Category Archives: Analysis

WWE Should Never Listen To Us

Wrestling fans are dumb. We are people who want everyone to look strong, for no one to lose. If we don’t want that, we’re tired of the same old shit but get angry when they try something different. Vince shouldn’t have changed plans last year. When he did that, he basically encouraged this year’s cancellation of WWE Network subscriptions. My only thing is I think they should look at getting new writers to work on promos… or even better, stop scripting every word of promos. But hey… they shouldn’t listen to a nobody like me.

I laugh and talk to my best friend often about how Reigns’ promos are something out of the 60s or 70s. They want him to be a white meat babyface in a world that prefers the anti-hero, or a little edge to the character. Daniel Bryan gained popularity because he was crazy. Half the WWE roster is some form of crazy. What’s crazy to me is how fans watch these shows devoid of star power and think WWE is not in such desperate need of new stars that they don’t think rushing Reigns is a necessary evil. And then they’re blind to how, once you rush HIM to that main event level, there’s Seth “The Best In The World” Rollins with that MITB briefcase, and Ambrose, Wyatt and Rusev right there as natural rivals.

Fans have this subversive masochistic bent, man. Yall niggas like rooting for shit you know has no business ever happening. Like Zack Ryder, main eventer. That shit was coming and I’m glad it never came. I have written here, so many times, about the role looks play in how you are perceived. I am a flabby 6’6, 305. I’d be an ideal potential star in wrestling if I wanted to risk my life in ladder matches and such. But if I was 5’8, 200… not really. Wrestling fans like guys that use all kinds of different submission holds and high spots and such… that shit doesn’t sell. Do you remember that time Hulk Hogan dropped the leg off the top of the steel cage? When The Rock delivered The People’s Elbow off a ladder? When Stone Cold dropped a Stunner through the roof of the Cell? When John Cena Five Knuckle Shuffled off the top of the tron? No? BECAUSE THEM NIGGAS DREW MILLIONS OF MILLIONS OF DOLLARS DOING THEIR FIVE MOVES OF DOOM NIGGA.

People don’t so much love Daniel Bryan or CM Punk or Dolph Ziggler as much as they love the idea of them niggas. I remember when CM Punk was champion, people couldn’t wait for him to drop the title. (Because they aren’t USED to it being hot potatoed all over the roster) When they acquiesced and let Bryan win the main event of Mania, people complained about his weak booking a month later when he was selling the notion that a monster heel was trying to kidnap his wife. (Him getting injured saved so many fantasies from being murdered when he and not Cena took that unmerciful asswhipping at SummerSlam.) In the old days a guy who looked like Dolph Ziggler would steal the show in IC title matches but never go over in a world title match. (As opposed to having two footnote ass title reigns.) When I REALLY think about it… the idea of putting CM Punk over against The Rock, Undertaker and Brock Lesnar is utterly preposterous. But I used to be just like you so called smart fans.

WWE set buyrate records two years in a row main eventing Cena and Rock. I can visualize Reigns and Lesnar on a poster. I just can’t see the David and Goliath dynamic selling in 2015. I’ll remind you that every time WWE HAS pushed CM Punk or Bryan, ratings and buyrates went to hell. They do sell merch, I’ll give them that. Anyway… I just grew up after I didn’t get my way in 2013 and realized that these guys who can’t do Phoenix Splashes are the ones who really put asses in seats and the guys who CAN do exciting moves get people out of their seats once they’re there.

I’ve BEEN saying this, and I’ll keep saying it… WWE needs to create a new midcard title for smaller wrestlers or the second they call up Sami Zayn, Adrian Neville, Hideo Itami, Finn Balor etc… they’re setting them up to be the new Justin Gabriel. Who just left the company ostensibly because he got tired of only being seen off Superstars doing jobs to those six foot 250 plus lb guys WWE sees as walking ATMs.

I wanted to see Batista win the title last year and I’m happy they will put the belt on Reigns and truly jumpstart the next generation of WWE superstars. Because I have learned it’s better to accept reality for what it is. Ask yourself… when Yokozuna, Bam Bam Bigelow, Mabel and Vader roamed the earth… why did only Yokozuna win the title? Why am I supposed to believe Bret Hart could wrap legs thick as his body around his legs against that man’s will?

