He’s big, he’s black, he likely runs through trees and eats tables. He drags 20 ton trucks several feet, two at a time. He maintains a fictional location where he fictionally enshrines the people he beats up. He’s the one of the only people active or inactive in the WWE who can still become a true Grand Slam champion. He can make the claim towards being the world’s strongest man and maintains, at this moment, the title as “The Second Strongest Man That Ever Lived”. He’s one of the inductees to the International Sports Hall of Fame, Class of 2012, also known as the FIRST class of the International Sports Hall of Fame, and he’s the only professional wrestler amongst his classmates. His theme music is courtesy of Academy Award winning artists. He “romanced” the likes of Chyna and Mae Young and is the father of a now full grown hand. He joined up with a coalition of black people as a means to take less guff from “the man”. He battled the Undertaker at Wrestlemania 22. He was a pallbearer at Michael Clarke Duncan’s funeral. His catchphrase is “That’s what I do!”.
Frankly I could continue, but it would play out like a massive drawing of the people who have an opinion on James Howlett. Mark Jerrold Henry is simply “that dude”. Everyone knows someone who they would define as “that dude”. He’s the big shot. It could be argued that he is to professional wrestling/sports entertainment what James Howlett is. His catchphase could just as easily be “I’m the best there is at what I do, but what I do best isn’t very nice.”
No shit. In the ring he throws you, slams you and causes massive damage. Backstage he bum rushes you, leaves you mangled and walks away after proclaiming “THAT’S WHAT I DO!” In the parking lot he drags eighteen wheelers for the hell of it. In the WWE, he is tasked with entertaining the people, and through senseless violence and being the threatening black guy (because the other black guys are non-threatening, what with their lack of facial hair (Kingston is African so technically we don’t count him as a “threatening black guy”)) he succeeds!
But what will ultimately make this a relatively short post isn’t his accomplishments, but what he represents. Mark Henry has been part of the WWE for eighteen years as of March 11th. Eighteen years. Non-stop. No other company. Just the WWE. And through thick and thin, good and bad, controversial angle after controversial angle after humiliating angle, he’s been a part of the WWE. Through multiple injuries, he’s been a part of the WWE. If nothing else, you can gain a terrific lesson in perseverance and company loyalty from Mark Henry. It was one thing for him to get the European Championship at a time when being a part of a Nation of Islam-type of group was big. But on September 18, 2011, we all knew that Randy Orton was going to beat Mark Henry to defend the World Heavyweight Championship.
We all knew.
And we were all so wrong.
Mark Henry isn’t an in-ring technician like a lot of his smaller peers. He’s amazing when he has a microphone in his hand or a headset on his ears. He isn’t a fighter so much as a massive brawler. He inspires fear when he opens his mouth and I’m completely convinced that he’s the nicest guy you could possibly know outside of the realm of his in-ring character. Perhaps most importantly, he stands as the only high-profile person on the WWE roster that the Shield hasn’t messed with, and I don’t know why but I think that’s significant. Much like a woman scorned or Wu Tang: a terrifying black man with a lot of facial hair “ain’t nuttin’ ta f*** wit”.
So in bringing this completely praiseworthy piece to a close, I say thank you, Mark Jerrold Henry, for being entertaining and vicious in a way only bears and Mr. Rogers have ever had the capacity to be. Thank you for the years of joy and the Hall of Pain. Thanks for the memories, and here’s to many more.
I would like to apologize in advance if this post sounds like I’m only repeating stuff I’ve said before; the sad part is that usually when I repeat myself, it’s because I’ve found validation in remarks I’ve already made. Essentially I’m giving myself a congratulatory pat on the back, a lá Barry Horowitz.
As I’ve stated before here, particularly on my last RAW review, WWE creative seems to be spinning its wheels when it comes to crafting provocative storylines and characters for fans to invest in and get behind. They seem to be suffering from the exact same problem that plagues other sports entertainment companies: subjecting fans to seeing the same stars face each other in the same matches each and every week, with the needle of progression stabilized in a comfortably stagnant area. The writing and wrestling in WWE right now just feels like one excruciatingly lingering and cumbersome expression of mediocrity.
