We’re Here For The Stories

I hate wrasslin fans. I hate the dumb ones. I hate the smart ones. I hate all of us equally. Because we all want different things for different reasons and most of the things we want defy all logic. At the end of the day, the wrasslin is supposed to tell a story.

The idea for this came to me when I realized that GOOD wrasslin booking is applicable to every great story EVER told. I’m reading a manga called Akame ga Kiru. Guessing that translates to “Akame The Killer”. The titular character, Akame, does not appear much where I am in the story. There is a character named Tatsumi who seems to be the central character. And then there is the villainous General Edsese. She is overpowered as shit. She has the ability to use ice to freeze things and as a blunt object. Akame just appears to be someone who is really good with a sword. She does not appear to have the power necessary to defeat Edsese. Just like Roman Reigns “isn’t ready” to beat Brock Lesnar.

I’m both writing this to tell you why all of you people (especially you, Quinn) are morons for wanting Brock Lesnar to retain the title AND to make a larger point about what so many people don’t understand about fucking storytelling and what makes one compelling. Because we all know wrestling is scripted and Roman has been pencilled into this moment for the last two years, many reject WWE’s plan because “it is forced”. But if we didn’t know what a work was, if we thought it was a shoot, Roman is the underdog who can’t beat Brock Lesnar according to everyone who has spoken on the subject. Brock Lesnar’s presence is overpowering. His resume is unmatched. Roman has no business winning. And he will. Because otherwise… this is the same thing as the circle jerk that was the Bellas storyline from last year. Pointless.

At WrassleMania 3, Hulk Hogan beat Andre The Giant. This is brought up as such an important moment in wrasslin history so often because Andre was undefeated for his entire career. You would not need to be a mark to think Hogan had no chance in hell. Andre was allegedly 7’5, 500 lbs. What no one ever brings up about why Hogan slamming Andre is so important: NO ONE HAD EVER DONE IT BEFORE. People slam The Big Show all the fucking time. And people beat The Big Show with regularity. So Roman Reigns beating up Show impressed no one. That and… Hogan slammed Andre and beat him damn near 30 years ago. Wrasslin fans are almost impossible to impress nowadays because we have seen everything. There was no internationally known wrestling superstar before Hulk Hogan, not on that level. And since then there have only been Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock and John Cena. Roman Reigns can’t lace their boots. And THAT is compelling to me, that the beginning of his ascension to the top is him proving he belongs.

Last year all of you pissed me off with your obsession with Daniel Bryan being champion. It was like you didn’t understand that the genesis of The Authority was a heel turn. It was like you had forgotten Daniel Bryan had pinned The Big Show and then teased him about how short his title reign was. It was like you had forgotten that when Sheamus beat him in seconds at Mania 28, it was symmetrical and karmic. It was like you had forgotten that he is one of only a few men who can say he pinned John Cena clean in the middle. It was like you couldn’t comprehend him losing the title and being repeatedly screwed out of the title wasn’t a burial, it was building his sympathy as an underdog babyface that had everything but the fans against him. It was like you had forgotten that authority figures have done the. same. exact. SHIT to Hulk Hogan, Steve Austin, The Rock and John Cena before him.

So… you all bitched and pissed and moaned about WWE not giving him ‘a moment’ or ‘a push’ as though that entire paragraph preceding this one wasn’t moments and pushes. You booed Batista winning the Rumble that you cheered his return for, knowing he returned TO win that match AND the main event at Mania. You cheered for Roman Reigns to upset him, knowing full well that shit wasn’t going to happen. You knew then that Roman would most likely win this year’s Rumble and the main event of Mania and be pushed as the new face of the company. You cried some more like the little bitches that you are when Daniel Bryan got eliminated, KNOWING he wasn’t going to win anyway. You shitted on Roman’s moment and have rooted for him to fail ever since, BECAUSE yall some ole dumb ass bitches. You, for some god forsaken reason hope to see Daniel Bryan beat Brock Lesnar. I REALLY don’t understand why you want to see that. You were given a reprieve by Daniel’s neck injury, because that asswhipping Cena took at SummerSlam was intended for Bryan. And that’s what should happen to him pretty much anytime he runs up against the likes of Brock Lesnar. You don’t seem to understand that Bryan and Reigns had such a good match against each other at Fast Lane that they WILL do it again in the future. That Bryan will win the world title again. You bitches cry like you didn’t JUST get Bryan beating three members of Evolution in two matches in one night LAST year. That… again… he had so many great moments LAST year. Why do you begrudge Roman having HIS moment this year?

You people do realize that your faves, Dolph Ziggler and Daniel Bryan suck at promos in real life, no? Yall realize Bray Wyatt and Dean Ambrose ain’t the best wrestlers in the world, right? You DO realize that the aforementioned Mount Rushmore of wrestling top guys weren’t the best wrestlers OR promos right? Saying Roman “isn’t ready” because of time in the promotion is irrelevant because Brock Lesnar ironically enough, had much less? Yall really should shut the fuck up when yall talk to me. Now that that rant is out of my system, back to storytelling and why Roman winning is best for business.

