Shut up, fool, he’s a tweener, between face and heel, adept in both, master of none!
I’m sorry, I got angry because I envisioned your (ADRIAN!) face and just screamed at the computer screen. Let me sum up my feelings on those that feel like CM Punk is a heel with this:
The fine for this little infraction gonna be rollin, rollin, rollin, rollin, rollin…
Next we had our Cash Money performance, and being an ardent hater of anything post-2003 from the Cash Money camp that was NOT Teena Marie let’s just apply the above moving gif to my feelings for the performance. There wasn’t enough dancing Layla but there was enough trying to sing Spanish announcers. That made the overall performance about a C+. It would have been a B-, but like I said: not enough dancing Layla.
Finally, my legion of followers, we come to the main event. Brock Lesnar versus Triple H. I’ll offer this disclaimer now: if you’re a casual fan of pro wrestling/sports entertainment, this match sucked. If you’re a deep thinking pro wrestling/sports entertainment fan, this match was intriguing.
Lesnar: Hey Trips! Jimmie John’s profits are up! This ass-whuppin is on me!
It was like a game of chess, that’s the only way I can describe it. And chess, while interesting, isn’t always something that has your eyes shifting like a game of ping pong. It was like a ballet almost, a psychological struggle between a man with no morals and a man who still thinks he has something to prove after losing a record third time to the Undertaker at Wrestlemania.
Lesnar: Oh yeah, I’m a major cinephile. Check this out! JUDOOOOO CHOP!
No tables were destroyed, no weapons utilized, just some retrospectively brutal attacks by both combatants. Looking at what this match is truly here to symbolize, you have to wonder if this is all part of the long road (or an extended storyline) leading to the end of Triple H’s in-ring work. He’s been around for a while, staked his claim, and now he’s been emasculated and defeated, both as an athlete (Lesnar’s repeatedly beat him senseless) and professionally (Lesnar didn’t get his way, but he left the scars). Is it time to see the end of Triple H, the wrestler?
Lesnar: I love John Briley too! CRY FREEDOM!
Maybe. I have a scenario in mind actually that would be a perfect way for Triple H to leave the ring, but it would need to happen at Wrestlemania. In any case, it was a gentleman’s match, not full of spotfest excitement or bloody indulgence but true, technical, specified brutality. Watching from both a casual and deep thinking pro wrestling/sports entertainment state of mind, I was equally bored/angered and amazed/melancholy, because with the abundance of shadows I’ve spoken of earlier, who exactly is the shadow for Triple H? Stone Cold’s legacy is in the spirit of CM Punk right now. Hogan’s is in Cena. Rey Mysterio’s is in Sin Cara. Jericho’s is in Ziggler, maybe even a few others. Could perhaps Sheamus…
Well, it was a deep match, with Triple H tapping out to Lesnar. He left the ring like a king who had finally taken too many wounds. Classy. Very cool, very classy.
That sums up the PPV for me. Because I’m in the weird habit of paying for these and essentially hosting little private parties for them now, I hold the PPVs, especially the big four, in a higher regard now, and I can say that Summerslam didn’t disappoint. The crowd wasn’t as enthused at all times as they could have been, and the main event is going to be a polarizing thing for many, but by and by I liked it, money well spent, a nice compliment to my many, many beers.
The DiZ gives this PPV a B for a grade. That’s about all I have to say today. You stay classy, San Diego. I’m Ron Burgandy…?
The Return of Quinn Pt. 11 (TNA)
OK…Brace Yourself. Innocent ears be warned…Mr. Quinn Gammon is allowed to verbally express his thoughts and feelings on TNA current events.
The Return of Quinn 2012-08-06 Pt. 11 (TNA)
Disclaimer…if you are a TNA fan, this might hurt a little…
The Return of Quinn 2012-08-06 Pt. 11 (TNA Atmosphere)
This is the final installment of this series. Be on the lookout for more from both Mr. Quinn Gammon and I.
We hope you have enjoyed this journey, and we hope it will bring you back for more. Just like WWE 3-hour RAW, we are just getting started, so it will take time to improve so be patient.
The Return of Quinn Pt. 10 (WWE)
We take a look at the WWE Diva’s Division, and what are some issues and interferences with what has kept them from prominence.
The Return of Quinn 2012-08-06 Pt. 10 (WWE)
And this is the final statement on the WWE overall atmosphere.
The Return of Quinn Pt. 9
The TNA X-Division is the new topic of discussion. What’s right, and what’s wrong with it all?
The Return of Quinn Pt. 8
The challenge of keeping opinions to ourselves becomes more difficult as we move on to Hard(core) Justice and Austin Aries as TNA Champion.
The Return of Quinn Pt. 7
OK….We take a turn for the worst to TNA. The Bound For Glory Series is the topic, and Mr. Quinn Gammon is ready to crunch some numbers.
The Return of Quinn Pt. 3
In this episode, we talk about Chris Jericho and his involvement with the up-and-coming Dolph Ziggler.
The Return of Quinn 2012-08-06 Pt. 3
More is on it’s way!
The Return of Quinn Pt. 2
We continue with the interview with Mr. Quinn Gammon by talking about CM Punk and his character shift.
The Return of Quinn 2012-08-06 Pt. 2
More to come soon!
The Return of Quinn
After a lengthy hiatus, Mr. Quinn Gammon is breaking his silence and is giving his thoughts on the current world of Professional Wrestling, with special emphasis on the WWE & TNA. This will be the first of a series of topics that will be posted for the days to come. So sit back and enjoy.
The Return of Quinn 2012-08-06 Pt. 1
Feel free to comment with your thoughts.
So Wait…Money In The Bank Wasn’t It?!?
I decided to take a page from Da Infamous DiZ’s book, and do an audio post. I hope you like it. It might be amateur at best, but I just wanted to make some points. (Believe me, this is harder than it seems!)
Let me know what you think.
Da Infamous DiZ speaks on Money in the Bank 2012
Well color me surprised. Did someone in Creative listen to my completely non-ranty Me Talking About Wrestling or something? After a long few weeks of pro wrestling disenchantment, the WWE drops this PPV on me. On a scale of one to ten, I would give it a score, but since I’m not big on giving out numerical scores – I find them juvenile, benign, void of anything germane and just plain tacky – I’m going to go the route less traveled and go in a match by match fashion and talk about what I liked and do not like, save for the pre-show match that I missed because of a certain gentleman named Adrian…
Our first match was the first Money in the Bank match, an eight-man romp between Damien Sandow, Tyson Kidd, Dolph Ziggler, Santino Marella, Tensai (which I now know means “genius” in Japanese), Cody Rhodes, Christian and Sin Cara. The honest to God truth is that I didn’t expect this match to be too exciting. I wasn’t quite wrong. It was the standard crowded ladder match action, with the high-risk/high-reward mentalities being best exemplified by Tyson Kidd and Sin Cara. I don’t know, nothing about this match really captured my interest outside of the fact that Tyson Kidd has a semblance of purpose again.
Dolph Ziggler’s victory struck me as the only logical choice, and honestly I’m glad to see that he won. By that logic, however, I didn’t find this match to be boring so much as predictable. I developed that thought process very early on in the PPV and I felt like I was already completely validated.
Then Sheamus and Albert Del Rio took to the ring. Call me a dick (please, it feeds my ego) but I still don’t see the appeal behind the World Heavyweight Title right now so much as a less significant WWE title for the have-nots. Better yet, it’s the Number Two headband. Ever watch Afro Samurai? The plot device was the headbands, these pieces of cloth that signified the immortality (metaphorical) of someone. By the time the story is told, there are only two of them, kind of like a ranking system. Number One is god-like, and the only one that can touch him is Number Two, sort of like a number one contender; gee, I wonder what happened to THAT system?!!
In any case, having that World Heavyweight Title seems insignificant. It’s just shiny metal around a man’s waist. That being said, Sheamus is a Number One kind of guy with a Number Two belt. That’s saying something when the “number two” belts belong to others, but I’ve long since lost the clarity of this metaphor. Alberto Del Rio is still being pushed as this great heel but honestly I find him boring outside of the ring. In the ring he’s impressive enough but otherwise I’m dulled by his entrance and personality. Sheamus brings entertainment. In the ring, these two put on a good match. A predictable match. It was actually SO predictable that I was amazed by how predictable it was. That’s not the insult that it sounds like: I was so predicting the end of the match that I didn’t realize until after the match that it was super predictable. That’s so predictable that your predictions are wrong because you predicted what was so predictable that you figured they’d never do it.
And they did.
