“Spaceships don’t come equipped with rear view mirrors…”
–Andre 3000, International Players Anthem (I Choose You)
Greetings, fancy eating persons, and welcome to another edition of Me Talking About Wrestling, an episodic live review of professional wrestling programs where I take the time to bash every accomplishment, no matter how big or small, that the WWE or TNA throws at us. You may call me Da Infamous DiZ, aka Young Jon Lovitz Jr., aka Craig T. Nelson, aka Captain “Your Promotion Sucks And I Will Continually Bash It In Any Capacity” Man. Before you begin reading this, know that I hate the WWE AND TNA. TNA is just an easier target, and I approve of cheap shots.
Now! Time for another edition of a SmackDown! review! We begin with a recap of Monday, where the pro wrestling Donald Trump questions John Laurinaitis’ continued employment, and two-ton heel Big Show “punches” McMahon. Allow me to quote myself as I say this: “Recycled, retarded, rejected, NEXT SCENE!”
The funny thing is that SmackDown! is the better show for story in the WWE, but this is pretty weak. As our good friend Money said before, the focus in terms of story should be on the title. As Sir Quinn Gammon pointed out, after a minor debate where I conceded (won’t happen again) there is no show where the title is a focus. I didn’t add the qualifier of “major storyline” but screw it, he would have won that battle. Something else I will never concede.
Now here’s our resident crazy chick. Disclaimer: she’s gotten SO MUCH SEXIER since she’s gone crazy. She was sexy before, but notice how my pedophile jokes have COMPLETELY vanished. And as if it weren’t sexy enough, here comes Vickie. She talks about the new rise of Dolph Ziggler, and yes, I couldn’t be happier that this man is FINALLY getting the push he so deserves. Our favorite one-time, unforgettable champion is getting a proper rise, and yes, as he just said, he IS better than what he’s been recently given. Why Vickie and Ziggler came out during AJ’s set is beyond me, but I assume it’ll lead to a match between Ziggler and Punk in the near future. As in very, very soon. Like, tonight.
Ah, a smack by Guerrero. That was a serious smack. And AJ looks… pleased. Is that a masochistic streak too? Yeah… here’s Punk, with a microphone, and thank God because AJ just went into sexy overload for a second. Settle down, me, you can focus on that later. Now we focus on the master of the modern day pipe bomb.
Honestly, looking at Ziggler and Guerrero and Punk and AJ in the ring almost justifies the arbitrary mixed tag match required to keep the “global” appeal of the company going. And if these four alone weren’t enough (and they weren’t I venture to say) here comes Daniel Bryan. His “Captain Save-A-Ho” attitude has yet to wear thin but it’s quite humorous. This isn’t the first time he’s gone down the pimp path; at one point he was singing the International Player’s Anthem with Hispanic and Asian women. Two of them are unemployed and one of them is now the EX Knockout champ, losing to a woman who doesn’t deserve the title. I guess Bryan was right:
And finally we have the last piece of the puzzle: Sheamus. I still like Sheamus, but for the past 13 minutes we’ve had nothing but talking and big barking, the likes of which I haven’t experienced since Xzibit’s sorely underrated Weapons of Mass Destruction. Sheamus calls for the match to start now, to everybody’s enthusiasm, and AJ announces she has old business to take care of, which is going after Vickie. Sexiness at its peak again? Check. Commercials? Welp, I’ll be right back. Where’s that lotion…?
No, I’m joking, I’m not looking for any lotion; I’m just being a dirty young man. Actually this all goes back to how significant this storyline is. The focus isn’t on the belt – or The Precious as some people would unspeakingly like to call it (ADRIAN!) – but AJ is leading this story, and I can’t recall in recent history a woman who has even had such a prominent position. You wanna say Trish Stratus though, don’t you? Of course you do. Go ahead. Please comment on that in the comment section because I don’t remember and I sure as hell have no intention of doing any research right now. AJ, however, literally went from the bottom of the totem pole to the top, and honestly they – the WWE – might benefit from putting her again Vickie in the second half. It would be good for business, and it helps that females are privy to a slightly more significant role right now.