When The Shield debuted, Roman was powerbombing every major star in the territory. Some (like Quinn) would say that Roman was more ready THEN for this push than he is now. Ya’ll niggas would still be crying now if he did, doe. I wrote here many times, Roman got ZERO character development after the group broke up. He still has the group’s entrance, the theme, and the ring gear. He has not appeared to grow or change in the last year. That’s to your point that he is not ready for prime time. His BIGGEST problem is the one HE is the solution to: he had no real competition. When Roman debuted, Ryback was hot. The Rock was around. He powerbombed The Undertaker through the announce table. He was a part of beating up Cena, Bryan, Orton, and Sheamus. His two singles feuds worth a damn… was Orton again, and Bryan. Ryback cooled off then realigned. Sheamus got hurt. He can’t feud with Cena because that confrontation should be the current face of the company versus the old one… in the main event of WrassleMania. WWE is in desperate need of new main event stars. Over the last year, guys like Bray Wyatt, Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins and Rusev have been pushed to that level. And they are not ready for it… because every year at WrassleMania the guys being called on to carry Raw, SmackDown and 11 odd PPVs a year take a backseat to a bunch of old dudes LIKE Brock Lesnar, The Undertaker, HHH, Sting, The Rock etc. Now Roman is half of the main event of Mania, signaling the birth of a new era. And YOU motherfuckers want more of the same old shit YOU complain WWE shovels into your mealy mouths.

You see, when Roman wins that title, press play on Seth Rollins cashing in on him and joining him in the club. Roman Reigns will be the 45th champion in WWE history. Seth Rollins will be 46. At some point in the next 5-10 years provided motherfuckers stay healthy and off drugs and whatnot… guys like Cesaro, Wyatt, Rusev, Ambrose and Kevin Owens will join them. They will carry Mania cards and WWE can do A special attraction match as opposed to building the whole fucking top of the card around guys who do not regularly appear on their programming. Roman will be a vulnerable champion who will have to have to constantly prove himself against everyone I’ve named in this rambling beautiful work of art I have created while being an insomniac. You people who are wrapped up in how he shouldn’t beat Lesnar seem to not understand this is a work and that’s precisely why he WILL.

Brock ended The Streak, demolished the face of the company, then no sold several finishers to TOTALLY get you to forget that has lost to Cena and HHH. He’s beatable. Believe that. LOL That’s the only story that makes sense and sets up a certain future where new main eventers get made. Or, do you niggas wanna go ahead and admit you really love the bullshit you be complaining about now?

L.E.W.Dicrous Palaver (formerly the Second L.E.W.D. Council Live Meeting)–3/21/15

Three weeks.  We’ve been at it for three weeks now and we’re showing no signs of stopping.  On 3/21/15 myself and the incomparable Mr. Gammon spoke on the Road to Wrestlemania, TNA, my failed attempts at a-courtin’ Sasha Banks (an ongoing process, I assure you) and the latest exploits of John Morrison.  Give it a view!

Adrian, stop calling us.  We’re ignoring you.

PLEASE STOP LISTENING TO YOUR DUMB ASS AUDIENCE VINCE

Rumors that HHH is pushing for Lesnar to be re-signed and retain the WWE title are making the rounds. I’m not sure if it’s a work or a shoot. What I do know is that I’ve been wrong about WWE’s creative direction for the last four WrassleManias. I thought Cena would beat The Rock at 28. I thought CM Punk would beat The Rock at the Rumble and end The Streak at 29. I thought Batista would win at 30. I think the smart move this year is to take a chance on Roman Reigns. So this probably means that Brock Lesnar WILL retain. Which is a terrible fucking idea.

One of the worst things to happen to the sport of professional wrestling is most of its fans thinking they know what good booking is. Good booking to wrestling fans is whatever the fuck they think should happen. Let me tell you plainly that it would be terrible goddamned booking if Roman Reigns loses on 3/29. Because, basically… you’ve built the last several Manias around old dudes on their way out or they are next to never on your shows. CM Punk would still be in WWE if he was the focus at 28 and 29. 30 was about Lesnar ending The Streak and then winning the title at SummerSlam so he could drop it to someone at 31. To not pull the fucking trigger now, is throwing away the last few years. And CM Punk is a UFC fighter now. In wrestling… name me ONE time they didn’t pull the trigger on someone and then people wanted to see that person rise up later. I’ll wait. Lemme help. Lex Luger. LOL. Yeah. Never.

Mark Madden and other dumbasses keep saying “Reigns can’t carry a 20 minute talking segment” while ignoring the fact that there is never any fucking need for a pro wrestler to stand in the ring and deliver a 10 minute monologue before being interrupted by an entrance theme. All I need to see is. the way the crowd pops for homie’s three moves of doom. I was amazed at the fact that he wrestled a good match with Daniel Bryan and didn’t get booed the fuck out of the building. If “make Roman look strong” is the directive, why have him get ‘manipulated’ into putting his main event spot on the line? Why have him lose twice on Raw in the last month after not being pinned in a singles match in 3 years? Why build his main event push around the notion that EVERYONE is saying “he can’t”? NONE OF THAT MAKES ROMAN LOOK STRONG. ALL OF THAT IS SHITTY BOOKING ON WWE’S PART.