I did expect Ziggler to come out and try to cash in his briefcase though. Failed in the same way Daniel Bryan did. No surprise there. Why don’t we do it Hardcore Championship style? You kidnap a referee, sneak into the champ’s house at midnight, scribble on his walls, urinate in his fridge, do something borderline illegal with his barely legal daughter and finally beat him senseless with the briefcase while he’s trying to sleep and take it home. Come on, it’s elementary.
Decent match though.
Our third match was between the Primetime Players, with A.W., and Primo and Epico, with Rosa. I was excited for this match, but apparently the crowd was not. Seriously, you could hear a pindrop. To make it worse, these are some of the more talented people on the roster, and they put on a good match. So the question remains: why were the people not enthused. I have a theory: RACISM!
Yes, I’m playing the race card! Why is it always black-on-brown competition?! Maybe we should see some unity for a change! Kum ba yah, dammit! With that being said, nothing was more entertaining than Abraham Washington’s minor physical touches and unabashedly racially insensitive adlibs. The crowd was ice cold, but the only times they were really enthused were when Primo jumped around and A.W. implied that the opposition were Mexican. Was it wrong? Yes. Did I laugh? Hell yes. Do I want to see more A.W.? Do you even need to ask?
Our centerpiece of the PPV (in more ways than one) was the latest conflict between CM Punk and Daniel Bryan. With the WWE Championship on the line and AJ playing the role of referee, I expected lunacy and violence. I was given lunacy and violence. And to make it even better, it was kind of sexy lunacy and violence. Say what you will about AJ (I know I do) but she made that rivalry between those titans of wrestling deeper, and her little touches throughout the match made the action better. I especially like how she put a chair right in the middle of them and waited to see what would happen. BRILLIANT!
This match was also arguably the best match of the evening, and a fine way to ensure that John Cena couldn’t cash in that evening. Oops, I spoiled the winner for the last match. But let’s be honest: who expected otherwise? Not me, but maybe you did. For that, you’re an idiot.
Match number five featured the pair of Curt Hawkins and Tyler Reks (yay, they’re relevant!) versus New Goldberg Ryback. While this was an expected match, I do have one complaint. While Tyler Reks put on a solid solo display against the previously thought invincible Ryback, this match made Ryback look too human. The curve from monster to superhuman was too steep. He stumbled too much for my tastes. Ryback won the match, but blah.
Match six: Divas tag! Meh. I was most surprised that the crowd was more into this match than the tag team match between the darkies and the Puerto Ricans. Significantly more enthused. Me personally, I was impressed by the relative fluidity of the match. The superkick from Tamina followed by the neckbreaker from Layla was smooth. I was a bit confused by that sister complex shown between Natalya and Beth Phoenix though.
Odd.
And not “Ooh, lesbians!” odd but “Did I miss something…?” odd. Hmm.
The last match was the WWE Championship Money in the Bank match, and the fifth participant (four was a weird number but five is weirder) was the returning Miz, back from shooting the movie Randy Orton was first in line to shoot. Go through my previous posts if you’re confused as to why Orton was dropped from the project. Here were the things I expected:
- John Cena winning
- Big Show never getting up a ladder
- Jericho and Cena being the big two
- Kane being the most irrelevant
- The Spanish announce table finally being destroyed
So let me address this from the bottom up. Part five: anytime you introduce the Spanish announce table, it gets destroyed. I know the WWE is a patriotic company and all but come on, can we have a LITTLE respect for Mexico? The Spanish announce table gets no respect and the face Mexicans always have concealed faces. Not to mention the racially insensitive remarks about anyone from south of the border. Why y’all do this?
Part four: well, not really. To my surprise the action was pretty evenly divided between the five Superstars. Kane did, in retrospect, seem to have the most irrelevant position in the match, even more so than the Big Show who did just essentially take a long nap. Really, look at him, he was taking a nap under all those ladders.
Part three: nah. In fact I should have known better. The last two were Cena and Big Show. Does that match up with the idea of their feud/rivalry reaching an end? I would say yes if they cared anymore. Big Show’s character is a rehired monster with a “fat bonus”. Honestly he has no business BEING in matches. He’s already a Grand Slam champ, only man to have held the WWE, WCW and ECW championships, what exactly does he have to wrestle for when his character is all these things? Nothing! At all!
Part two: color me even MORE surprised. Surely none of the standard ladders would support him, so conveniently enough he pulled out the mother of all ladders in an exhausting (to do and to watch) sequence that even had him winded. By all accounts Big Show should have stayed under that bed of regular ladders. It was fun to watch, even if the Spanish announce table had to die for it.
Part one: of course Cena won. Cena always wins. Didn’t expect the briefcase handle to break. Still not too sure whether or not that was supposed to happen; it seemed a little out of place. Hell, even Cena and Show looked confused as hell when it happened, even if only briefly.
So by and large, a predictable and expected PPV, but it was still surprisingly entertaining. I hope I’m not just saying that because I had a friend over who watched it with me. That’s significant, not just because I haven’t seen my brother in months, but because he’s an ardent non-wrestling fan (lost interest after Stone Cold because McMahon’s pal) and he wasn’t just entertained, but started providing commentary halfway through just as prudently as any IWC smark out there! My opinion only means so much (and so much means it overshadows all lesser opinions (and by lesser opinions, I mean all of yours (even yours, Coulter!))) but when a PPV compels a non-wrestling fan to sit down, in his Sunday finest, for nearly three hours to the point he’s standing up in anticipation at the last match, they’ve done SOMETHING right. Right?
Da Infamous DiZ is known for his WWE affiliations in three capacities. One: if there’s a PPV in the city he’s in, he’s going. Two: he buys Wrestlemania. Three: he buys at least one other PPV to watch on TV. Money in the Bank 2012 was that third, and I can say I was pleased with the purchase.
Blee.
Ramblings of a Wrestling Fan – TNA Is Better Than WWE
Hello, hello. Greetings fellow wrestling lovers. It’s been a while since my last post, but that’s mainly because I grew tired of complaining about things that will never change and decided to have a more open mind about the state of Sport’s Entertainment today. I mean, come on. Does Vincent Kennedy McMahon really give a damn what we think? He’s probably sleeping on a bed made out of all the money he makes each day which is, in all likelihood, more than any of us will ever make in this lifetime. So why should he care what we think? However, that does not mean I can’t resort to my trusty laptop and my fellow L.E.W.D chaps when I feel like whining about something or another.
I don’t know if any of you noticed it lately, but there seems to have been some dramatic shift in wrestling within the big two. I don’t mean some mass exchange of talent either. I’m talking about the quality of their programming. I never thought I’d say this, but I cannot stress enough how much better TNA Impact Wrestling programming is over WWE’s current programming of Raw and Smackdown. I cannot speak for Smackdown much because I rarely watch it. I might catch it once a month if that because I have a small life outside of wrestling. Either way, TNA “seems” to be on the right track in its own weird way while WWE is making me feel like I’m wasting hours of my life each week.
I’ll start with Monday Night Raw, the flagship of WWE programming. Honestly, who actually–as of right now–think three hours of Raw is a very good idea? If you’re looking forward to three hours of a snoozefest then either you’re being completely optimistic or you’re insane. Most L.E.W.D readers, with the exception of the few TNApologists we get, are often optimistic so we’ll go with that. And I hear your optimism. I have heard many arguments as to why three hours of Raw is a good idea.
For instance, some people are hoping the first hour of Raw is dedicated to FCW/NXT hopefuls that want to main event someday. That’s actually a good idea, but I don’t exactly see that happening. I feel like it will be the same “business as usual” attitude with Cena closing the show each week. No Way Out gave us jumbled up tag team match and the end result was a future title match featuring Young and O’Neil versus Kingston and Truth. I guess I could get behind the idea of this fresh new tag team, but WWE’s track record with tag teams as of late hasn’t led me to believe they are ready to get behind the tag team division full force. If that were the case, the Hart Dynasty would have never been “screwed”, The Usos may have had a strong push for the belts and Epico and Primo never would have lost the belts to begin with to two main event level superstars who were thrown together as a tag team. Why not use the tag teams you already have and let main event stars main event?
In the case of Jerishow, they had a purpose which was, and I am assuming here, to revamp the tag team division and it worked for a while, but like most everything in WWE these days, it fizzled out somewhere down the line. I will say though, that the hope–possibly false, but hope nontheless–lies in the fact that WWE currently has more tag teams these days. At No Way Out we saw the Usos, Justin Gabriel and Tyson Kidd, Epico/Primo and Young, O’Neil. There’s also Curt Hawkins and Tyler Reks which I think they don’t often get the credit they deserve, but as you can see, there’s clearly some kind of tag team division forming. Does this mean we’ll get to see the tag titles defended on a regular basis rather than just as a random filler for pay per views? Well, during three hours of Raw there’s certainly plenty of time for decent tag team action.
