Minority Report: Wrasslin VS Entertainin: The Chronicles of Daniel Bryan
Well, more like dissenting opinion. Look, I LIKE The Corbin. I’ve liked him from the moment I saw that he was a ratchet, if understatedly intelligent, wordslinger. Something that stood out to me: I don’t think anyone else I’ve spoken to in the realm of professional wrestling commentary had a voice like his. It seemed like everyone else was combining the lingo of Chicago with the false knowledge of wrasslin, but not him. As a writer he’s come a LONG way since the initial conversation we had. However, my man Corbin Macklin still has his delusions.
Daniel Bryan CAN be the face of the WWE. Punk cannot.
Welp, that was easy. Now that that’s out of the way, guess I can go home…
Ah dammit, Bryan, you’re gonna make me keep going? But I’m tired and I wanna bask in the fact that I got to touch Brie Bella before you did! Wha? Pics or it ain’t happen? Well I DO have a pic. Suck on that, goatboy! You know what? Maybe The Corbin is right after all. Maybe you CAN’T be the face of the company. It’s bad enough CM Punk is too rebellious to match the current landscape of the company: he can at the most be this generation’s Stone Cold, but not as a poster boy for rebellion in the WWE but rebellion in the current PG Era. What made Steve Austin stand out was being the most rebellious AMONGST other rebels, and even now his name makes people say: “He IS wrestling!” across a spectrum, whereas when people see Punk they may think, “He IS wrestling… eh… but he’s no Stone Cold.” And that’s your fate too, Danielson. You’re nothing more than the Mick Foley of the age, going against the Corporation just like he did against Dwayne. You just don’t have the look, B. You’re a goat-faced freak with delusions of being taller and too much natural wrestling ability. When’s the last time the WWE had more than a handful of people like that? Not like we have a Light Heavyweight title anymore! You can’t shine in the main event category!
That’s why that pretty boy Randy Orton is on top. He’s long, and tall, and handsome. He’s good in the ring. He appeals to the casual fan and the hardcore fan, everyone! He’s even better than Cena: when’s the last time you’ve seen ANYTHING even remotely different out of him? YEARS, that’s when! People love his character, that brooding, that “I’m entitled to everything, including the Divas” mentality, that “Last of the Mohicans” look that less and less Superstars seem to have in the company. You’ll NEVER be that guy, Bryan Danielson. The Corbin is right! Because things never change: look at the shelf life of the McMahons and how Triple H has stepped up and exerted his power as the executive vice president of talent and live events, bringing in people like Sin Cara and the other Sin Cara and Kharma and Antonio Cesaro and Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose. They’re monsters of men and Triple H is keeping in line with Vince McMahon’s long-extinct “size and strength” mean everything and not the direction the industry is going in more so. Danielson, you dick.
I have to disagree with Macklin though: you AREN’T better than Randy Orton in anything. He’s a better wrestler, a better mic worker, a better judge of who to date or marry, hell, he’s even better at going AWOL! They don’t want you to be the face, Bryan Danielson, with that scraggly beard and all, they want the man who got discharged from the Marine Corps for bad conduct to be the face of this forever super-patriotic company! THAT’S why he wasn’t in The Marine 3: Homefront! It’s so beneath him as an actor: have you SEEN 12 Rounds 2: Reloaded?! THAT MOVIE WAS BRILLIANT! Move out the way, Danny Boyle, you can add as much intrigue and as many Rosario Dawson nude scenes as you want, you can’t touch a Randy Orton movie!
Well actually, Rosario Dawson nude scenes galore might actually be the greatest movie of all time… even the excellence of excellence himself Randal Orton can’t quite match Rosario Dawson’s naked magnificence. BUT HE COMES CLOSE!
And what’s an “it” factor? You don’t have it. Orton has it. He was the little guy in a big pond. He was the baby in Evolution, amongst a big guy like Triple H, and a bigger guy like Batista, and a legend like Ric Flair, and the whores who constantly went in and out of their limos, crying because they had to deal with stories of impotence and Triple H having a wife. He was the little guy, I don’t care how tall he is, and he ended up winning with Triple H’s help and promptly being screwed over! Because Triple H feared his rise to the top: look at him now! Top of the company and now he’s being hugged by Triple H, and Vince McMahon, and even Stephanie, who damn near sexually assault at one point! Because he’s the smaller guy: he’s good for business! He has the “it” factor, a factor he’s always just had, not something he developed over the years with feuds and title runs and interesting concepts! He’s right up there with John Cena!
