Como estas, bitches! And now that that’s been said, how are you? It’s been a minute since I’ve blessed you with my presence and between this, practicing cooking food for the eventual and almost solidified trip I’m making to Atlanta to thug out with the homies (that’s the L.E.W.D. preservation society for the unenlightened) and listening to De La Soul, I find myself ready to jump into my L.E.W.D. pants – sidenote: ALL my pants are L.E.W.D. pants – and say a few things about 2014’s Elimination Chamber pay-per-view and the kickoff that comes before it. So without further ado, let’s talk Olivia Wilde!
I mean, er… wrestling.
Kickoff: Cody Rhodes and Goldust vs. Curtis Axel and Ryback
I’ll be the first to say it: I don’t get this match. I understand you need something to start the program with, but why this? You have Cody Rhodes and Goldust, who have shown themselves to be one of the most, if not THE most, competent and entertaining tag team in the company going against the most boring powerhouse shy of Big Show and his partner Ryback. The kickoff show is comparable to a live show in that it may or may not have any implications outside of just keeping the crowd enthused, but perhaps it’s the storyteller in me talking out loud. As it stands the ideal match come Wrestlemania XXX would be Cody Rhodes versus Goldust as a final send-off for the latter (my opinion), and a win by the WWE’S J. Cole and his partner Buddy would only make that rift between the two all the more wonderful, likely with a speech by Rhodes that went, “You’re losing your step, bro… that’s just how it is.”
Otherwise, who cares? This match is the kickoff and you could pay me to care but I’d just end up wasting your money.
DiZ Prediction: Steve Wilkos and Mr. Meh win via pinfall
Darren Young vs. Titus O’Neil
Go ahead, raise your hand if you thought for one second that Titus O’Neil would be able to float, let alone swim, in the deep end on his own. I didn’t, but I’m so glad I’m wrong. Even now, with the fresh heel O’Neil (I’m a poet and I don’t even know it) and Black Cena with a bright future ahead of him, what appeals to me more than anything right now is that this is the first time we’ve had a brother of Omega Psi Phi versus an openly gay athlete; yes, that matters to me because damn near all my uncles are Ques and more and more of my friends are coming out. To me, oddly enough. Let’s not talk about it anymore.
Back to O’Neil: until further notice it IS Titus O’Neil’s feud. He wanted a solo run as a bad guy and he’s shown out to be one hell of a competent bad guy, from his clean cut attire worthy of Carlton Banks to his willful misspelling of three syllable words. More than that, from a clean perspective, he’s undefeated; his only defeat so far is a result of an outside distraction by Young. I’m not one to speculate but the higher ups may just be big on Titus.
But where does that leave Darren Young? As of now, we don’t know. He could be getting a boost like his one time partner, but maybe not. Frankly, right now, I don’t care. I’ve always found O’Neil to be the more entertaining of the two. Young may be more athletic, but O’Neil is entertaining: he’s made the most out of his opportunities, down to putting on a wig and declaring himself Rufus “Pancake” Patterson (you know… because he flattens fools). I’d like to see him have a title run (Intercontinental preferably) and run things like the Kingpin (Marvel fame), declaring himself a god amongst men.
And Young? He could easily be one of the newer guys who leads the WWE into a new era. With a rather uninteresting card for this PPV, this match remains one of the more interesting ones for me. Here’s rooting for O’Neil.
DiZ Prediction: Darren Young wins via pinfall
The New Age Outlaws © vs. the Usos for the Tag Titles
I’ve been watching TNA regularly lately (don’t judge me) and watching the (American) Wolves do battle I think to myself, “You know… they look like the Usos…” Not in terms of skin tone, but because of style. I often wonder why the WWE passed on the team and it might be the same thing as with Chris Hero: they just weren’t needed. As great as the (American) Wolves can be, what does it matter when you have a crowd of cats who can do it too? Subsequently, they don’t seem to be comfortable in TNA yet.
What we have in this match is a case of old versus new. We have an exciting team of symbiotic titans versus the Usos. It’s… good? The match itself has potential, but I’m more interested in why the Outlaws are a factor at all right now. Maybe Tiple H is the Andrew Jackson of the company, deploying the spoils system now that he can put the homies on. Maybe he wanted to reunited the Kliq. Maybe he wants to form a new Four Horsemen and single out Bryan as their Dusty Rhodes, I don’t (expletive) know. I want to see the Outlaws out, if only because they’ve overstayed their welcome in my eyes.