Cyndi: Better smile kiddo. By 2012, all of your accomplishments will be buried by no talent eye candy they call Divas. Just enjoy the moment…
From tag team action, we move right along to women’s wrestling which is actually what finally pushed me into sorting my thoughts. On last night’s Raw, we saw an appearance by none other than WWE Hall of Famer Wendi Richter along with Roddy Piper and Cyndi Lauper, her former manager. The crowd was absolutely dead for this segment. In fact, I don’t think I’ve seen such a dead crowd since Nascar drivers attempted to guest host Raw. It was that bad. Some feel like Heath Slater saved that segment, but to be honest, I don’t think anything except Sweet Chin Music could have saved it. Shawn should have been teleported from his couch and sent in to superkick everyone in the ring, including the writers who thought this segment was a great idea.
Now don’t get me wrong. I am a huge fan of all those legends (including Lauper) who were in the ring, but the segment was just cringe worthy. Not only that, but it made me feel sorry for the ladies due to the fact that nobody seemed to care. The crowd popped BIG time for Vader, another person whom we haven’t seen on WWE programming in years and yet when Wendi Richter, another legend, makes her way to the ring there’s no pop. There’s nothing and it makes me think about how WWE has ruined everyone’s perception of women’s wrestling. In a nutshell–the Divas get no love, not even the ones who paved the way.
Layla and Beth Phoenix did a fantastic job during their match at No Way Out. I say fantastic by WWE’s standards because any smart “wrestling” fan knows that those women weren’t exactly tearing it up like Marti Belle or LuFisto. (Yeah I know who they are. I might not watch them often, but I do know them.) But for a WWE women’s wrestling match, it ranked up there with Michelle McCool and Layla’s match before McCool retired. I was entertained, people discovered Layla actually has moves, and they (Layla/Beth) got a great deal of time to tell a story which is what helps wrestling fans get into the match. When there’s no kind of story going on, it makes it hard–at least for me–to invest in that person. When I started watching wrestling, women were actually allowed storylines. They worked the mic–quite often–and even had decent length matches. Of course, they weren’t always five and ten minutes, but if there’s a good story going on, there is no need for a ten minute match each week. Segments are used to keep people interested and invested in that character so it all works out.
These days though, it is very hard. AJ Lee, who is currently the only interesting Diva in WWE programming right now, doesn’t get the mic very often. However, she IS involved in a major storyline and people are beginning to like her. Rose Mendez is a “manager” for Epico and Primo, but no one cares because she never speaks for them often. She doesn’t do the things women like Sherri Martel used to do. Only Vikki Guerrero is playing the part of the classic female manager. She doesn’t wrestle often, but you can bet her Dolph Ziggler is gaining a following. Not only that, but she gets a reaction. I just think it’s sad that the women are only seen as a bathroom break and that a legend like Wendi Richter got absolutely no love from the crowd. I would say, “Shame on you WWE fans”, but if WWE cared more about their women, so would the people who watch their programming.
From WWE’s hatred of women, we now turn to the main event scene. Punk and Bryan have been tearing up as of late. I’m sure it may not compare to their old Ring of Honor stuff, but by WWE standards it’s been great stuff. Even Sheamus has been kicking a whole lot of ass lately and yet that isn’t enough to make two hours of Raw and a three hour WWE pay per view exciting. In the case of No Way Out, I do not think it was a bad show. The match between Sheamus and Dolph Ziggler was very entertaining and had many wanting more. It was a great way to set the tone for the show and yet, as usual, WWE finds a way to ruin such momentum.
Cody and Christian’s match was sorta just there. It only got good near the end. It’s not Christian’s fault, but I don’t feel like Cody’s there yet. The crowd did not seem so hot for that match. The Santino match absolutely killed the pay per view. The crowd obviously, did not appreciate it for they shouted “boring” very loudly. I’m sure that gets edited out for the DVD copy, but that match had no business on the pay per view. Some folks complained about Ryback, but honestly, he didn’t kill the momentum–the Suits match did. The triple threat match was great and should have closed a sour show, but the Cena match closed it. While some people hated that, the crowd certainly popped for Cena so your opinions of Cena closing a show are irrelevant.
But despite No Way Out being watchable, TNA’s Slammiversary kicked No Way Out’s ass six ways from Sunday. Hear that TNA fans? I am openly admitting the fact that I enjoyed a TNA pay per view more than a WWE one and I’ll do you one better. TNA programming, as of late, is BETTER than WWE’s. Yes folks. We’re finally reaching the point of my ramblings. WWE programming seems to drag on and on from one show to the next in the span of two hours. By the time 11pm hits, I’m already half way asleep only having forced myself to stay awake long enough to see John Cena. If WWE is putting me to sleep in two hours, I have no doubt by 10pm, I will not be able to stand much more of it.
I am not, by any means, saying WWE sucks. That isn’t true. It doesn’t suck completely, but it’s mundane, mediocre and predictable. It’s the same old routine. You get your opening 10 to 20 minute promo, followed by a match that will have at least one commercial break, pointless backstage segments with random Zack Ryder, another match, a Diva sighting, a Punk or Bryan match to save the show and then Cena to close it out. Even the damn matches are routine. Its like each match is paced slow and methodically that I often find myself zoning in and out–even during the good ones–because there’s no quick action. No, I’m not saying each match needs that Rey Mysterio pace, but at least in TNA, we get a variety. The matches are not all the same. Not all of them are fast paced, but they don’t seem to drag either. You might get an Aries/Xion match to start things off followed by something a little less quick such as Abyss and someone else. Then you might get a Knockouts match which isn’t at all like a Divas match.
To be fair, I was concerned at one point, but after last week, it looks like things are shaping up again for the ladies of TNA. My point is that TNA has learned (or so it appears) that in a two hour live show, one must keep the audience’s attention and you can only do so much in two hours. Last week there was way more ring action than segments. WWE–that’s another problem. They tend to talk entirely too much during a broadcast and that’s going to keep me from watching, especially when its the same old people holding a mic each week.
I urge all of you to give TNA a chance. They’ve put on two great shows and a great pay per view, but don’t get the ratings to show for it. I actually QUIT watching TNA for months. I think I quit right around November of last year and only just recently got back into it. Even if you’ve never watched TNA, I guarantee you’ll recognize old WWE superstars. That is how I got into the show to begin with. I saw people that I recognized and decided to give it a shot. No, TNA isn’t perfect and God I despise Hogan.
However, I won’t quit watching while they’re trying. If everyone who’s always tooted their nose up at TNA gave it a shot, I think you all would be pleasantly surprised. In fact, you can watch full episodes of TNA on YouTube and looky here. I did you the favor of looking up last week’s show so you can enjoy it. Watch with an open mind and prepared to see wrestling and not that methodical, slow, boring, predictable stuff you see every Monday Night. When TNA actually does something right, they deserve to be watched. With WWE’s epic permanent move to three hours, it’s hard to see a bright future when they’re only advertising returning legends rather than the new generation while current shows are boring everyone to death. Dixie Carter, keep up the good work and with that, I’m finally shutting the heck up,
–T
Interesting notes on TNA
As we approach TNA’s 10 Year Anniversary Survival – Slammiversary, I wanted to bring up a few interesting tidbits to take note of.
The Introduction of the TNA Hall of Shame Fame
A couple of weeks ago, it was announced that TNA would be inducting the first member of it’s “Hall of Fame”, at this evening’s “Slammiversary” PPV.
Also, it’s been widely discussed that, former TNA World Champion and current WWE Intercontinental Champion, Christian would be in attendance for the event (as part of a talent exchange for WWE featuring Ric Flair in their 2012 Hall of Fame, via the Four Horsemen).
What I haven’t seen is what I feel like is the most obvious connection between the two – Christian will be the first inductee into the TNA Hall of Fame.
“Christian Cage” as TNA World Champion
If you notice… they had a prolonged shot of him as the final clip to roll while mentioning the TNA Hall of Fame, and when you real think about it – Christian is the most prominent, mainstream TNA Superstar. Also, the only Superstar I can remember ever going from TNA to WWE (I guess Booker T. counts…sort of).
Do I think Christian is the person who has done the most to make TNA the brand it is, today? No. Do I think Christian is the best name they could use to introduce the Hall of Fame? Absolutely. Anyone else who would be a viable option would be someone from the inside (Hogan, AJ Styles, etc…) that just wouldn’t bode well at this stage. Christian is the closest thing TNA has to a “retired” star, yet is unexpected enough to be a shocker when he shows up on the PPV.
TNA Running Live Events on Thursday Nights (BESIDES iMPACT!)