Bryan, why are you even still arguing with me? Obvious Corbin is completely and utterly right about you. What are you, a technical wrestler in a sea of other technical wrestlers? How dull. Look at Alberto Del Rio. He’s a technical wrestler too, and he’s a champion. What are you? Nothing. Because the crowd loves you and you reach a wider audience by the virtue of being an indie wrestler who’s taken on the best in the world, INCLUDING the man who claims to be the best in the world? That ain’t shit. Look at Christian! Captain Charisma! People love him: they don’t even remember that he comes from that cesspool we call Mexico North! THAT’S greatness! He hasn’t even changed! He was a bland, talented but reliable worker before when they fired him, and what happened? He floated around a bit, went to that company we don’t name, wrestled some people around the world, and came back and for what? To become a champion. You just don’t have that kind of charisma, Daniel. What does it say about a man who can build an entire legion of people around him by chanting one of two words? That’s not REAL charisma. Now that Del Rio! HE has charisma. He wakes up every morning, brushes his teeth with unicorn-infused toothpaste and takes a dump and every clump is loaded with charisma! And y’all say they put something in the Mexican’s water… peasants.
And why even bring up CM Punk? He’s a nobody just like you! A rebellious, hard PG-13 nobody! Why else would they put the WWE Championship on him? Oh, so you could see that someone else could hold the title? No, because it needed to go to someone not named Cena, and what a boring reign it was. Beating Alberto Del Rio in his most charismatic form, beating Del Rio and the Miz in a triple threat a month later, taking out Dolph Ziggler, winning arguably the most athletic elimination chamber contest ever, bring Chris Jericho to submission AND beating him senseless in a street fight later, taking YOU out at Over the Limit, then you AND Kane – a REAL Superstar – in the following PPV, then doing it AGAIN – that’s THREE victories – at the next PPV, are you even hearing me, Bryan?! Anyone can do that! Punk was just a transitional champion, just a long, 434 day transitional champion.
Hmm? Don’t try and bring no secondary logic into this, Danielson! Every champion who holds the title is most certainly NOT a transitional champion by the very nature of eventually losing the belt! What matters is that your reign MEANS something, and it doesn’t matter if you hold the belt for 400 days or 4 minutes. Unless it’s you. Because no one cares about seeing Daniel Bryan as the face of the company. The posters for Wrestlemania HAVE to have someone terrific on them, or who cares? Who cares that both world champions now conflict with Vince McMahon’s notion of a marketable Superstar? And who’s next for the World Heavyweight title? RVD? That stoner?! As champion?! Ha! Oh, Bryan Danielson, don’t make me laugh. And what about you? A continued rise to the top? A retribution story?! WHO WANTS TO SEE THAT?! Don’t let all these people claiming that it’ll work out confuse you: no one is THAT optimistic. The world is a cold, dark, dreary place of no goodness and even less compassion: your career is already in the toilet. We’re just waiting for the McMahons, who should’ve just fired your ass last Monday, to fix the stopper and flush.
Man, see this? Corbin has more compassion for you that I do. He says that you’ll win the title at one of the PPVs before or after Wrestlemania. Like hell: he’s being nice. I’m gonna tell it to you straight: you’ll NEVER be headlining something like Wrestlemania or even one of the lesser PPVs. Summerslam? A fluke. Nothing more. Because you’re not worth it. You’ll be like the Miz, headlining Wrestlemania and then going down and down and down until the most you’re doing is knocking off figures of authorities at future PPVs. It’s such a step down. You won’t even get that high. You won’t win at Wrestlemania like he did. You certainly won’t usher in an era like he did. You’re so screwed, and I DON’T mean anything involving Brie Bella’s fine ass. She could do SO much better. You probably do nothing but tickle her with that beard and scream “YES!” all night anyway. Jerk…
You’re just a placeholder for Cena anyway. That guy, he knows how to treat a lady. He knows how to be an all-American all star. He knows the importance of being a class president, valedictorian, A+, star quarterback, Cadillac convertible driving, cheerleader autographing big shot. He’s never mean and always tells you to never give up. He fights with unsightly injuries and only hits you when you deserve it. Like when he slapped you. Because you deserved it. He’s the perpetual underdog because that kind of character will ALWAYS be popular! Look at Jeff Hardy! Look at how popular he is! Tens of fans at TNA constantly chanting his name and praising his tired style can’t be wrong, can they? Oh what would you know. You don’t watch TNA. You don’t even have a TV. I can only IMAGINE how you manage to keep Brie entertained when you and her are home alone. But John Cena? Lives like Thugnificent and you know what? Earned it. Because when you think of an underdog, you think of a man who lives in a mansion and have a dozen cars and has relations with a woman who may or may not have any feeling in her chest. THAT’S MY KIND OF UNDERDOG!
So screw you, Daniel Bryan, as if that’s your REAL name. I almost shudder to think that at one point I wanted a match between you and CM Punk for the unification of the World Heavyweight and WWE Championships. The universe wouldn’t even bother to watch, let alone acknowledge you two with imploding in on itself. I leave you to your thoughts, Mr. Danielson. Not like you have much else. Like real Americans we’re going to be busy watching football instead of even THINKING to flip back and forth between the game and that show you wrestle on. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to do something you and fix a pork roast. Because I am about that life and you’re lucky if you can aspire to mediocrity.