You Know, I’m Not Mad That He Won…

Before we go any further, let me reiterate something very, VERY clearly: I have no inherent problem with Roman Reigns winning the Royal Rumble match.  None.  I don’t like that he won, as I don’t see any reason for him winning, but I didn’t see any reason for him winning last year either; we have to finally all admit – willingly or otherwise – that the reason he was cheered last year in Pittsburgh was because it was either him or Batista. 

No, I have no problem with Reigns winning the Rumble, even if I don’t like the call.  The world of professional wrestling is littered with decisions I don’t agree with, but that can hardly stand as a crutch towards my viewing pleasures.  There are storylines, matches, feuds, jokes and decisions up and down WWE, TNA, ROH, Dragon Gate, NJPW and TNA that have no reason, but dammit: TNA can make these mistakes all they want. 

Thus we complain.  We boycott.  We march up and down the street and we vote.  We boo the outcomes and say we’ll never watch the product again.  We’re lying of course: we tune back in to the product the next day.  See, I’m upset about the Rumble match even more than those who probably threatened to riot last night (and if the rumors are true those that didn’t let the Rumble winner leave the arena).  I was fuming at the mouth, throwing empty bottles of NyQuil across the room, praising the careers of Ryan Reynolds and Ashton Kutcher, I was completely livid.  But not because Reigns won.

Let’s face facts: they had hinted at Reigns being the winner for the longest.  We didn’t like it but that was the case.  The hope was that his mic skills and charisma would match up with the reception he was getting from the crowd.  In my case, I was hoping he would switch up his move set a little, gain his own attire, get his own theme music, stop coming out through the crowd, adopt a manager, stop trying to be funny, etc.  He was always the silent weak link of the Shield: both Ambrose and Rollins are money.  They went in opposite directions and thrived.  Ambrose is a lunatic fan favorite who bares no allegiance while Rollins is a calculating mega heel who… I mean, the man brought the Phoenix Splash back to the rotation.  The Phoenix freaking Splash. 

And still Reigns has one thing in his column that his former teammates don’t: he’s a WWE original.  Ambrose is an indie star, Rollins comes from the same camp as Bryan, Punk or Cesaro (it should be noted that Rollins is a former NXT Champ, so they knew he had something about him) and he’s one of the most accomplished guys to ever come into the E championship wise. 

Despite what we think, despite who we praise or love, the WWE will ALWAYS push their own first.  Corbin made a salient point many moons ago that Punk was a transitional champion despite his impossibly long WWE Championship run, and he’s right.  CM Punk is also not a WWE original.  John Cena is, and it shows.

John Cena, Randy Orton, Brock Lesnar, Batista, The Rock, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Triple H, Shawn Michaels, these are all originals.  Big Show is not an original.  Chris Jericho is not an original.  If anything, it’s a bit funny that Jericho was the first Undisputed Champion and his world title runs are more or less distant memories, like Ziggler’s world title run.  He’s a WWE Original though.  There’s a reason he’s still there.  Same with Zack Ryder.  And The Ryback, as Daniel Bryan calls him.

Reigns winning the Rumble was expected, and the crowd response was appropriate.  Philly fans are a serious breed: they weed through the BS with fine toothed combs.  That’s why they cheered for Rollins: he’s a ridiculously talented wrestler.  That’s why they booed Cena: he’s rather mediocre.  That’s why they cheered for Mizdow: he’s very entertaining.  That’s why they booed the Miz: he’s a douche.

No: I’m not mad that Reigns won the Rumble because it makes sense in terms of the development of Reigns as the top babyface in the company one day.  That day is more than likely not March 29, 2015, but one day he will be the face of the WWE, and the company is still in a tailspin due to Punk’s departure, Bryan’s initial injury and the fall of Russia.  Maybe one of those things didn’t happen but its just as valid as anything else.

So we’ll likely have Reigns vs. Lesnar at Mania.  That’s dumb, but if we’re going to be honest: Bryan vs. Lesnar makes no storyline sense right now either.  It’s nice as a David and Goliath narrative, and it’s nice for Bryan and his rise back to the top after never officially losing his title, but does it make sense?  Not entirely.  Difference is: we don’t care about sense so much when Bryan takes on Lesnar.  We like Bryan.  He’s a short athletic goat with a sexy Mexican girlfriend that… wait, am I talking about Bryan or JoMo…?