In what is only a continued testament to the phenomenal business acumen shown by Ms. Carter and the powers above – TNA is continuing to run live events on Thursday night, despite moving iMPACT! to a live broadcast on Thursday nights.
This Thursday, TNA is scheduled to run a live event in Belton, TX. Yes a live event, AT THE SAME TIME their product will be on national tv. Some of the scheduled matches are:
Garrett Bischoff vs. Gunner, Chris Sabin vs. Kid Kash, Douglas Williams vs. Rob Terry, Matt Morgan vs. Crimson and Knockouts tag match featuring Tara, Mickie James and Velvet Sky vs. Angelina Love, Winter, Sarita and Rosita. Robbie E. is also advertised to appear.
One can only shake their head at this matter – can you imagine John Cena and CM Punk floating around in Pawtucket, NJ while RAW is airing live in California? While these certainly aren’t ALL of the major players on iMPACT!, there presence will still be noticeably absent. It’s these sorts of decisions that will ultimately ground TNA.
I don’t think this is a long-term thing, but simply a matter of contracts and obligations that are still in place from before the seemingly overnight decision to begin running iMPACT! live.
The decision was made so quickly to shift the pre-taped Thursday night broadcasts to a live show that the usual production trucks weren’t even available and their normal crew (including cameramen) were not available, and what does TNA do? Throw caution to the wind, and run a live broadcast with complete unusual equipment, and crew.
Here’s to the next ten years! Cheers….
Me Talking About Wrestling: iMPACT 6/7/2012
Yes, I am the inescapable, the irresistible, the unnegotiable, the unchallenged (who dat?!)
– Yasiin Bey (formerly Mos Def); Hurricane
What up, everybody? It’s your boy DiZ, the Infamous One, aka Black Batman, aka Young Jon Lovitz Jr., aka H.R. Paperstacks, aka Ring King King, aka the Hand of Poseidon Almighty, aka D. Khushrenada, aka the Regular Immortal, aka Big Baby Hay Seuss, aka the Abstract Slickbacked Sideswipping Hero of Los Enigmas. Yes, even TNA gets the live review treatment, and I’ll even try to forget about that horseshit hall of fame nonsense and remain completely objective throughout.
Coincidentally, I offer this disclaimer: the second it gets too hard to watch this beautiful mess I’m talking about Rockstar Games and how stupid you, yes, YOU (ADRIAN!) are for thinking there will be a new Red Dead and Bully. That being said, let’s wait for the show!
And the wait is over. Previously on iMPACT, marital infidelity (very “Born Again”, TNA) and the pictures and audio clips to prove it (very NOT “McMahon’s family incest”, TNA). Help me, TNA people, what exactly IS going on in the world of TNA right now? I’m having a hard time understanding. Before you get all upset at me (any more, that is) know that I like the action in TNA. It’s the stories and continuity that make me wonder where Carter is getting that potent ganja from.
We’re still recapping and waiting for Dixie to make a statement. I’ll go out on a limb and say she reminds me of the wave of sexy Conservative women as of late; Palin, O’Donnell, uh… Palin. Governor of South Carolina too, she’s quite a looker. Not at all like those terrible games where… oh, Carter is out. Boos abound. Now chanting her name. Go on and cry, woman, you know you want to. You were slobbing down AJ (don’t worry, I wanna slob down an AJ too… the one on the other company, not TNA). I have a thing for crazy chicks too, they’re a blast to be around, with and otherwise.
Admission of truth on deck, then the appearance of Daniels and Kazarian, two athletes with better things to do than this. Where’s Scott Steiner when you need him? He’d add some fun to this with his ethnically challenged humor and questionable headpieces. In any case, I’m trying to determine just why there’s so much sexual innuendo in this company. At least in the WWE it was – or is – blatant. Having the woman in the corner on her ass, hounded by two dudes and begging, that’s all sorts of messed up. My psyche is screwed.
Ah, and AJ has just been clocked. I guess Carter’s husband is more mad at him than Dixie. Again, confused. Didn’t we get enough infidelity with the Angles and Jarrett? Hell, that was real. This is for entertainment purposes. But I’m not entertained. To quote Bender:
Of course when I say “we” I mean “me” and my various alter egos, especially the Regular Immortal, his face is priceless right now. Bottom lip all poked out, eyes squinty, afro dirty and loose. I don’t know where that crown he wears is but it’s somewhere lost in his hair. He should have moved by now; there’s pizza, Pepsi and… sorry, I got off topic. Not quite fifteen minutes into the show (technicality) and nothing of interest has happened outside of AJ getting punched and Dixie in what looked like a sexual assault situation. Blame the televisions that raised me for that point of view but hell, if you heard the sound of a zipper you would have nodded and said the same.
The show is back on, and we’re recapping. Since we started the show off with a recap I see this as wholly unnecessary, but at least we get to see Serge. Serge? Word? Like Beverly Hills Cop Serge? Serge Carter?
Whatever. Christie Hemme calls in the combatants for the first match with her sexy self, first “The Undefeated” Crimson (wasn’t Samoa Joe undefeated at one point too? Whatever happened to that…) and then the X Division Champion, Austin Aries. First impressions: a resounding “Hmm…” Austin Aries is one of this company’s best talents, and putting the scrappy underdog against the undefeated monster (and military vet) actually functions as a good move.
I’ve never really noticed before today, but Crimson has an interesting build for a big guy. He’s lanky, kind of like Spike Spiegel, but decidedly more rigid. Austin Aries is short and athletic, the kind of wrestler that wins world titles now. Honestly I want Crimson to win, but a hard fought win. At this point that’s exactly what it looks like is going to happen.
Crimson defeats Austin Aries
Samoa Joe comes out, interferes, looks like the poor man’s Bully Ray, and Crimson maintains his winning streak through Joe’s interference. Now a Samoa Joe/Austin Aries rivalry has potential. Crimson, on the other hand, sounds too cocky for his own good. Actually, his undefeated streak leaves much to be desired. Where’s his title belt? I know he was a tag champ once but a sixteen month undefeated streak warrants SOME title around his waist. That’s a waste of talent otherwise: he’s a king without a crown, and as far as I know he isn’t a Jewish emcee (bonus points to anyone who gets that reference).
I don’t know: Crimson is good, I like Crimson, but I don’t see what his purpose is right now outside of being a big, lanky war vet. That reminds me: where did Amazing Red go? He still in TNA? As unforgettable as a lot of their stuff is I would never know. Sorry, the urge to bash is hard to get over, I’ll be good now… so long as there’s no gratuitous display of mammary glands or female’s rear ends on my screen by the time the commercial go of… ah. Never mind.
Back to the show, Hogan (Brooke, not the good one) is talking to the Knockouts, those in the four-way (no joke… NO JOKE!) match later. Plenty of mammary glands and female rear ends… if I didn’t lust after Mickie James so much (it’s a Virginia thing; country cousins) I would find this to be a bit misogynistic.
No, VERY misogynistic…
No, a bit.
Hogan (Hulk, not the hooker-ish one) comes out, to tremendous love, applause and cheering. Curiosity has me right now. What does our GM want? When he gets to the ring finally I’m sure he’ll let us know. Any second now.
Any second…
Any second… half an hour in we’ve only had one match…
WAIT! This is the ten year anniversary for iMPACT Wrestling? Oh my God… who, the hell, cares? All I’m taking from this right now is that the World Title will be defended next Thursday. Would that, I venture to wonder, cheapen the World Title match come Sunday at the PPV? I argue that that match was cheapened the second Sting was declared the new number one contender. Whatever happened to that recount chant? And why is Roode saying this is Hogan’s company? I don’t care if he IS the longest reigning World champion in TNA history, I say “WHO THE HELL CARES?!” again.
Look, pro wrestling is story and action combined into one finely tuned two or three hour program. There’s too much story right now; this is coming from a man who tells stories for a living. Bobby Roode wants respect. Check. Sting defends Hogan. Check. Sting is kind of superhuman now for some reason or the other. Check. Why are we more than half an hour in and there has only been ONE MATCH?!
Oh, T and A. Lovely. Commercials! I’ll be back; I’m going to get some root beer and a Granny Smith apple.
Apple and root beer on deck, ready for the wrasslin’! Well, first Penn. Hi Penn Jillette. Bye Penn Jillette. Now Christie Hemme introduces the Knockouts once more, sexy voice and all, first is my not-so secret crush Mickie James. Second, Velvet “What the hell are pigeons?!” Sky. Third, Miss Tessmacher. I remember her in the WWE, unlike everyone else. And finally, the incomparable Tara. Always have liked Lisa Varon. Terrific wrestler.