I’ll talk about that a little later (maybe): now we have our first match of the evening, the main event between the top champions Punk and Sheamus, versus their number one contenders Bryan and Ziggler. You know what’s already special? The fact that everyone in this match can WRESTLE. That already calls for this match to be worth the watch, and it even carries the managers on the outside. Visually this is nice. The action is nice. Even the personas of the wrestlers are showing here. Punk and Sheamus are eager brawlers, the latter more so than the former. Ziggler plays the role of the hungry man with something to prove and Bryan is the cowardly talented grappler. AJ is crazy, perfect for headstrong brawlers, and Vickie is calculating, perfect for the others. So this match should be great, right?
Well it is indeed very good. Very back and forth, very clean, very impressive. As we go to commercials again I’m excited to see what we get when we come back. Punk’s suspended suplex alone, aside from being a subtle “fuck you” to TNA and X Division champion Austin Aries (I read between the lines), was very cool.
I have a second now so I’ll talk about the women. First, TNA apologists, I need you to stop saying TNA has the best women’s division in pro wrestling. That’s a lie. Is it better than the WWE’s? Yes, undoubtedly, but they’re not the best. I just threw that in there to avoid any premature statements about “superior” women’s wrestling in the comments. But in the WWE, there is a very subtle, very understated rise of the fairer sex in the shows. If Layla was merely back to fill a void in the women’s division I would have just passed off this notion as a nagging feeling, but no, she’s shown TREMENDOUS improvement in her return and otherwise, and AJ is leading the WWE title story, which involves two former world champions as well as the current one, and she’s overshadowing them.
What. The. Freak?!
Back to that a little later again. Match back and Bryan and Ziggler are in control. And how quickly that can change. We’re about to go into brawl territory, and even through this match is good, I have to wonder if Kane is going to do something in this match. I still say that his very involvement in the WWE title hunt is suspicious, unless he’s leaving shortly (but that’s still suspicious) but nothing about his presence makes sense to me.
Dolph Ziggler and Daniel Bryan defeat Sheamus and CM Punk
Okay, funny. Ziggler running from Sheamus is hilarious. Vickie about to fight sexy crazy AJ is funnier. Vickie running is funny. AJ looking hurt, not quite as funny. Kane finally showing, weird. I joked last time around that AJ kissing Kane introduced the lost sense forgotten feeling of arousal to the man but now I’m starting to this we have dark things erupting from the would-be Maleficent (I’m a Disney movie nerd too).
And this is why AJ is such a clever creation right now. Lunacy gives rise to creativity, and with Laurinaitis being such a crafty bad guy (which I called, and correctly I might add) who is to say that AJ isn’t part of a grand scheme right now? Kane’s clumsy obsession, Bryan’s lingering princess that got away, Punk’s confused relationship, and who is holding all the cards? That’s right, the arousing little nymph that I used to make constant jokes about because of her youthful appearance. Now she’s the queen bee, and she knows it. We’re all under her spell and no, none of us are complaining. Hell, I’m not. You shouldn’t either.
This might be another innovation they’re testing out. I honestly don’t think they meant for Bryan to be as big as he is now, and as a result I don’t think AJ was supposed to have the prominence that she does now. I don’t think Kane, Punk and Bryan were supposed to be part of a twisted love quadrilateral with a woman who has yet to even say she has feelings for anyone currently. But it works, and we’re intrigued. For those of you that say the wrestling should be more prominent, I ask you this: what is pro wrestling minus story? The answer: a carnival attraction. And like Austin Powers I hate carnies and nuclear war.
Wait no, I fear carnies and nuclear war. Yeah, fear.
Preshow for No Way Out is Clay versus Otunga. Who cares, right, nobody.