It’s not just that the creative writing and execution is terrible, but it’s also the feeling that everything seems uninspired and bland. Feuds and rivalries are rehashed, recycled and reused. Characters feel forced and far from organic. We’re shown wrestlers each week who bust their humps wrestling, and we have no earthly reason or urge to support their cause or wage verbal war against them.
This isn’t complaining at all, but rather an honest critique of one person’s experience watching Monday night’s episode of RAW. In the three hours I spent watching the showI eventually became more enthralled with being on Twitter than I did with paying attention to what was going on in the ring.
Perhaps WWE could benefit from shaking up the creative teams or introducing new characters to the product while phasing out older ones, or give the secondary titles real and authentic value as well as become the means through which superstars can transition to the heavyweight championship and main event scene. In the meantime the company could stand to at least pretend as if they have enough writers and wrestlers to have a vibrant mid-card rife with a mixture of tag team and Diva action involved in captivating stories that entertain instead of lull fans to sleep or coerce us to change the channel.
On the other hand as proactive fans perhaps it’s also wise to walk away from WWE programming for a bit to give our brains a chance to rest from mundane nature of the product. The company is motivated by money, and if any of us truly want them to do better we have to speak with our wallets and not our internet browsing speeds.
But alas, here’s what stood out for me during the show:
The Awakening of Antonio Cesaro
Foreshadowing, Dean Ambrose Style
Mark Henry: The Greatest Man Who Ever Kicked Somebody’s Ass
Brock Mad, Brock Smash
John Cena versus Ryback: A Tale of How the Mighty Have Fallen
It wasn’t very long ago that fans began to sour on the prospect of Antonio Cesaro’s run as a WWE superstar. After inexplicably losing several matches as the United States Champion, Cesaro’s run was unceremoniously ended by the foots of “Double K” Kofi Kingston, also known in some parts as the Crown Prince of Mid-Card Excellency (Jeff Jarrett is still the reigning monarch in that kingdom of inadequacy). In a lot of ways Kofi reminds me of Jeff Hardy, but that’s another blog for another day.
Along with his loses Cesaro was also conspicuously left out of WrestleMania XXIX despite having a lengthy and historic run as the United States Champion. It wasn’t long after that fans began to naturally assume that Vince McMahon “hated” him and he was essentially being buried for the unknown and unnamed personal grudge the Irish-blooded McMahon secretly harbored against the Swiss.
On an unrelated note this idea absolutely infuriated me because fans became super vocal about this the night after Cesaro was named the WWE’s Swiss Ambassador for the Make-A-Wish Foundation. That makes perfect sense; send the guy you “hate”to be the official international ambassador for a foundation that brings joy to dying kids. If that’s the case then McMahon must really hate the s**t out of John Cena…but I digress again.
Oddly enough all of the anti-Vince McMahon pundits were nowhere to be seen when Cesaro cut a pipe bomb-esque promo last night after defeating the modern day Brooklyn Brawler, Zack Ryder, in short fashion. Simply put, Cesaro said he’s a beast and there’s no one on the entire roster that can walk a mile with his jock strap…because Swiss jock straps are nothing to yodel at.
All jokes aside Cesaro made his intentions as loud and clear as a clarion call from the top of the Matterhorn. In fact his promo was one of the few moments during the show that piqued my interest and sent chills up my spine. We all know that Cesaro is a beast and the more prescient fans (i.e. everybody at L.E.W.D.) knew that his losses were only a red herring to his eventual rise to prominence.
Simply put if Vince McMahon didn’t think he was worth a damn he would’ve simply released him (Braden Walker) or taken him off of TV completely (John Morrison) and used him once a month to do the job for someone else (Zack Ryder).
Stay tuned to see where Cesaro’s new found awesomeness will take him; if his promo last night wasn’t proof enough, check out this video done for him prior to this year’s WrestleMania:
Since we were almost on the subject of Kofi Kingston, the current United States Champion teamed with the Uso Brothers on Monday’s show to face The Shield in 6-man tag team action. Kofi ate the pin for his team after dining on Dean Ambrose’s unnamed finishing maneuver. While the WWE’s self-proclaimed arm of justice remains undefeated as a trio, the more interesting event occurred after the pinfall.