Now before you get too into this match, those of you watching the replay because you were busy living your life instead of watching wrestling on Thursday evening or you were at that Foreign Exchange concert you really wanted to go to but didn’t have the money for) I want to say this: it is a misnomer for you, specifically TNA marks, to say that TNA has a terrific women’s division (I think it’s pretty good myself) and focus more on the T and A than anything else. Go ahead, I’ll make you a bet. You watch an entire Knockouts match without a single catcall, penis joke or sexual mannerism and I will concede that the division is exceptional. As it stands there are plenty of talented women performing and put on great matches, but at the end of the day they come across as more athletic Divas. Hell, a lot of them ARE athletic Divas, just under a different brand. The Knockout champion Gail Kim, Mickie James, Miss Tessmacher (admittedly, she’s found her vibe in TNA), Tara, and the beat goes on (and the beat goes on (and the beat goes on)).
The match has an obvious focus on the one-on-one between Mickie James and whoever else is in the ring with her. Gail Kim is on commentary, a Knockout champion in the same vein as the reign of Bobby Roode, and it helps because honestly not every woman in this match is fun to watch. Mickie James, no question. Tara, yes indeed.
Okay, I’ll say it: why is Velvet Sky here…?
That’s all I’m saying about that. This match, to my surprise, hasn’t been too bad. It’s just been that the actual action has been carried by the two who, ironically enough, made their names elsewhere. I won’t comment on where that elsewhere is. While this match has been longer than the previous one, it had to be on the basis of the number of competitors (fishing for rationale here, folks). And now it’s over. Yep…
Miss Tessmacher defeats Mickie James, Tara and Velvet Sky
Promo segment backstage with Bully Ray. Pointless. Immediately we go into Matt Morgan’s accidentally funny Direct Auto Insurance commercial. Seeing a big guy try to act in that capacity is hilarious, in the same way Tommy Wiseau trying to do anything cinematically related is hilariously disappointing. Be back when the commercials go off again. Maybe hour two will have more excitement.
Hey, random tidbit: Tara’s theme in the WWE, back when she was Victoria, featured Nicki Minaj. Who knew?
So as we start the second hour of the live program we recap the beginning of the show, again. There’s a lot to be said of motif, but this is just pointless. We go backstage to Hogan, on his phone, talking to AJ Styles. Hogan was mad. And next, on The Young and the Restless, we have a contract signing, okay, what the flying fuck? The only joy I’ve gained so far, with the introduction of this “unbelievable” match, was someone in the audience screaming “WHAT?!” as our extra regular ass friend with the stuck-in-the-second-grade face described the first entrant to the ring: Bully Ray.
Credit where it’s due: Bully Ray is awesome. He’s a true heel, managed to successfully piss off dude in the dark yellow Polo shirt we keep cutting to, and actually does keep you entertained both in and out the ring. Now we bring out Penn Jillette again.
Hmm? Oh, that’s not Penn Jillette? Well who the hell is it?
An attorney, you say? Abyss in a suit and tie?
Jokes aside, I know what this story is but I’m only interested because I want to see Bully Ray and Abyss beat each other senseless. Everything else about it lacks sensibility.
You know, an hour ten into this program my head is still spinning from the fact that there have only been two matches. Don’t get it twisted, I would gladly get on ANY show about this, but if I wasn’t so confident of the violence that would ensue from this contract signing I would turn the channel and talk about the Red Dead and Bully franchises.
Oh, for the love of the god and gods you don’t believe in, Penn Jillette, sign the goddamn contract! THANK YOU!
Neat, it’s our old friend Abyss.
And it’s deathly quiet… THAT is power. If I say NOTHING else positive about TNA, the way it got COMPLETELY quiet just now is just magical. Touché. Touché, TNA. Fuck the fact that Bully Ray just beat up the master of prestidigitation, that was a magical moment!
We should have ended the show on that note. We have two matches left, I reckon, maybe three, but we should have ended the show on THAT note. Period. No more matches, no more promos, nothing else. THAT is how you make an impact, iMPACT. TAKE NOTES! You see what I’m doing? I’m praising you. I know this is a rare thing, you’re unfamiliar with the action, but it’s possible! Please, don’t do ANYTHING to fuck up this high that you’ve achieved.
And with the announcement of the Hall of Fame the high is dying. It’s worth noting that everyone of significance in that commercial was either from the WWE or is now, save for AJ Styles.
For the sake of you, reader, I’m going to spare you my feelings on the Gut Check thing. It makes sense but it’s poorly executed. Don’t blur the gimmicks and the realities unless you can do it properly.
Back to the action. Christie Hemme and that sexy frame of hers introduce the challenger, Robbie E, accompanied by Robbie T. Or do I have it backwards? These Jersey jerks always confuse me anyway. But who comes out next, accompanied by Young Bitch-Off himself, but the TV Champion (how many name changes has this title had?) Devon. The prize: the TV Championship. Remember how I said I wouldn’t question the racial elements behind Big Show beating up all the black people last RAW? Well I won’t question the racial elements of Devon being the only champion to have to continue defending his championship each Thursday. Not at all.
Goofy gimmick aside, Robbie E (or T) is putting up a convincing battle against the veteran Devon. It’s a common theme throughout this program, youthful indiscretion versus veteran experience, but it ended exactly how I figured it would: Devon wins. Or, officially:
Devon defeats Robbie E (or T)
The ensuing brawl was odd. Madison Rayne’s name being used was odd too. This wasn’t a filler match so much as a necessary evil because they didn’t want to call it filler. Yeah, I said it. Commercials again, and I’m bored. You know the latest rumor is that Rockstar Games is going to do sequels to Red Dead Redemption and Bully. I’m a big fan of both but neither seems feasible, the former due to chronology, the latter due to sociology. See, John Marston’s long road to redemption, fully equipped with horses and the musical stylings of Jose Gonzalez, took place in the early 1900s. The old west was already dying at the time; where would you take Jack Marston? The next logical step would be to venture into the Roarin’ Twenties era but that’s slowly creeping into L.A. Noire territory, even though that game took place in the late 1940s.
Alternatively you have Bully. We have kids hoping off of bridges to escape bullying right now, do we really want Rockstar to deal with that kind of heat? I’m just thinking out loud.
As we come back to commercials we have yet another recap, this time between the champion Roode and the challenger Sting. I already hate the match so I won’t talk about this anymore. Hogan (the good one, not the one with breasts) is back in the ring, to make the announcement none of us heard he was to make earlier, and now Mr. Kennedy, I mean Anderson, has come out. Why, I don’t know. He’s an asshole anyway; the microphone thing was cool at first but years later its novelty.
Also: someone screamed “Kennedy” earlier. I laughed. It was amusing.
What the hell, is Kennedy, I mean Anderson, supposed to be the Cena in this company? He even sounds like him. And kind of looks like him. I remember when bin Laden was declared dead, it was Anderson who did TNA’s announcement of it. Difference is Cena is fu… no, Cena isn’t funny. Anderson isn’t either.
Now RVD is in the ring. Now Jeff Hardy is being called to the ring. For shits and giggles, guess what the three wrestlers have in common. That’s right: they’re all on the bong! They ain’t smoking that ganja Dixie Carter must have but look at Jeff’s face and tell me it isn’t as potent.
To be perfectly honest I don’t like the concept of Jeff Hardy getting a world title match. He’s overrated to me, a man who knows how to fall with style. And with… Hogan, you okay? You sound very hoarse. Is that his real voice? He sounds like he’s straining. Someone give that man some water, he didn’t just drop that mic for effect, he’s screaming too much…
So a three-way (I’d make a gay joke, but we need to Eliminate the Hate) between Anderson, Van Dam and Jeff Hardy is set for the PPV. Winner goes against the winner of the Roode/Sting match, on Thursday. Does any of this make sense to you?
Really, it does? Then help me, because I’m the guy that’s managed to decipher some of the most complicated stories in Xenosaga, and this has me sucking my thumb like a paradoxical conundrum. Oh, where’s Vince Russo when you need him?!
Oh Lord, am I really wishing for the return of Vince Russo? This is not a good sign.
With fifteen minutes left we’re left to enjoy Christie Hemme’s undeniable sex appeal and hypnotic smile and flowing, fiery hair and… sorry, my mind wandered there. What I meant to say is that we’re left to “enjoy” this six-man tag match between Christopher Daniels, Kazarian and the World Heavyweight Champion Bobby Roode against Kurt Angle, AJ Styles and Sting. How did the Nostalgia Critic say it when he was criticizing The Room’s scene… ah, that’s right: “Recycled, retarded, rejected, next scene!”