You know why I don’t care? Because the Funkadactyls are out and Lord knows Booker T’s “shucky ducky quack quack” is appropo at their… entrance. Overload, my friends. Overlord. We’re reminded of Big Show’s bout of ethnic cleansing a few weeks ago, where Clay was beat up. He’s out here now, promo mode, talking while the sexy sistas to his left and right cosign. That’s called winning.
Okay, I have a question. Who’s wife did Heath Slater pork? That’s the only explanation for him being a jobber with an entrance right now. Losing to Ryback. Losing to Clay. Losing to Vader (LOVED that, mind you), and now he’s losing to Clay again. And quickly. Wendy’s pissed SOMEBODY off, and you know what? Don’t care. Never liked him.
Brodus Clay defeats Heath Slater
And here’s Otunga with the hit-and-run, which further confirms my thing about the ethnic cleansing. Last time a black guy was working so hard for his boss in this company Orlando Jordan was… well, let’s not talk about Orlando Jordan.
Clay is on his back, after getting flattened out by David Otunga, and… again, why? I appreciate the ass shots I’m getting of the Funkadactyls (I’m misogynistic and I don’t care!) but so what, Otunga gets an advantage in a preshow. Again, who cares? Minor stories are just that: minor, and they get worse when they’re smaller aspects of major stories.
I know this is random, but since I hear The Cosby Show in the background (I multitask; look out for Me Talking About Video Games, my video blog on Youtube) I have to say: Lisa Bonet and Bern Nadette Stanis were my earliest TV crushes. Seeing Bern Nadette Stanis in, as I call them, “dem jeans” and Lisa Bonet’s quirkiness (and steamy scenes in Angel Heart) were just beautiful to me. And still are. They’d get, as the French in France might say, “da bidniss” with “da kwikniss”.
As we come back from commercials we have our super sexy Divas’ champ Layla (who I STILL pray will one day bear my children) on commentary while the women who have no entrances – Alicia Fox and Beth Phoenix – have a very brief battle. Extremely brief.
Beth Phoenix defeats Alicia Fox (oh, big surprise)
Needless to say I want to see Layla win more than Beth. I also want Mickie James and Kharma in the WWE, but I have to wait, right? I don’t know why we came back from commercials if that’s all we were going to get at this juncture. We’re still talking about the Big Show thing and we have to give it to the WWE—
*starting sarcasm now*
These guys know how to creatively edit to cover up a major faux pas! You hardly even know that WMD didn’t connect with Vince’s face! I am in AWE of this genius, as in awe as I was with Vladimir Kozlov’s original theme song, that lyrical masterpiece as it was! Pootie Tang, sang Kozlov’s song for me!
*ending sarcasm now*
Back to the show, Hornswoggle’s little “My favorite things” segment actually is kinda sweet. I like the Muppets too, and all of you under the age of 35 should have been able to appreciate that episode. IT WAS KERMIT THE FREAKING FROG!
Here comes Big Johnny, sans scooter, and while I figured his salary or senior citizen’s status should afford him money for a new scooter, he’s delivering a stupid and very half assed apology for something he didn’t directly do. Need I direct you to my piece about him being the criminal mastermind in this city known as the WWE? I think I will, as a sign of my shameless plugging. You see the links. You know the score.
Interestingly enough, story is showing itself to be a big thing in the WWE right now; the problem is that its in spite of the titles. Actually, no, let me rectify that: the titles should be the focus, but whether or not that’s a good or a bad thing is a matter of opinion. If that contradicts that I said earlier then disregard that and focus on this. When you have a pure wrestling company I can see the titles maintaining the most prominence, story or no, matches or otherwise. But as I’ve said before, the WWE is a company trying to move into a more mainstream, multifaceted conglomerate. This is Hollywood soap opera kind of stuff, and I’ve seen better stories on the Thursday night news, but it’s not a BAD story. Laurinaitis’ attempt to take over the company is a sneaky story but it should be in the background, rising to prominence towards… let’s say Wrestlemania or, maybe, Summerslam. I don’t know.