In any case: Bryan going to Mania is a feel good story straight out of Feel Good Inc, but I don’t think people would be so mad if he lost so long as he lost later in the match.  If he didn’t lose so inconsequentially, people would still hate that Reigns won, but they wouldn’t have been so upset.  The fans weren’t even given the illusion that Bryan could have won. 

Bryan is a fan favorite and one of the most over Superstars in modern history.  Period.  Reigns will be one those kinds of guys eventually.  But not right now.  And the WWE is trying to make him the face sooner rather than later.  The fault isn’t with Reigns: it’s with lazy booking and mistakes that couldn’t be rectified.  Maybe the E has leaned on Cena and the like for so long that there was no legit gameplan for when the Cena was too unhealthy for prolonged work.

I don’t know, but the point remains: I’m not mad at Reigns won.  It happened.  I can accept it, whether I like it or not.  But the Rumble still pissed me off.  Why?

Because #6 never made it to the ring.  I don’t know what PPV y’all were watching, but Reigns outlasted 28 others, not 29.  Rowan did NOT replace Axel: I don’t know WHAT he was doing.  If there is truly a victim from last night’s travesty, it is Curtis Axel.

TLC 2014 Sucked and You Know It: A DiZ Review

It’s no secret that I can’t stand Cleveland.  I can’t stand Cleveland as a city, as a concept; the sports teams there make me vomit, the local politics are mad corrupt, the police force is more corrupt than other places in the United States; I actively fear for the souls of my family and friends in and near the city.  To this day I say that only four good things can be associated with Cleveland:

  1. Drew Carey
  2. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame
  3. Halle Berry
  4. The ability to leave

So in that regard, maybe, JUST MAYBE, I’m sadistically pleased that such a crap PPV took place in Cleveland.  It’s exactly what the crap city deserves, and this is incredible because it was working in the shadow of the mindblowingly wonderful NXT event on Thursday.  Rumors were that the Raw and Smackdown talent were looking to step up after that brilliance that was REvolution, but I’m somewhat torn to say that I can count on one hand the guys that actually did, and to be fair, they were the cats that came from NXT anyway.

But this isn’t about me just up and bashing the PPV in a long post.  That’s what pages are for!  Let’s get started, because today I utilize a new system of grading: the Jermaine-o-meter!

panda

the rise of ryback… redux

I remember when Ryback was getting his original push way back when, where no less than a dozen people were telling me that he had the potential to be the biggest thing in recent memory.  They told me that people would get over their Goldberg chants and stand behind him with the “FEED ME MORE!” chants.  They informed me that the people would fall in love with his character, that sheer power and love for destruction, and that he would one day be a worthy world championship contender.

Continue reading the rise of ryback… redux

The Armchair Quarterbacks: A Midcard Commentary

What follows is an unstructured loosely organized rant between Armchair Quarterbacks Mr. Ashley Morris and Mr. Quinn Gammon about the importance of mid carders and the IC And US Titles.  WARNING: THIS POST IS A TAD BIT LENGTHY; IF’IN YOU AIN’T USE TA READIN’ LONG POSTS…YOU WILL BE AFTER READIN’ A’THIS ONE.

AM: If Dolph Ziggler defeated Cesaro on Friday and retained his IC Title…Why should I be excited about seeing it tomorrow?

QG: 2 out of 3 falls?

AM: Ah, let’s staple a gimmick to it and all is well. Continue reading The Armchair Quarterbacks: A Midcard Commentary

10/20/2014 Raw Thoughts: Overexposure

Before I go into complaining about how I don’t like certain aspects of WWE’s creative decisions, let me first get into the things that I do, in fact, like. First and foremost… they waited until the go home Raw to give us a moment where you think any number of scenarios can play out at Hell in a Cell. When Seth Rollins curbstomped Randy Orton, the first thing I thought was “they’re sowing seeds for Orton to turn face… Continue reading 10/20/2014 Raw Thoughts: Overexposure