Seriously, my hopes aren’t high for this match. It’s the equivalent of Super Smash Brothers, just taking your franchise players and throwing them into a match together for the sheer fun of it. This isn’t so much fun though. Kazarian and Daniels were almost immediately put into the Scorpion Death Lock and Ankle Lock, not necessarily respectively, they all look the same when they’re face down on the mat. We can start the where’s AJ chants now but since the main storyline has AJ and Dixie doing the boxspring boogie he’s busy pulling a John Witherspoon right now. You know, there was a woman at the job that had him… he had to reverse it… if you don’t follow Eddie Murphy or Mr. Witherspoon this might be wasted on you but I’m just saying Carter might be hiding something special in them jeans. I wouldn’t even assume this unless TNA was a hotbed for T and A.
The match is back and Daniels has the match in hand, taking on Sting. Again, talented men, Smash Brothers style match. If anything I see this as a chance for Daniels and Kazarian to shine. Sting and Angle are the truest definitions of vets; their role should be to put over younger guys. Daniels, Kazarian, Roode, Styles, they can benefit from their skill.
Three minutes left and Styles has reappeared. Don’t need an explanation (just check the front of his pants for a stain). The match becomes a minor spot fest and Sting beats Roode with the Death Lock.
Sting, Kurt Angle and AJ Styles defeat Bobby Roode, Christopher Daniels and Kazarian
And that, ladies and gentlemen, concludes iMPACT for this day, the seventh of June in 2012. Did I like the episode? You might be surprised to know I’m far from complaining.
Sure, the storylines are more and more nonsensical, and it comes across as entertaining in spite of the intent rather than because of it, but it was surprisingly consistent this evening. Stupidity abounds but it was entertaining stupidity, and much like The Room, that’s all you need to get a decent laugh in every now and then. On a scale of one to five, a three. Good night everybody; see you Monday for RAW (tomorrow I’ll be with family). Blee!
Me Talking About Wrestling: RAW 6/4/2012
Well, well… is that our little author?
–Lupe Fiasco, Shining Down
Welcome back! Controversy and assholes aside (I’m talking to YOU, Adrian!), today we celebrate hitting 10,000 views! WOOO!
Tonight’s Theme: One-Word Exclamations
Okay, now that the pageantry is out of the way, let’s get back to the wrestling. 9:02 PM and we’re talking about the Big Show’s violent display of violence, as well as a subtle sadistic streak. Standard. Not boring but predictable. Cut to the live show and here’s Cole, in the ring, about to put on his best faux-Lance Storm impersonation as he talks about the Big Show and invites John Cena out, blaming him for the Big Show’s actions. Meh, could be worse. Could be better to. At this point watching the WWE product is getting to be a would-be fun game of connect the dots. I could be watching E3 coverage right now; subsequently Adam Sessler is one of my heroes, right up there with Morgan Freeman and the Green Lantern. John Stewart Green Lantern, not Hal Jordan or Alan Scott. You know Alan Scott was just revealed as gay? He’s arguably the most powerful character in Earth 2. That’s interesting. I wonder how many hyper conservative… oh wait, Cole is still talking.
This dull. Promos are an art form and I’m watching it get squandered. Cole accuses Cena of mess, Cena drops some motivational, “Never say die!” lines and this has been done before. I’m bored. Let’s talk about E3 a little bit. Microsoft had the first press conference, and I have to say: I was less than impressed. It was okay but being a first party company they have to appeal to a wider audience with their reliable little black box. Hence: media wonderland. Halo 4was given proper time and even looked a little impressive. Later on we had the Electronic Arts press conference and I can say with total transparency that I cannot STAND Electronic Arts; not the Sports division at least, I… THEY’RE STILL TALKING?! What the hell, it’s 9:09 and it feels like they’ve been going forever! Cole is taking pot shots at Cena but who cares? Yes, Cena’s heart isn’t in it anymore, you hope Big Show beats him up, big deal, big whoop!
Oh boy, here comes Big Johnny… still in his scooter. To his credit, I love how he continually introduces himself with “My name is John Laurinaitis. I am the General Manager of RAW and SmackDown” and I like how he’s still so wooden and deliciously (pause…) evil. Cena can pick his opponent. “Gee,” I say in my sarcastic voice, “who is he going to fight?”
MICHAEL COLE?! Sarcastic gasps all around. Jesus, I really COULD be watching E3 stuff or playing The Witcher. I have to say, that’s quite a game. Difficult as all hell. Wait, Cole is crying. Begging for Johnny to save him but Johnny did kind of just leave him with a metaphorical “piss off” just now. Touche. Johnny Ace maintains his status as one of the few consistently interesting things about the WWE right now.
Commercials. That’s a pause from writing. If you didn’t catch on yet, I write these in real time, hence the swiftness and conversational humor. Sidenote: why did the match up cards have Kane’s on fire? I understand the why mind you but it was so out of place and tacky. I don’t know about you, but tacky is something I don’t do, a result of my affiliations.
Ah, and at 9:19 we’re back, and Johnny Ace is still an ass. Cole is still screwed. Funny, but meh. Meh is to me what “Hah?!” is to Kanye West. Anyway, welcome to the scene, Lady Guerrero. While I eagerly await the RAW or SmackDown debut of her daughter (*drool*…) I can still drool at Vickie’s fine ass as she continues to manager Ziggler as we go into the match between him and World Heavyweight Champion Sheamus.
Like the SmackDown from Friday, I’m impressed by the physical matches that they two are capable of creating; I was certainly pleased as you can tell from the previous one. Ziggler manages to properly support the monicker of “Show Off” as he gets out of situations and around trouble. Sheamus sells his role as a brawler and, possibly, short tempered. I say possibly because Vickie would drive a lot of us to losing our temper; how that would manifest is anyone’s guess (I know how it would manifest with me, HAH?!) but Sheamus’ character is meh.
If I didn’t say it before I will now: I really appreciate the “kid with something to prove” angle they’re playing with for Ziggler; I KNOW I said he’s probably who I want to see in the world title hunt more than anyone right now. It gives his talent a proper backdrop and Sheamus is a perfect challenge for that right now, one hand because he’s big, one another because he’s the champion he’ll likely have to face in the near future (at least I HOPE near future) and he comes across as a little engine that could… can… does… did… meh. Wait, let me Kanye that up: MEH?!
And with a relatively smooth White Noise from Sheamus the match is in the last stages. A deadly foot to the face lays out the scrappy competitor and Vickie screams in disappointment as the Show Off takes another L. Great job, Yung Berg…
Sheamus defeats Dolph Ziggler
On his way out, here come the Mexicans. Del Rio and Rodriguez ambuh the living jar of mayonnaise and the former tries to dismantle the champion’s arm. The crowd boos, Rodriguez stares suspiciously hard at Del Rio’s chest and we have the referees tend to a fallen champion. Yawn worthy, sarcastic “meh” worthy. You know we’ve seen it all before. As we come to commercials again, let’s talk E3 a little more. You know what really looked smooth to me? Splinter Cell. Never been much of a fan of the series but when that game is played as crisply as it was on stage… it’s HAH?! and MEH?! worthy all at the same time. Tom Clancy has to be a very rich man. Besides that, the game doesn’t seem to be falling into this new trap of every game having co-op. I’m not against it but adding multiplayer to games that are traditionally single-player campaigns.
Actually that reminds me of Kane and Lynch. Terrible franchise thus far. Making a movie. Bruce Willis is signed on to play Kane. You won’t believe who is supposed to be playing Lynch. No really, you won’t. Here’s your hint: same guy starring in Django Unleashed, a new Tarantino flick being developed as we speak. Go ahead, true gaming believers, check it out.
Show’s back. Don’t know who Tattoo is over here but Johnny and Otunga are speaking, McMahon is apparently returning to RAW next week to evaluate Laurinaitis’ job performance, Cole is trying to justify his match through it and now we have our buddy Sin Cara coming out, again in red, NOT again with an opponent who is already out.
Oh lookee here, it’s Hunico and the Samoan. Who remembers the Sin Cara v. Sin Cara rivalry from before? I do. I like how well this match can go even more. These two aren’t apparently friends (citation needed) but they’re both excellent competitors. This match is already a thrill to watch, and it goes along with my point of Sin Cara needing opponents that can help his talent show. He does a lot of Hurricaranas for my taste, mind you, but… well, you know my personal Kanye-ism. The faceless one wins again, against his old doppleganger, and despite Lawler’s lie about Sin Cara having many moves (might be very well true but I haven’t seen em) we can say with total honesty:
Sin Cara defeates Hunico
Next match is going to be Ryback again. That means someone is about to be defenestrated through an invisible window and somewhere, in the annals of cyberspace, someone else is planning on making a fake Ryback entrance video with Goldberg’s WCW music and adlibs. I suggest John Williams’ orchestral sound geniuses be interspersed throughout the video and the sound of pyro be replaced with the wilhelm scream.