Big Show is talking, and honestly I love how he can talk to the crowd. Whether he’s name dropping or offering minor ad-libs you remain engaged. The funny thing is all the people he’s naming aren’t Grand Slam champions… BUT SHOW IS! It’s significant.
But as fun as it is to listen to Big Show speak, if it goes on too long I lose interest, and with SmackDown! always being the show that possesses the greater capacity to bore me than RAW, I’m ready to go about my business and sip some beer, from my new Atari-themed pint glasses. Sip your beer and…
Ah, John Laurinaitis and Big Show are stopped by Michael Cole, who is playing the role of stool pigeon by announcing John Cena’s “possible” arrival. Another sidenote, Michael Cole’s announcement just reminded me of The Flintstones movie. You know, that terrible POS film featuring a then somewhat unknown Halle Berry in a very, very skimpy leopard-print dress? The one where we all wished it would hike up just a little bit? The one where she should have flashed us as an apology for not only being in it but for all the people at the theater and on TV who watched it? I like Halle Berry.
The “real” character is also making a rise in the WWE right now. Big Show is a slick reflection of the current blue collar worker finally rising to white collar leisure after doing dirt. Oh, damn, that’s part of the The Flintstones plot. Yes, because Fred got to the top of his company by unintentionally using Barney’s test and, as a result, Barney was getting screwed and… yes, I watched the movie, okay?! I know the movie, deal with it! I was waiting for Halle to not be as sexy so I have to keep watching!
Our next match is – leave me along Adrian! – Christian, the Intercontinental champion and NOT inductee into the TNA Hall of Fame (it must be said), is going toe-to-toe with other former world champ, and unforgettable champion at that, Jack Swagger. Again, two more good wrestlers, two former world champions, and in a match that may or may not have a purpose. I’ve been wondering what they want to do with Swagger for a while, and he’s too talented (an admission I don’t like to make) to just be thrown around as a would-be underdog right now. Christian, on the other hand, is the champion and I don’t know why. Not complaining, mind you, just confused.
Swagger and Christian are capable of putting on good matches, and I enjoyed this fleeting battle for what its worth. RIP Eddie Guerrero.
Christian defeats Jack Swagger
Cutting to another commercial, we pause. Literally, I have nothing to say right now. I’ll plug my weekly video game vlog once more. It’s on Youtube, Me Talking About Video Games. The title is confusing so I’ll be frank: I talk about video games. Period. The first episode is briefly speaking on MMORPGs (or mumorpugers, as the great man and imminent sage Yahtzee might say) and the free-to-play…
Oh Lord, here comes the Ryback match. Ari Cohen and Mike Testa, I have to say their names now or I’ll never remember them. In fact…
Ryback anally rapes Ari Cohen and Mike Testa (signs of anal bleeding are sighted)
With that being said, let’s sigh and relax as we watch another massacre. To their credit, at least THESE jobbers don’t both look like anorexic Futurama rejects. I still want to see the pyro, but as it stands, Ryback is one of my favorite current wrestlers but he’s also boring me. Not him, but the fact that he’s still just beating up on jobbers. I’m enjoying the fact that he’s committing acts of murder on little people and displaying his strength and skill at the same time, but the only non-nameless jobber he’s beaten is… Heath Slater.
IS HEATH SLATER THE NEW SHANNON MOORE?!
Hell, I miss the old Shannon Moore… screw that, I don’t. I do miss Brian Kendrick though. He was great. Especially when he was THE Brian Kendrick.