For some odd reason the referee thought it necessary to hand Kofi his United States title during the most inconvenient time after a match. For starters Kofi was still slightly incapacitated, lying almost lifeless on the mat while attempting to recover from Ambrose’s maneuver. Secondly the referee held the belt in the middle of the ring right next to Dean Ambrose as he celebrated the victory with his Shield brethren. It was at that time Ambrose gave the title this lingering and desiring glance, long enough for anyone to justifiably insinuate that the man is going to destroy Kofi in the near future.
The slow burn that has occurred with The Shield has apparently arrived at a point where it would make sense that the trio would start to consider chasing after championship gold. Most fans will easily agree that Ambrose stands out the most in the group; I believe it’s his charisma, matched with his body language/facial expressions and ability to work the mic that makes him pop more so than the amazingly athletic Seth Rollins and devastatingly intense Roman Reigns.
While I’m not too sold on an Ambrose/Shield and Kofi Kingston rivalry, I do appreciate the hint at this development for all men involved. The Shield has wreaked havoc in WWE for some time and creative has nothing substantial at the moment for Kingston. Pairing the four men or at least Ambrose and Kingston together gives fans the new feud and mid-card energy we’re craving for. The main problem is waiting for this whole thing to come to fruition if it indeed is meant to be.
Mark Henry deserves to be a WWE Hall of Famer and has most assuredly earned that honor after his 17 years of dutiful service in the WWE. I don’t recall Henry ever working for any other company other than WWE, and at 41 years of age he is one of the last Attitude Era wrestlers still on the active roster (along with notable stars such as Triple H and The Undertaker).
It says a lot about Henry in real life that he’s worked for the company for this long and they’ve made sure to keep him around after a series of injuries have stalled his character’s development at various points of his career. You have to respect the man and I’d be highly upset if some sort of WWE book or DVD wasn’t made highlighting his career and his life.
The Henry accolades don’t stop there, however; Monday night’s episode of RAW didn’t really seem to pick up steam until Henry beat Sheamus silly with a leather belt. Prior to that Henry held the audience in the palm of his hands during an in-ring promo and then, after a verbal exchange with Sheamus, delighted us with his commentary and his verbal abuse of Michael Cole. Everything surrounding Mark Henry last night was pure gold and even got the man trending on Twitter.
This rivalry with Henry is the same exact program they had during their first skirmish. While the program worked well the first time it is disappointing that the writers have returned to the well to give us the same thing over again. There is a saying that goes, “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” but I wonder if there’s more they could do with Henry and Sheamus other than having them crash into each other like two rams butting heads in a fine china shop.
“The Celtic Cena” Sheamus is serviceable in this rivalry, but it’s Mark Henry who’s making it sizzle and pop. Their outing at the upcoming Extreme Rules pay per view will be good to watch, but I’m still hoping the company can do right by both men in giving them (and us) this Hulk versus The Thing bout for the second time.
The biggest “shock” of the night came when exclusive footage was aired of Brock Lesnar destroying Triple H’s office at WWE headquarters in Stamford, Connecticut. Lesnar’s legal aid and handler Paul Heyman documented their entire mythical journey all on his iPhone.
The whole thing was designed to further their program with Triple H who, after arriving to RAW, didn’t seem pissed at all that Lesnar destroyed his “office” and was allowed to do so by the years’ worth of staff that allowed Heyman and Lesnar to trash said office.
I joked with fellow wrestling fan Tom Bobbitt the entire night about possible storylines that could come from the segment. One included Triple H having Lesnar arrested for vandalism, destruction of property, unlawful seizure and abduction of an individual, trespassing, and reckless behavior and endangerment. Heyman, of course, would be sent up the river for aiding and abetting criminal activity.
Ideally Trips would have his lawyer request that bail be denied for both men, citing their danger to society on the whole. The legal process behind that would be far more interesting and would coincide perfectly with these long drawn out yearlong storylines everyone seems intent on writing today.
The bottom line is that Brock smashed Triple H’s corporate office and the Game wasn’t even phased by his shenanigans. If he doesn’t give a damn, neither do I…moving right along…
WWE Champion John Cena is still set to face Ryback at Extreme Rule in a Last Man Standing Match despite having a bad ankle. Considering the players involved it’s astonishing that we really could not care any less.