Back to the show, kind of. Who else is stoked for the 1000th episode of RAW coming up next month?
No one?
Just me?
Yeah, that’s right, I’m excited. Then again, I’m excited for everything. Introducing two skinny sacrifices to the ghost of Goldberg past: a man of alliteration for a name and a straight Jew (check the nose; joking, it’s the name). Ever read The Last Werewolf? Yeah, Ryback’s nameless opponents seem like the people Ryback eats. Another two-on-one match; I can say I miss the backstage segments where people watch these segments in shock and awe. Now the sadist in all of us is just being fed more and more. The double clothesline was fun to watch, as is the march, but I’m slowly starting to get bored by this. I think the point has been made: he’s an unstoppable monster that eats emaciated amateurs. Now he can be developed as an unstoppable monster that eats mid-card jobbers. I see Zack Ryder amongst these unfortunate jerks.
Someone asked me after the last piece what my problem with Zack Ryder is. I was honest; he’s to me what Damian Sandow is to another writer on this great blog. Nothing about Ryder sticks out to me outside of the fact that he’s second fiddle to someone better, usually a champion. John Cena. Santino Marella. We all love Santino and his submarine sandwich antics, but when you’re playing second fiddle to him you KNOW something is up. Nothing but love for the man, mind you, but still…
Nearly 10:00 and we have our first main event (that’s what I call it) with CM Punk and his match with the incomparable (…meh…?) Kane. The funny thing is I think a proper one-on-one between CM Punk and Kane can be very good. Daniel Bryan’s arrival, complete with the patented “YES! YES! YES!” chant pleases me, and if he’s going to be on commentary I’m overjoyed. No? Just taking the microphone and talking shit? Equally good. Question and Answer Time with Daniel Bryan? Yes. About AJ? YES! YES! YES! Let’s add another one-syllable exclamation of being to the fray, shall we? We got “Meh?! from me, “Hah?!” from Yeezy and “Yes!” from Bryan Danielson. Maybe that’s the theme for this piece. It’ll go up there near the top when I’m finished.
Oh, Bryan IS sticking around, commentary questionable. In any case, we must remember that since the last match ended in a DQ, this match is a rematch that “must have a winner”. Now since the last match was a WWE Title match and then this one should have to be as well, right? Wrong. There just must be a winner. Way to keep continuity in check, Creative. I mean, ADRIAN!
Like I said in the paragraph before the last, these two can put on a great match and they’re putting on something worth watching right now, so in the most basic (and let me stress that: BASIC) sense, that makes the show something of a big-budget ROH. The action in ROH is always top notch, high quality, near perfection and all that but the stories and all are… I’ll go with “meh”. “Hah” is too excitable and “Yes!” is a contradiction.
Allow me to say that it is funny to see Kane put a leg scissors on something smaller than him too. On that note we go to commercials. 10:08, I’ll resume writing when the show comes back on. Stay tuned. This is live action writing as its most competent!
10:12. Back. Kane in control and I’m still hyped off of E3, reading on the Sony (another first party developer) highlights on a live blog. Check it, I still don’t know what Kane’s role in the WWE Title hunt is, but I still don’t like it. I’d rather he was just a regular opponent for the Straight Edge competitor. We’re winding down. The tribute to Randy Savage (my personal favorite wrestler ever) lands but the match continues (not familiar in the least; insert sarcastic “hah”) and Daniel Bryan comes in and messes with Punk. Okay, that was “Yes!” worthy. I missed AJ’s appearance but Lord knows I didn’t miss her twice.
Kane turns around, finally someone with the nerve to use the Titantron to their advantage and stalks the woman. Bryan intervenes, adding that perfect dimension of confusing love to the story. And AJ’s suddenly wet panties properly establishes her as being turned on by guys that beat up other guys. There’s a name for that, but I don’t want to reach for the Lita angle, if only because implied rape wouldn’t fly in this PG era of the WWE; circumstantially, neither would a woman falling for a bully. But hey, Be A Star! Oh, sorry, forgot the bold.
Kane defeats CM Punk
This is quite the love triangle/angle/circle/line/dot thing. Bryan is a dick who doesn’t know how to love (*cue awful Lil Wayne track*), Punk is just a guy that digs crazy chicks (hey, we’re all guilty of it…), AJ is a sadomasochist and Kane is the confused junkyard dog who doesn’t know anything outside of eating, fornicating and executing violent acts of viciousness.
Back to the show, crazy AJ is being interviewed by a man who I thought was dead and gone. Scratch that sadomasochist bit, she’s in the same category as Eve: she’s just very aggressive… and still crazy. What’s this? Arousal? Yes, arousal. AJ has me aroused; and no, that’s not just some sexual term, I mean I’m literally intrigued and attracted to this character.
Wait, pause… what the fuck is this? Why is Michael Cole doing a heartfelt “Save the Babies!” telethon type of mess? He has a match with John Cena, and while none of us want to see this, it happens. Let’s go back to sexy AJ and her aggressive and crazy behavior. Makes me happy. Should make you happy too!
Big Show Interview (Controversial Words, Part 2)
Come on. Lesnar did it and he was kind of funny. They even use the same line: “I am NOT an entertainer. I’m a (insert noun here).” Maybe this is leading to something greater, I don’t know. Doesn’t matter right now. Our next match is a tag match with our tag champions R-Truth and Kofi Kingston (and Little Jimmy (?)). Kofi Kingston is probably number two on my list of guys I want to see in the main title hunt. A Punk/Bryan rivalry between him and Ziggler might be very interesting. They have contrasting styles and tremendous talent, the both of them, so now, with the top stars in the company about to take their vacations (or suspensions (or arrests)) this could be a perfect time for Ziggler to shine. Kingston is still deeply intertwined in the tag division.
Oh, show is back and the match is already on: guess that means the champs are destined to win. The opponents are Tyler Reks and Curt Hawkins. Kofi Kingston is getting a nice reaction from the crowd and Truth does too, when he dances. I feel like this match is a throwaway, so let’s enjoy the commentary between King and Cole while we watch the actual match. Cole’s pleas for the match to be canceled have me smiling (about halfway to “Hah?!”) while the actual match has me “Meh”. It’s no secret I’ve never been too big on tag team conflicts; they have to be very interesting to keep me totally entertained.
Wow. That was quite a decent back and forth. This actually has been a decent good match. Again Kofi nails the Trouble in Paradise again, which looks as deadly as the Broque Kick when it needs to. Bravo. Prophecy fulfilled.
Kofi Kingston and R-Truth defeat Tyler Reks and Curt Hawkins
And now we only got one more to go: Cena and Cole. Yawn worthy? Probably not. But in the meantime, Sony’s E3 press conference has had a couple of hits. HTC is announced as the company’s first non-Sony partner, some classic games are getting the Vita treatment and I stand by my claim that Sony NEEDS to get exclusive content for their versions of games so things will sell. Don’t recall where I read it but apparently the Xbox accounts for half of all current gen consoles being played right now. That means the Wii is in second and the PS3 is on the tail end. Guess that hesitation to drop the price really came back to bite you in the ass, eh Sony? Yeah, Far Cry 3 is getting exclusive content but guess what: Xbox is still gonna sell without it. I contend that Sony’s true strength lies in their homebrewed characters and franchises. God of War, Sly Cooper, Uncharted, InFamous, THOSE are the big names you lean on, not trying to boost sales based off of losing to the Microsoft conglomerate.
But we’re at the last match. Not sure when the Big Show is gonna show up but here’s Cena and here’s our friend in the scooter again, who has been “thinking” about this match. Now its No DQ and here comes… Tensai.
Remember how excited you were when you forgot that Lord Tensai was on the roster? Sorry, now its just Tensai apparently. We didn’t give the slightest shit about Tensai when he was Albert or A-Train so why should we care now? His skills have improved but he’s still Albert with new tattoos and a Japanese worshiper. Sakamoto’s interventions have more personality, and calling the dude Sakamoto is already pretty racially insensitive as it is. Not as racially insensitive as, say, having a big white guy obliterate three black people based on the sheer fact that they had a match after his initial termination, but hey, what do I know? The dude ain’t in Paris but he’s going gorillas, HAH?!
You know what? That IS fun to just scream out loud in a nasally voice. Go ahead, give it a try. Take the following terms and scream them out in a loud comically exaggerated voice. “HAH?!” “WINNING!” “BOOTY MEAT!” It’s fun, I promise.
To New Albert’s credit, he plays the scary big man well, but I don’t feel like he’s getting over with the fans. I don’t see him winning this match (its 10:53) but with John Cena–
OH! Cole smacked Cena, THAT was the hit of the night! That was hilarious, and perfect, and Cole is right, a lot of us DO want to do that to Cena. Foolish move yes, but I’m entertained! HAH?!