Related, unrelated: I’ve been watching the oldest WWE pay per views on the Network. I grew up a Hulk Hogan fan, brother. The booking back then was terrible to me. Not the main event stuff. The undercard. Back in the 80s WWE had every major name from all the territories they killed off. Legends like Steamboat and Harley Race and JYD never held the WWE heavyweight gold. In this era everyone on that roster (that wasn’t a jobber) would have been like a 10-15 time champion. I’m not saying that’s bad. I want to go back to that actually. Get rid of the Money in the Bank. Yeah I said it. MITB is an excuse to suddenly put the belt on people who probably have no business winning the world title. WWE will be forced to either put the belt on Rollins 3 months after giving it to Reigns, or not give it to him. Either option isn’t great to me. And in my opinion Seth Rollins is the best worker they have. Anyway… like I was saying: the booking was terrible in the undercard. It left WWE completely unprepared for the departure of Hulk Hogan. John Cena will not do this forever. They need to elevate a few young stars while he’s still there to prepare for when he retires.

Another thing I often think of… people complain Reigns is ‘over-protected’. Because John Cena was out there getting rolled up by Kofi Kingston. I’m sure in Hogan’s day, when Hulkamania was running wild… people complained that he was burying everyone and winning all the time. All those people are fucking morons. There is no getting over as a top star and losing with any regularity. Cena might lose clean once a year. Dirty? Three times. Max. Reigns has already lost dirty twice this year. Smh. I hope they do the right thing and go all the way with him. Cena and Lesnar are near 40, dog. If not Reigns then who? Daniel Bryan? That was last year, famalam.

Second Second L.E.W.D. Council Live Broadcast

Welcome one and all to the second Second L.E.W.D. Council Live Broadcast!  On Pi Day 2015, at approximately 9:00 PM EST Mr. Morris and I went on for an hour and some change about the WWE, TNA and a few things that may or may not be related.  Halle Berry is not related, I admit, but since when do you need a reason to talk about Halle Berry? 

Never, that’s when!  Enjoy the show!

Leave your comments here or on the Youtube page.  We still love you all, all of you fans, all of you supporters, with all our hearts.

Outside of you, Adrian.

We still hate you.

[EXPLETIVE]

WrestleMania 31 Polls

WrestleMania 31 Logo

 

With WrestleMania 31 only a few weeks away, I figured it would be about time to see what results people are believing are going to come of “The Granddaddy of Them ALL!”

Please vote on who you think will win each match!

 

When CM Punk Comes Back…

The other day I listened to Cult of Personality and for the first time… I missed CM Punk. If you’re new to my ramblings you don’t realize it’s my fault you can’t read this at your job. Mostly because I stay cussin, but I really fucked around and used 53 variations of the word fuck to describe my anger at CM Punk losing the WWE title to The Rock. So it is from that place that I now condescend to Daniel Bryan fans who don’t seem to understand the way the business works, has always worked and will always work. The last time I wrote about CM Punk, I said I hope he never comes back. As I type this, I know it is only a matter of time before he does.

At the time I am writing this, Brock Lesnar is trying to leverage WWE and UFC against each other to get the most money he can. And honestly, Brock would be a damn fool to go back to UFC. He had a good run at first, but over time it became clear, he’s just a big guy who is without hope if he can’t take you down and lay on you, scoring at will with love taps. In WWE, Brock is guaranteed big paydays for like the next 20 years, doing exactly what he’s doing now. Fight four times a year, and win most of those. There are no such guarantees in UFC. And THAT brings me to CM Punk. I expect him to do ok. Win a few fights and build the hype, and then after a while, he’ll start getting exposed and retire.  Then we’ll start hearing that he’s in negotiations to come back to WWE as a part timer. And he WILL be a big ass hypocrite for that shit. And none of us will care if the matches and promos are 2011 CM Punk quality.

I am very positive and hopeful about WWE’s future. I think Cena winning the US title and Bryan winning the IC title are signs that WWE actually cares about the prestige of the midcard titles. Reigns winning the world title is a sign that they’re preparing to not need to build its biggest show around old dudes because they’re making new stars. The build to Mania has suffered because the three biggest matches on the card all feature guys who either never appear on tv or rarely appear on tv. There’s something to be said for being a special attraction… but Bray Wyatt cannot get heat on his feud… I don’t even want to CALL something a feud when I’ve never even seen the two interact. HHH and Sting just trading video packages at this point, with maybe four times we’ve even seen someone dressed as Sting in a WWE arena. WWE is building up Roman by having everyone say he cannot win, and the one time we’ve seen the two of them in the same place at the same time, it was at WWE HQ, night after the Rumble. At this point, there is no real point to having the two of them touch. Still much excite.

CM Punk will finally get to main event Mania when he comes back. And. I. Will. Die. if it’s against the new best in the world, Seth Rollins. Honestly I look forward to a program between him and Ambrose, Wyatt, Rusev and Reigns. I’ll only have to wait a few years for WWE to overpay for what they could have already had.

It's Still Real to Me, Dammit!

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