But we also have the rise of the Usos. It’s been a long road (getting from there to here), and the build up hasn’t just been slow, but worthwhile. The crowd loves them: most of us like them. Sure, (expletive) one of them for (expletive) Trinity and (Oh my sweet Jesus, this is FAR too NSFW for even an adult film scenario) with a Samoan slapstick and a lemon wedge, but the team itself is gravy. If they win tonight, it’ll be well deserved.
DiZ Prediction: New Age Outlaws win via pinfall
Big E © vs. Jack Swagger for the Intercontinental Championship
Another “Why for?” match. I don’t have much to say about this one so I’ll just say what I have to say: Big E has no direction right now. He’s beating people up, but why? Because he has the belt. What’s he doing with the belt? Winning matches. That MAY sound like the right thing to do, but action without direction is exactly how the sidewinder moves around. He doesn’t necessarily need a feud or anything but there needs to be a story and the prospect of possible payoff in the foreseeable future. That or that (stop with the ethnic slurs, Chris!) can just admit that he stole my idea and pitched it to the higher ups. If Kofi and Henry team up…
DiZ Prediction: Big E. wins via pinfall
Batista vs. Alberto Del Rio
One: I am happy to see Batista back. I don’t think all his detractors are against him so much as against the circumstances presented in his direction. He came in, won the Rumble, and he’s stuck in the shadow of the good man Danny Bry. He was screwed the second he won.
Two: a feud with Del Rio is weird. It was teased at and perfectly so, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the WWE told Del Rio to start a tweet war with Batista and left Batista completely in the dark. I’m willing to bet money that Batista’s reactions to Del Rio’s tweets were legitimate confusion. But much like Charlie Sheen being Charlie Harper in Charlie Sheen’s beach house on Two and a Half Men, it could just as easily be Dave being a douche. So yes, the two will fight, and Del Rio might even pull a good match out of the old fart, but at the end of the day I have to say…
DiZ Prediction: Batista wins via pinfall
The Wyatt Family vs. The Shield
This is THE match I want to see. It could only be better if it was a Chamber match, but I don’t see how it would have been possible what with pods and “randomness” and all. On one hand with have the Wyatt Family, a creepy backwoods cult (you know, like the population of Parma, Ohio) led by a man who does inverted crab walks, and on the other you have the Shield, a team of young thundercats who are all attempting to make a path to greatness. Both teams are always entertaining (save for that match between Punk and Rollins one ill-fated RAW) and both teams do it big. We’ll have a violent, terrific conflict and yes: it MIGHT be the match of the evening.
Now let’s look at the implications. The Shield (if there is a God) will split up and battle in a triple threat match come New Orleans, which will propel one of them (likely Reigns) to superstardom. The Wyatt Family will remain creepy as Harper and Rowan push their way out and become great singles stars. But this is the entry point, and yes, it WILL be great.
DiZ Prediction: The Wyatt Family wins via pinfall
Randy Orton © vs. John Cena vs. Cesaro vs. Daniel Bryan vs. Christian vs. Sheamus in the Elimination Chamber for the Title with a Long Ass Name
My expectations are that Cena will get screwed over by the Wyatts, Sheamus will be knocked out first, Christian will fall into heeldom, Cesaro will become a face, Bryan will come close (but no Cuban) and Orton will squeak by utilizing the skills and strategies he developed over the past couple of weeks. Here’s the deal: expect no surprises here outside of Cesaro swinging everybody with a pulse. This match CAN be the strategic and technical monstrosity that overtakes the show, but only if done right. I’m all but sure that the winner is Orton, and that he squeaks by, and that Bryan gets thrown into the main event at Wrestlemania to appease the people and lead to an interesting angle. Because people don’t care to see Orton vs. Batista. I know I don’t, but I can’t speak for anyone by myself.
DiZ Prediction and Order of Elimination: Cena, Sheamus, Christian, Cesaro, Bryan; Orton wins via pinfall
But that’s just my two cents. What do YOU think?
Disclaimer: written knowing damn well it won’t be completed before the kickoff match comes on. In any case, I don’t care. Can they both lose?