Cena’s championship reigns at this point of his career are about as predictable as the likelihood of water being wet. It’s almost moot to nuance or argue about his character right now, mostly because no one will listen and we’re slowly realizing that the man will retire in 40 years the same way he’s wrestling now.
Ryback, on the other hand, has slowly earned our angst due to WWE’s insistence to force him to become the heel in this feud. Ryback went from having a solid core of fans behind him to having fans against him, only to find a resting spot in a place where fans are largely indifferent about him. There was almost no reaction for him when he wrestled in Monday night’s main event, and the crowd didn’t really pop for him during his post-match attack on John Cena.
We’ve all seen this song and dance from Cena and a monstrous opponent before; it’s extremely laughable and disheartening at the same time for Ryback’s character to be pompous enough to believe he can defeat Cena on his own in a Last Man Standing Match given the man’s track record with never giving up. This isn’t to say Cena hasn’t lost a LMS match before, but the odds are definitely in his favor on this one.
There’s only one more episode of RAW between now and the pay per view, so it will be mildly interesting to see what WWE does to add fuel to the fire burning between Cena and Ryback. With The Shield, Daniel Bryan and Kane involved, however, this whole mess looks and feels more convoluted than necessary. Unfortunately I just cannot shake the feeling that when it’s all said and done, this feud will just be business as usual for John Cena; such is life.
But those are just my thoughts on the show…what did YOU think about it?
I want to take this time out to thank The Ashley Morris and The Ashley Tate for appearing to appreciate my contributions to this blog the most. And thank The Christopher Lamb for inviting me, then posting my writing for me because I was just plain too lazy to create a wordpress. Thank you again.
That out of the way… *cracks knuckles* I got this idea from The Ashley Morris quoting Vince McMahon saying “Fans know what they like, but don’t know what they want.” Because I am a genius and superior form of life, I know what I want. And this is why we’re here.
- I want The Shield to win the tag titles, and stay undefeated until there is a tag team sufficiently built to get the rub of being first to beat them in a tag match. *resists urge to say “We KNOW this is never going to happen, they’ll lose inexplicably to The Usos or Primo and Epico”*
- Also… Dean Ambrose is clearly the star of the group, and a future main eventer. Wouldn’t be mad at the firm of Rollins and Reigns winning the tag titles and him winning the IC strap soon.
- I want Antonio Cesaro to stop yodeling (and jobbing) and start wearing suits and being a Euro amalgamation of Ric Flair and MVP “I’m better than you, because I’m BALLIN’! WOOOOOOOO” and start getting title shots. Don’t think he can “carry the company” yet at all, but dammit WWE needs to start hotshotting people to the top. He’s a blue chipper, for sure.
- I want Randy Orton to turn heel. Randy Orton wants to turn heel. YOU prolly want to see Randy Orton turn heel. Nuff said.
- I can see AJ and Big E swerving Dolph Ziggler in the future. I think that he’d be better as a cocky babyface than The Miz is, who is too douchey to be anything but a heel. Only haters can’t see that Dolph is maybe top five in the company right now.
- I still want Del Rio to go back to driving fly whips. And get a female valet or two. He might could be bigger than Ric Flair as a playboy babyface. He still sucks as a heel. WOOOOOOOO
- I do not need to see a rubber match between Cena and Rock. That is all.
- If WWE has any sense at all Ryback has to go over Cena at Extreme Rules using the ankle as an excuse for Cena losing. We don’t need MORE proof he’s Superman. Of course Cena will miraculously be 100% by the next PPV or so…
- Daniel Bryan needs to be given a WWE Championship win over Cena to cement him as a top tier guy. Of course Cena will win it back, but then…
- CM Punk better come back and take the WWE Championship from Cena.
- I’m in favor of getting rid of the worthless midcard titles if you HAVE to have two world titles. Or unifying the world titles and midcard titles. And I still want to bring back the light heavyweight/cruiserweight division to give smaller guys something to do other than job to the glut of high midcard/main event guys.
- I’d love to see guys like Goldberg, Batista, and Bobby Lashley come back as part-timers.
- Last, but certainly not least… I want Jim Ross and Paul Heyman to get creative control. Let them sign and evaluate talent. Let them have final say over booking. They’re just plain better at it than McMahon/HHH.