I mean: Ryback, the point has been made. Now please, feed him something hearty for a change. You know, something that’s not a jobber, like Ted DiBiase, or Heath… Heath Slater. Christ, I’m seriously sighing every time I say that name. He’s fallen so far from grace! Look at the people of the Nexus and/or New Nexus now. Barrett is injured, Otunga is a sidekick to the major villain in the COMPANY, Skip is committing violent acts of murder on nameless foes (he actually knows their names, but we can’t know about his “kill list”), Gabriel is still capable of winning at least, so is McGuillicutty, the only one that can claim to be doing worse is Tarver, and that’s because he’s not in the WWE! He’s probably winning in a third-party circuit!
Oh, and lookee here, Tyson Kidd. And who is his opponent? Damien Sandow. Mr. I-Wear-A-Robe doesn’t amuse me. I’m not amused. Help me by getting into a match, you lazy bitch! I don’t care about your three-dollar words; they don’t mean nothing when you get a fifty-cent ass whupping!
Good, we have a match. I see this being another quick match, but not quite a jobber match.
Well, we can’t win em all… oh that cartwheel is so gay…
Damien Sandow defeats Tyson Kidd
So let’s backtrack right quick, as we have twenty minutes left on the program. We’ve had six matches. That rounds out to three matches an hour. That’s good. Good ratio. Only a couple of them were worth the time, but at the end of the day, it was not bad. Still not a fan of Sandow and his fruity cartwheels.
Hmm… you know, Michael Cole’s 1000 episode thing actually isn’t too bad. He sounds sincere. Might be a douche in real life (and I’ve no doubt he is) but that was a sincere sounding thing. Kudos, dickweed. Kudos.
So… we gonna get that Vickie Guerrero v. AJ match? Fifteen minutes left, I’d enjoy it. I’d also enjoy context with AJ’s mind control (or, to quote Ja Rule, It’s the power of the P-U-S… well, you get it) but I don’t mind waiting. Waiting makes the release better.
And here’s John Cena, walking backstage down a hallway. First to John’s office, which is empty. I would’ve liked another Big Show sucker punch. Those are always funny. But we’re back at commercials. Honestly, can we… you know, have less commercials? This isn’t the NFL. Speaking of which, NFL, can we have LESS commercials?!
I did a little research and yes, Tarver is the only ex-Nexus/New Nexus member NOT part of the WWE anymore. And he’s probably still winning more than… Heath Slater. Maybe I should put a picture of… that man next to one of Yung Berg. In fact, let me get in contact with Big Ghostface and push for the one-man rock band (I assume that band is Hanson) to be one of the ten softest dudes in the game in the sixth annual edition.
Finally we come to another B.A. Star segment, and I still find the humor in David Otunga being involved so actively in it while he’s a heel, and as such, a bully. A bad guy. We saw what he did to Brodus Clay earlier. Bully tactics. Why couldn’t Stephanie McMahon and her fine ass (and I do mean fine ass (DAT ASS, SON!)) be talking to the kids? They’d learn a lesson AND get a sight for sore, young eyes. Sight for my eyes at least. Misogyny, man, it doesn’t happen often so let me have my moments!
Sorry, Cena is in the ring. Laurinaitis is coming to the ring (seriously, he should be able to afford a new scooter) and now we get ANOTHER Cena/Laurinaitis talking promo in the ring. Dull. Recycled, retarded, rejected. Cena can go ahead and hit Big Johnny, I don’t care. None of this matters Big Show should win on Sunday, Cena should get his vacation, and now Cena has finally hit Laurinaitis and… I don’t care.
This episode of SmackDown! has been dull. Very dull. And uneven. At least last week I kept my eyes open. Where’s Big Show? Where’s the excitement, Mr. Excitement? The only fun was when AJ stepped up and took the stage. As motivating as she is, she can’t carry the entire show on her own. That being said, I give tonight’s episode a 2 out of 5. Not abysmal but not too good. Looking forward to next week… kinda. It’ll be following a PPV, so good.
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the new purchased domain! I’ll be your captain, of this vessel (not really). Blee!