10:55, five moves of doom time, Cena’s inevitable victory, Cole’s minor punishment and finally Big Show’s appearance to punch Cena in the face. I think that’s what’s going to happen. Since I write this in real time I don’t backspace so if I’m wrong I keep writing. Play by play time!
10:57 Cole tries to run through the crowd. Cena catches him. Give him a noogie. Cole goes flying back over barricade
10:58 Thrown back into ring. Cole has microphone. About to beg for his life. Cena looks amused. We (and by we I mean me) are not amused. Reminds me of Ernest Miller v. Bam Bam Bigelow. “YOU MY HERO!”
10:59 Cole wanna shake hands. Now he’s puffing his chest. Taking off his tie. Got a De Niro thing going on. Somewhere I swear Cole sees Big Show, I swear…
11:00 Cole pokes Cena’s chest. Cena says he’s gonna kick Cole’s ass. Smacks his chest. Cole’s pants are gone; none of us are pleased by this.
11:01 Cena stomped Cole’s nuts. Still not pleased. Cena about to smack Cole again. Referee himself looks surprised and in pain by it. Cena validates Lawler. Making Cole apologize. Cole does apologize. Cole is such a bitch…
11:02 Cena making Cole apologize to Good Ol’ JR. Since I like JR I appreciate this. REALLY taken back to Cat vs. Bam Bam. “YOU MY HERO!” Wait… making Cole say he likes JR’s BBQ sauce… that’s lame.
11:03 Lawler has bottle of JR’s BBQ sauce just arbitrarily around. That’s kinda weak, but okay… Cena hits Cole with the microphone. Now Cena wastes perfectly good BBQ sauce on a human being.
11:04 It was hot sauce. Okay? Cena has fire extinguisher. Sprays Cole. Still not amused. Intrigued but not amused. Time for the Attitude Adjustment. Cena has BBQ sauce on his back. Tensai comes back and kill Cena. Technically match isn’t over.
11:05 Cole pins Cena but only gets a two count. Now we have a match going on… why? Cole takes fire extinguisher.
11:06 Misses. Cena gets Attitude Adjustment off. Cole dead. Cena wins two matches in a row (pay attention to these things). Haven’t seen Big Show yet so I’m sad, but screw it.
11:07 Lawler talks us out. Reminds us of McMahon’s return on RAW next week. Cena sprays Cole some more. Still no Big Show. Lame…
And there’s RAW, June 4th 2012 edition. On a scale of one to four, I say between three and four, closer to the four because of the in-ring action. Story wise nothing was pushed along really. Tensai’s appearance was stupid and unnecessary but when has he been necessary in the last few months? And in Albert’s case: years? Good night everybody!
Live Mediocrity: An Earlier TNA is STILL Meh
Subtitle: “And My Black Ass is STILL Confused!”
Subtitle #2: “Hall of Fame? WHAT THE FU_AR$_#@WF”
Please, Dixie… just… read the wall. It’ll make things so much easier!
Being a college grad, so far, is great. I’ve been relaxing, drinking a load of root beer, reading some new books, planning the return to Atlanta; stress wise the only thing pressing right now is trying to get this new laptop.
Having so much time to relax, however, also gives me plenty of time to watch wrestling. Here in Virginia I can watch WWE and TNA, like always, but I have Ring of Honor as well. While the action is very nice, the conundrum is on par with being a gynecologist. Sure, fellas, you get to see the holiest of holy, but you have to see EVERYONE’S holiest of holy, and there are many holiest of holies that I don’t care to see. If you haven’t caught on yet, I’m bashing TNA.
Again.
In honor of Dixie Carter Appreciation Month, I would like to reiterate that I do not appreciate Dixie Carter. At 9:20 PM this 5/31/2012 I do not appreciate the sight of a Dudley and a Hardy acting in a team-like function. Hatfields and McCoys hated each other for a reason.
For the longest I, and many others who can speak of pro wrestling in a finer way than I, have spoken of the beautiful struggle that is trying to find a silver lining in TNA’s programming outside of the actual action (more than usually at least) but I’ve been the most ranty about it. Between confusing story lines, stupid gimmicks, illogical points of continuity and false fan service, my view on TNA is simple and easily divided into two segments: pro wrestling’s “The Bold and the Beautiful” and pro wrestling’s Florida retirement home (how ironic). And with the decrepit casting in both scenarios everything is sickly apropos.
Well Karen, the papers are filed and… why are you sucking Jeff’s… NOOOOOOOO!
Tonight is the first episode of the new Impact format, and that format (when it’s not being used within the actual show like it was last week) is live. We start with a main event match with a pointless lumberjack aspect and suddenly, and I do mean suddenly, nothing else seems to matter. The match was done and the PPV main event was called, a match that completely ignores the soap opera opening of last week.
But let’s not talk about that because I’m used to all that. I’m used to the terrible writing. I’m used to the terrible story lines. I’m used to the terrible gimmicks and lack of wrestling matters in the company that claims that wrestling matters. I’m even used to the whores.
Oops, sorry, that was out of line. What I meant to say was that I was used to the blonde women who, as shown through pop culture history, mooch off of their more successful and arguably more famous fathers to go off and do TV spots, CDs and then their daddy’s business. Screw metaphors: Brooke Hogan is a pointless addition. I don’t think I can say this any clearer than with the tweets I posted earlier:
So sadly Brooke Hogan got the cheers and boos she deserved. But, yet again, I’m not surprised. This is the mediocrity that I’ve come to expect. What DID literally take me aback, however, was the announcement Dixie Carter made just prior to bring out the failed singer. The TNA Hall of Fame. I don’t even have to share my tweet to say exactly what I felt:
“WHAT FAME?!”
Here’s where that whole TNA as a retirement home thing sets in. Question one: what is the criteria for your hall of fame? If it is a TNA Original, then the wall is going to be blank for a long time. If it is a person who’s been in TNA for a long time, then the wall is going to look like a knockoff of the WWE Hall of Fame. If it is a person who’s been in TNA period, we can rename show TNA Legend House. There’s a reason the WWE Hall of Fame is full of dead guys and retired entertainers. Because it means something.
Question two: why? Because ten years doesn’t warrant a hall of fame unless there’s fame to be placed in hallowed halls. Being placed into a hall of fame should warrant joy from the entrant, not confusion and nausea. Let’s say… hmm, let’s jump back to question one for a bit so we can question who can actually be placed into this hall of fame without a reasonably intelligent fan questioning the entrant. We have…
Er…
We got, um…
Hammer?
It doesn’t matter; if this company had been around for thirty years and was in this position a hall of fame would only be warranted because someone was continually loyal to the company, and I don’t see any Mark Henry’s on the TNA roster. A proper hall of fame constitutes a legitimate company. When the biggest change in the company is jumping up and hour, legitimacy is lacking. When the biggest change in the company is going live, legitimacy is lacking. If I may add another metaphor, adding a serpent to a dying garden does not make it Eden (actually this does bring up a question I have about the Garden of Eden now…). That’s a not so subtle reference to Money’s brilliant hashtag:
#DixieGetsRandy
And because she’s constantly about big, sweaty, half-naked men, I’m sure she does. Oh!
So yes, TNA is still mediocre. The actual wrestling is okay to watch but everything else screams “Send me your tired, your useless, your bored and we’ll either send them out to pasture or send em back to you to be big time”. Hi, Christian.
In honor of Dixie Carter Appreciation Month, I would like to offer Ms. Carter this short letter:
Dear Dixie Carter,
My name is Da Infamous DiZ and I find your product to be lacking and stupid. It is your fault. Please hire people that know what they’re doing. Your Hall of Fame is a bad idea. No one deserves to be in it and even if they do, the company doesn’t warrant one. The Hogans are not the McMahon family. Vince’s weird obsession with incest, necrophilia and crude fart jokes should not make your already mediocre product something abysmal; low rating do that for you. Thank you for your time and if you do decide to take Orton, make him make everyone better. Thank you.
That’s all. I draw your attention to this tweet from fellow L.E.W.D. writer Sir Quinn Gammon, which had me LOL-ing and celebrating keen insight. Peace.
The Return of Quinn Pt. 4
The WWE has two new GMs for Raw and SmackDown. Here is some commentary on the subject as well as some rumors for the future of the commentary seats.
The Return of Quinn 2012-08-06 Pt. 4
August 7, 2012 | Categories: Analysis, News, Opinions, Ranting, Reviews, Talking Points | Tags: AJ, AJ Lee, Booker T, Commentary, JBL, RAW, Smackdown, WWE RAW, WWE SmackDown | Leave A Comment »